Recently, I bought a computer at Best Buy. After I told the salesman that I wanted to buy the computer, I had to jump through about 25 hoops before I actually was leaving the store, computer in hand. The initial conversation went something like this:

Me: I’d like to buy this computer, it seems like a good deal.

Him: It is a great deal, do you want the extended warranty contract?

Me: How much is that?

Him: Not much at all, $149 on this model, for 3 years.

Me: No, I don’t think, so I just want to buy the computer.

Him: Are you sure, everybody needs a warranty because computers go bad all the time.

Me: Your telling me you sell inferior equipment?

Him: (Without skipping a beat) No, I’m just telling you that computers tend to break down, (pointing to the service department) and we have all those techs back there working on examples to prove it.

Me: Well, I think I’ll take my chances with the computer.

Him: But its only $149, what if somebody steals your computer, it also covers that.

Me: My homeowners covers that (I’m starting to get pissed now, this has dragged on for way too long)

This went on for some time, after which he said he’d run back to the back of the store to get the computer. After a bit, a different salesperson comes out with some paperwork. It went something like this:

Him: So I see you don’t want the warranty, are you sure about that?

Me: Yes, I just want the computer.

Him: How about a best buy credit card, 0% interest for 12 months. Plus you get reward certificate for signing up.

Me: OK, I’ll do that.

Him: How about credit protection fee?

Me: No, I don’t want that.

Him: (Lie #1) It’s free for the first two months, and they call you if you want to continue, and then you get $25 in best buy certificates.

Me: OK. (What actually happened: I had to call and be on the phone for an hour with some clueless Indian in an offshore calling center to get this resolved. Total f’ing hassle).

Him: Are you sure about that warranty:?

At this point, the other original salesman (read, lying asshole) came out, and in a seamless handoff, begin in on me. Looking back on it, I realize this was like a pro wrestler tagging in on a two-on-one ass kicking. I didn’t have a chance.

Him: So, thought anymore about that warranty?

Me: Don’t want it.

Him: How about a free (lie #2) subscription to napster?

Me: OK. (Actually, another bigass hassle to close.

Him: If you sign here, we will give you another $25 best buy certificate.

Me: What’s the catch?

Him: No catch. (Lie #3, a fucking doozy) They just send you an application and you decide if you want to apply.

Truth: About two months later, I receive a bill from household bank that I now have a credit card with a $500 credit limit, and get this, a fucking $99/year annual fee, which was included on the first bill. This is an excellent 25% credit to fee ratio. After another hour of hassle, with some very nice Indian fellow in Calcutta, I finally go this taken care of.

I then proceeded to the cashier.

Cashier: I see you didn’t want the warranty, you should really get the warranty.

At this point, I feel like I’m in some kind of episode of Seinfeld, or a hidden camera show. Bottom line, after all the shit they put you through, and the bullshit lies they tell you whcih turn into a huge hassle, don’t go to this fucking den of cheats.

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.”—

President George Bush.

Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002