In response to Mitch’s post below about ass wiping techniques, he’s obviously forgotten the conversation he, Hank, and I had on a road trip a couple month’s back. I posed the question to them: “How do you guys wipe your ass? Are you folders or crumplers?”
I told them I was a folder; three or four sheets, folded over to the size of a single sheet. Wipe once, examine the TP to find out how shitty your ass is, then fold one more time and wipe again. Now, to my amazement, I found out they are both crumplers! I asked them why and Mitch claimed that the crumpling method gives you more surface area. Now that may be true, but how much surface area do you need to wipe an asshole that’s maybe 1″ in diameter? He tried to further his point by telling me to go clean a mirror using the folding, then the crumpling method. I said no.
From this conversation I learned three things: (1) both of my roommates are crumplers, (2) they are most likely ass scrubbers rather than ass wipers, and (3) that’s the reason we use our toilet paper so fast.
You might be asking yourself about point #3 above, but it’s a fact that crumplers use more TP than folders. I found that it takes at least 10 sheets to get a good crumple that’s sufficient to protect you from sticking your finger in your brown-eye, compared to the 4 sheets I use free from worries of the brown-eye poke.
To my surprise, after a quick Google search I found out that someone else has had that same exact question. The Poop Report has a page that poses the question where people have responded with their various techniques and wiping styles. Go check it out! I didn’t tally the results of people’s comments, but it seems like the majority of them are folders. How do you wipe? Add your comments and let us know!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
You silly fucking folder. You aren’t doing anything but smearing that shit around. The crumple gives you some texture and removes more material from the area of offense.
I’m with Mitch and Hank on this one. Crumpling or “bunching” as called on the poop report is the way to go. Toilet paper is one area of my life that will not be skimped on. If you are buying Costco toilet paper, your total cost per shit (CPS) is relatively low to begin with so the extra 4-6 sheets used is inconsequential. As for Honcho’s technique of folding in half and reswiping, that is just asking for disaster. Used toilet paper, now matter how much residue has been collected should be immediately disposed of.
Well, I don’t associate with either sides here. I come from India, a tropical country where we do not really use the paper the way you guys do it. We believe in washing our asses before we wipe them. I have never quite reconciled, may be out of my ignorance, how one could spend the day with out washing his ass thoroughly. As far as use of paper is concerned, it is very limited in my scheme of things as i use it to wipe the remnants rather than the crux of the issue.