It is here. The moment we have been waiting for for 364 days, since we woke up extraordinarily hungover January 1st, 2007. Can you feel it?

New Years Eve has to be one of the most, if not the most, anticipated holidays of the year for the 20-somethings of this country. Planning begins weeks earlier. What bar should we rent? Who is going to throw the next greatest party? What beautiful girl am I going to find to kiss at midnight? Hours upon hours of thought build up to the night.

Expectations:

So you and your friends decided to spend the night out on the town. Seems smart right? There are going to be tons of people out. Everyone having a great time. Immense amounts of alcohol on every corner. The perfect bar has been chosen: part DJ, part dance floor, part friends, part…WOMEN! You arrive at the bar at 9:30 sharp. Fashionably late, but still plenty of time to catch a buzz and mingle with friends prior to the midnight festivities. Everything is great. The perfect combo of hip-hop and that typo of techno you can actually stand is playing. You are amped. The women are all dancing with you. Your friends are buying shots. The bartender is giving out high-5’s. Life is good.

It is 11:30 and for the last 20 minutes you have been talking to that one friend of a friend that you have always had an eye on - after all she is a legit 10. She is in your circle of friends, but also not in your circle of friends, so a New Years kiss is seeming like a better and better idea. The guys come over with more shots in hand, the ball drops, everybody screams, you get your kiss, 2008 is sure to be a great year!

Reality:

8pm roles around. People are getting ready to go to the bar. Excitement is high. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Shit. “Well, 2 people out of this awesome group of 10 are just going to have to drive us to the bar. Volunteers anyone?” 45 minutes later, you realize that literally everyone in the city is driving at the exact same time. You didn’t know this many cars existed. They do. And when you are trying to park next to the bar, they exist there as well. Its OK, a 1 mile walk in the freezing December air is just what you wanted before the party. Oops, you forgot to bring a jacket because you didn’t want it to ruin the perfect style of the vertically-striped button down you are wearing. Fashion before comfort on New Years, always. Oh there’s a little rain, awesome!

Finally, there’s the bar across the street. You have made it. Fun is about to start! “Hello, we are with the XX party, here for our reservation.” The bouncer responds, “oh sure, just get in line and you will be right in.” “But wait, we have a reservation. Do you understand the meaning of a reservation?” (am I in a Seinfeld episode?) His death look appears to understand the meaning of a reservation, but apparently it only applied to you if we were at the bar before 8pm. Another setback. Its ok, a 17 person line is nothing compared to the walk you just made. You are almost home free. What’s that you say Mr. End Of The Line Person? It is one in, one out?? Great, cause that’s what people do on New Years - come to a bar and leave pre-midnight. Well, as long as 17 people had that plan in mind you should be in in no time.

11:30 roles around. You are first in line! All the women you brought gave up an hour ago and went to the dive bar down the street. But you are men. You have been to Vegas and know the meaning of a line to get into a bar. You will make it! 11:45, just in time, lets get shots. Well at least the line at the bar is inside and warm. “HEY, six touchdowns please….hello? Six bud lights too. Pay attention to me, I will tip…PLEASE!” Midnight. The ball drops. Screams everywhere. You look around for the mysterious midnight kisser and realize you are surrounded by your friends…your guy friends. “What was that you wanted?” “Oh, uh, six touchdowns and six beers, thanks.” It might be past midnight, but you are drinking, you are in a bar, it is New Years, its fun time. So why is everyone leaving? Maybe the night peaked for them at midnight, but don’t they realize that 6 fun guys just got in and want to party? Shit. Well at least you have easy access to the bar now. Lets get drunk.

2am. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. hmmmmmm

HAPPY NEW YEARS

The Krystle Lina Experience Sux from Hottest Girls of My Space

Efffn Los Angeles-USC/UCLA Rivalry from Mac Gs World

Lou’s Picks Part Dos from Loser with Socks (NSFW picture at the top of the post)

Happy New Year’s 1988, The 20th Anniversary from Busted Coverage

what me worry? from The Putdown

Rod Stewart Didn’t Always Suck Ass from Brahsome

Nas’s Nigger Album Art from Slam Dizzle

Elisabetta Gregoracis’s Huge Camel Toe from Paul’s World (site NSFW)

I Hope You’re Sitting Down For This News: Eli Manning Is Not Awesome from Epic Carnival

What a fucking awesome ad. Not only did your Dad drink Canadian Club but he was out on the town bangin’ broads before your mother showed up and you were even a twinkle in his eye. I am not sure if my Dad ever drank Candaian Club but I know for a fact that my Grandpa still enjoys Canadian Club to this day.

[via dethroner.com]

Apparently airport security personnel are assholes all over the world not just here in the U.S.A.

Neil Grant a brewery executive flying from Australia to the U.K. was forced to smash two bottles of wine valued at $3000 by airport security at Melbourne’s Tullmarine airport. The bottles were an 1980 and ‘82 Grange from Mr. Grant’s personal collection but he forgot that there was a 100ml liquid rule for anything in carry-on luggage. Mr. Grant tried everything he could think of to save the wine. He even offered to open both bottles and let everyone at the security checkpoint try the wine. When the chuckleheads at the security checkpoint proved to be inflexible Mr. Grant decided to smash the bottles himself to ensure that if he wasn’t drinking it nobody would.

Sure you can say that Grant is the idiot and he should have remembered the liquid rule but why do the airport security workers have to be such assholes. What is the harm of letting a guy get on a plane with two bottles of sealed wine. Are you worried he isn’t going to buy any of the $5 drinks? For fucks sake use some common sense.

Goddamn it I hate it when good booze goes to waste.

Original Story: news.com.au

I love a story that’s close to home. So you and the lady friend are getting ready to play a game of hide the salami in the shower and your dog wants to watch the action. Do you A)kick the dog out of the bathroom on get on with things B)Call your lady friend a bitch or C)Get your ass beat and end up with a dislocated shoulder?

Today’s lucky winner, a 26 year old ass clown from Bremerton, WA, got the old B and C combination. When his girlfriend asked him to get the dog out of the bathroom he reportedly told her maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more and then “called her a name”. Apparently those are fighting words in B-town because the girlfriend punched him several times in the face and the guy ended up with a dislocated shoulder after the naked fight ended.

Why did this idiot want the dog in the bathroom so bad? Was he going to high-paw him while he was humping away?

Original Story: KTVB.com

It’s New Years Eve and apparently I am the only douche bag that showed up to work today. I don’t mind showing up to work but it was a real bitch to show up at the gym at 6:30 a.m. this morning and find out they weren’t opening until 8:00 a.m., lazy bastards.

You don’t need a flux capacitor but you are going to need a cool $10 million to get your hands on project Clockstar. In case you don’t have the $10 million up front you have the option of paying it off over 90 days, which is nice. I feel completely comfortable sending $10 million to someone located in Las Vegas who has no feedback on their Ebay profile. Oh, did I fail to mention this ground breaking time travel theory is available for sale exclusively on Ebay? $10 million would get you a shitload of pulls on the old nickel slots. In case you have any questions there is a phone number posted with auction. Maybe I should call and confirm that no flux capacitor is involved.

This is a True, Real, and Viable Time Travel Theory & Project. Logistics, Mapping and Methodology.Complete with Illustrations.

PROJECT CLOCKSTAR;

This is the Foundation of True Time Travel. Mathematically & Mechanically Pinpoints, Absolute, Stable.vs temporal, Variable. Constant. Wormhole/Porthole for Precise Pre-Calculated Entry Point in Time and Space. Mathematically Generated Point of Interest in Real Space. Provides Route, Entrance & Exit Points. I Absolutely Guarantee that this is the Basis, Foundation, and Future of Time Travel. This is the Only Document/Project on the Planet that can make this Claim and Prove it. This is a Strategic Advantage for America. GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!

After Ten Years of Research and Hard Work, our Discovery Indicates that the Possibility of Time Travel exists. It is a very Complex and Precise Formula. Under Precise Conditions this is Possible and Achievable. This Document & Project is completely Original and Exclusive It is not Plagiarized or Based on Anyone elses work. It is Real and True Science and Mathematics. This Document Facilitates Precise and Exact entry Point in Time and Space Desired. This Document & Project is One of a kind. A Forty–Two page Hand- Written Original. Included is Set-Up Chapter for Absolute Timing. Several Government Agencies have been Notified of its Existance.

Ebay Auction

Top Ten Tatooed Myspace Girls (And what it all means) from Hottest Girls of My Space

ABC-Always Be Closing from Mac Gs World

I AM ALABAMA: The Weedeater Bowl Primer from Loser with Socks

Ohio State Fat, Drunk, Unemployed, Old Guy Impresses The Internets from Busted Coverage

More DUI News from Epic Carnival

Eva Mendes Bares Her Ass in FHM: France. from Paul’s World

i’m bigger than the nhl from The Putdown

Is that a Cock and Balls Imprinted on Your Face? from Brahsome

Abi Titmuss 2008 Calendar Pics from Slam Dizzle

Not every drunk that the police run across spits on them or requires a tasing.

Take Danielle Musselwhite, 23, for instance, she was wasted and tried to run a woman off the road. I am sure it was an accident but when the victim approached Danielle’s car Danielle promptly vomited all over the victim’s leg. The quick thinking victim quickly grabbed Danielle’s keys from the ignition and called the fuzz. Danielle was in no mood to cooperate with the deputies and decided instead to pull her dress down and flash them with her boobies. When the cops asked her to cover up she responded by pulling her entire dress up and giving the coppers a look at her va-jay-jay.

See, so it isn’t always spit and tasers. Sometimes the cops get to see a nice set of boobies.

Original Story: naplesnews.com

I am finally back to the internet! It was 4 long days and I am amazed that I actually made it. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and got some good loot.

Huge thanks to Baba Ganoush and Mr. Wonka for holding down the fort while the rest of us jerked off for the last four days. Baba Ganoush almost doubled his total number of posts in the last four days. Pretty goddamn impressive.

Wayne Wykof may be the drunk driver of the century. This guy has 13 convictions for DUI, and for his latest, he decided to (in order): spit in a cop’s face, bite himself, get tasered, tear up the booking papers the police gave him, and finally strip naked, wave his junk around and tell the cops that he would really appreciate it if the arresting officer give him some oral satisfaction. Maybe the cop just mispronounced his last name and he was following orders. Get it?

Anyway, the dude’s got balls, but evidently not a lot of brains…or cab money…

See the video on CNN

The Love of Sports put together a nice rundown of the best sports game made for the older Nintendo systems. The list is pretty good and some obvious thought was put into the ranking and overall decision making process.

Here’s their top 7:

1. Blades of Steel - Konami, 1988
2. Double Dribble - Konami, 1987
3. California Games - Epyx, 1989
4. Track and Field II - Konami, 1988
5. Mike Tyson’s Punch Out - NES, 1987
6. RBI Baseball - Tengen, 1988
7. Tecmo Super Bowl - Tecmo, 1991

My favorites on this list were California Games and Tecmo Super Bowl. In college, my roommate and I rocked the old school Nintendo and had many battles on California Games and Contra - two games which will never lose their appeal. Tecmo Super Bowl felt like the first legit football game - playing a whole season’s worth of games and tracking your stats - it still remains a classic. Too bad you can’t find a sports game these days without “EA” in the title. Not to mention, where’s Konami these days? Selling out to Yu-Gi-Oh… nice.

Here’s the full article: The Love of Sports.

Ellen Degeneres is throwing her Hollywood weight around again. After appearing on her show a couple months back, a fellow named Chris Bryant now has his own Nike shoes and commercial. So what sport does Chris Bryant specialize in? Running… I know… boring! But wait, while running, Bryant happens to also jump over cars. Yeah, you may have heard of him, Chris Bryant’s nickname is “The Car Jumper.”

Check out the commercial here.

Very impressive. This is like taking freestyle walking to the next level. This guy needs to be on the Olympic team next year, I mean if you can jump over a freaking car you have to be somewhat decent in the long or high jump, right?

Hey Nike, I jump over puddles when I run… I’ll be waiting for your call.

You can watch the interview between Chris and Ellen here.

Well, it’s official - 2007 has been one shitty year for hot women. Brittany Spears turns into a fat whack job, Jennifer Love Hewitt is getting married, Lindsay Lohan has totally lost it, Paris Hilton has further proved to be a whore, Amy Winehouse is a female Pete Doherty, even Jamie Lynn Spears has a bun in the oven, and Jessica Alba just delivered the dagger!

It was only two weeks ago when I started crying myself to sleep after hearing of Jessica Alba’s pregnancy, but now there’s news that she’s engaged too! The most reliable source for celebrity gossip and news, People magazine, has confirmed that Alba is in fact wearing an engagement ring from her baby’s daddy, Cash Warren. The two have been together for three and half…blah blah blah!

Seriously?!?! This year sucks! 2008 can not get here fast enough. Somebody get Vince Vaughn or Charlie Sheen on the phone to break this up, stat! I’m going home to burn my “Fantastic Four” and “Honey” DVD collection.

An Oregon woman was found passed out in a car at a pizza restaurant about a month ago in Clackamas County. When Meagan Harper finally made it to the hospital, the police did the necessary tests to determine her blood alcohol level - the result a whooping .55 percent! That’s around seven times the level limit! Apparently, at that level, most people would just stop breathing. Good mental note.

Turns out, Ms. Harper has something you might consider a drinking “problem.” This upstanding citizen is on probation for driving under the influence and is awaiting trail on another DUI charge, not to mention her two prior convictions. She even managed to rack up a DUI while operating a boat.

With New Year’s Eve coming up next week, please use this cautionary tale to drink responsibly, designate a driver or just pony up for a cab.

Full Article: The Seattle Times.

(The included picture is the result of my “drunk meagan” Google image search.)