*RingRing*
“Good afternoon, Acme Pest Elimination. This is Nancy. How may I help you today?”
Me: Yes I need you to kill something that’s bothering me. It’s a total pest. It’s Matt. I need you to kill Matt. He’s the one that’s pestering me.
Nancy: Okay, how many rats do you think are in the infestation? Seven? Twelve? Thirteen? More than thirteen?
Me: I didn’t say rats. I said Matt.
Nancy:…Please tell me Matt is a nickname you’ve given one of the rats.
Me: He could be a rat. If he were a rat, he’d be the biggest, ugliest, tick-ridden rat that ever ratted. He’d be king of the rats. Time for the king to die. So? Can you kill him or can’t you? And how much is this going to cost because as much as I want to kill him, I don’t want to spend that much money on his death. Maybe on the disposal of his corpse, but definitely not on his death. Anyone can shoot some one and dump his body in the woods, but it takes some real skill to chop off the limbs and dump it in an acid bath…
Nancy: Click.
Me: Nancy? Did you just say click? I could’ve sworn we were going some where with this…galactic cunt….
That is just the first of four hilarious prank calls to different exterminators. Brilliant! Takes me back to my Jerky Boys impersonation days.
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