This post is really Honcho’s. He found this last night and asked me to post it for him today (due to some corporate web filtering software) but the embed code he had didn’t work. The guy really is a good salesman so I did a quick youtube search to find another copy.

If you are going to do a live product demo make sure you understand how the product works. Especially if you plan on standing on said product.

What the fuck are Montell Williams, Maury Provich and Jerry Springer going to do now that any joe shmoe can pick up a home paternity test for $29.99 at a local Rite Aid? The whole “Are you my babies daddy?” or the ever popular “Am I your babies daddy?” shows are these guys bread and butter. Sure Jerry likes to mix it up with a couple of neo-Nazis every once in a while but they all fall back on the paternity test show.

My favorite is the one where some poor 23 year old guy who probably didn’t even make it through high school has been supporting some chick and a kid he truly believes is his for 3 or 4 years. Somehow he ends on one of these shows, which should be his first sign something is wrong, and he finds out that the baby isn’t his after all. The crushed look on the guys face when Maury drops the bomb is priceless. I do feel bad for the guy but I can’t help but laugh my ass off.

Genetic testing is now available at the drugstore. A company called Sorenson Genomics has started selling a paternity test kit through Rite Aid stores in California, Oregon and Washington. It appears to be the first time a DNA test is being sold through a major pharmacy chain.

The test, sold under the brand name Identigene, has a suggested list price of $29.99, though a reporter purchased one at a Rite Aid in Santa Monica, Calif., for $19.99. There is an additional laboratory fee of $119 to have the samples analyzed.

Original Story: NY Times.com

A newspaper in Maryland is offering a free coffin to the first victim of a drunk driving accident this holiday season. Part of their promo is below.

Tired of all the nagging of loved ones, stupid commercials from MADD, cops, judges and addiction counselors? Throw a final bender this Christmas and get a cheaper funeral by being the ST. MARY’S TODAY Christmas Party DWI Dead Driver Winner!

A newspaper editor, whose family has dealt with deadly drunk driving accidents, is offering a coffin to the first person who dies this holiday season from a drunk driving accident.

Now, he’s offering a free coffin to the first person who kills him or herself in a drunk driving accident in the Charles, Calvert, St. Mary’s County region. “You wanna die? We’re gonna make it cheaper for you.”

Personally I think this a little fucked up. I don’t condone drunk driving but to encourage someone to get drunk and drive doesn’t seem right. If you are that die hard about fighting drunk driving there has got to be a more productive way to do it. How ironic would it be if this guy had one to many glasses of nog and ended up having to award the coffin to himself?

Original Story: News Channel 8

It was a fine little Thursday until we had to depose this bastard today

You are cruising down the street in the right hand lane on the way to the intersection where you see one guy in the left lane and several people in the right lane all with their right turn signals on. You make what appears to be the smart move and change into the left hand lane so that when the light turns green you can blow past all those humps in the right hand lane who end up waiting for Aunt Edna to make it through the crosswalk with her walker so they can make their right. Then the light turns green and as soon as your brain registers that the light is green the douche nozzle in front of you turns on his left turn signal and rolls three feet forward. You are now officially fucked. There are inevitably twenty cars lined up on the opposite side of the intersection and you are going to be lucky if the ass clown with the left blinker on is going to be able to turn before the yellow light. So you end up pinned in as Aunt Edna sets a personal best for “time across the crosswalk” and everyone in the right hand lane makes their turns and the other twenty people stacked behind them cruise through the intersection.

Goddamn it, this pisses me off! This happens to me at least once a week usually while I am trying to either negotiate my way down Madison or my way across Broadway. I don’t have a problem with people making left hand turns but do the courteous thing and turn your blinker on before the fucking light turns green. Let everyone behind you know that you plan on wasting the entire green light sitting there waiting to make a left. Then we can all plan accordingly so that we don’t end up stuck behind your left turning ass. It’s like going into a public restroom where everything looks normal and using the toilet. Then right as you press the handle to flush the toilet a sign drops down that says “Caution: Water May Hit You In The Face” and before you have a chance to react, water sprays you in the face. Had the sign been displayed before you pressed the handle you would have chosen a different course of action.

Pop quiz hotshot, you gave your brother $20 to buy some blow for your birthday celebration and he came back empty handed. What do you do?

Well if you are Philip Johnson you stab your no good bastard of a brother twice in the stomach. When I first read the headline I figured the two chuckleheads invovled were probably somewhere between 18 and 30. I just didn’t think anyone over that age bracket would care so much about getting some Columbian bam-bam for their birthday. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Philip Johnson, the stabber, is a ripe old 54 years old while his younger brother John Tyler, the stabbie, is 37 years old.

Maybe all that sunshine down there in Florida extends your drug snorting years.

Tyler, 37, told police he gave the money to someone who was supposed to buy the cocaine. When Johnson learned his brother didn’t buy the drugs but handed the $20 to someone else, he got angry and pulled a knife from his pocket, according to the report.

Johnson stabbed his brother twice in the stomach and caused defensive wounds on his brother’s wrist, police say.

Original Story: TBO.com

How is it that on one day almost $200,000 in beer is stolen by two different guys that are thousands of miles and an ocean apart? I doubt these guys were in cahoots but you have to admit that it is one hell of a coincidence. Especially since they both pulled off their heists by driving off with semi trucks loaded with beer.

One robbery took place in Dallas, TX where a guy hopped into a semi loaded with $100,000 of beer that was stopped at a truck stop and drove off.

Police said the 18-wheeler was stolen from a truck stop off South Lancaster near Interstate 20 around 7 p.m.The truck driver told officers his truck was loaded with approximately $100,000 worth of beer.

Original Story: NBC5i.com

The second robbery took place in Dublin where a theif drove into the Guiness brewery and drove out with a trailer containg 270 barrels of beer valued at around $94,636 U.S.

The lone raider’s haul also contained 180 kegs of Budweiser and 90 barrels of Carlsberg lager, police said. “A man drove into the yard in a truck and took a trailer containing the drink which has an estimated value of 64,000 euros (46.000 pounds),” a police spokesman said.

Original Story: Yahoo News

I don’t know what these guys are going to do with all that beer but I would like to think they are going to throw a couple of kick ass parties. In fact if either one happens to be reading Tastybooze feel free to throw a little beer our way and we will keep it hush hush.

I couldn’t help but laugh at every one of these horn pranks! My eyes were watering by the end. Some of these reactions are priceless!

For those of you that don’t know last weekend was the big college football rivalry game between the University of Washington and Washington State University known as the Apple Cup. The game was played in Seattle this year and it provided the perfect opportunity to take Das Boot out and introduce him to the WSU tailgate crowd. Honcho was kind enough to let me borrow his Jack Bauer messenger bag for transportation of Das Boot making it easy to move from tailgate to tailgate without fear of dropping and breaking Das Boot.

It took a couple of hours for the tailgate crowd to warm up but by 2:30 p.m. chants of “Das Boot!” could be heard sporadically through out the party. It was Yerzimbeck that pulled seven ice cold Busch Lights out of his cooler and said, “Let’s fill that fucker up!” to get the first Das Boot started. I kicked off the festivities with the first drink but didn’t last long once the brain freeze from the ice cold booze lights set in. Cory stepped up to bat about 10 minutes after the first Das Boot was finished and filled it up with Budweiser. You can definitely tell the difference moving from Busch Light to straight up Anheusers.

About six of us headed back to my place to watch the game on TV after the tailgate parties. We ended up doing two more boggs filled Das Boots during the game. Drinking a 7 beer Das Boot in a circle of 6 people is one way to get fucked up fast.

The best part about doing the group Das Boot is that you get to see multiple bubbles. In Beerfest one guy drank the whole boot so there was only one bubble. When you are dealing with a group, depending on the magnitude of drinkers you have got, you are going to see at least 2 but possibly 5 bubbles as people try to drink down past the ankle but then turn the boot upright again. Bubble 2 is usually the best because the drinker thinks the poor sap before of them took care of the bubble and then it hits them in the face. Here are few pictures of Das Boot making the rounds at the tailgate party. Just for reference the picture above is Das Boot with about 5 beers. It takes at least 7 beers to fill it up to an acceptable group drinking level.

Product Page: DAS BOOT

This has to be one of the funniest 30 seconds of The Office I’ve ever seen. The Deposition episode was great. Can’t wait for next season, and for this writers strike to be over.

It surprised me to find that Homer Simpson has 2 out of the top 3 quotes in this list. There are great quotes in the list but I don’t really agree with the order they have been put in or that they are the 25 greatest. For instance this Dean Martin quote has always been one of my favorites and it didn’t even make the list: “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”

Here are a couple that did make the cut:

4. I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan.

19. I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. –George Best

Full List: OnMyList.com

I will be honest, dick jokes make me laugh. I couldn’t pass up writing a headline like that. This is like checking your Business Law 210 grade and finding a kid named Richard Girth on the class roster. You have to take advantage of the situation and run it into the ground. Business Law 210 was 8 years ago and I am still working on running that one into the ground.

Diexia Wang, a Penn senior, was charged with burglary, criminal trespassing, harassment and theft after he allegedly stole underwear and purses from several women. Southwest Detectives also are investigating whether Wang stalked a woman who lived in the Harold C. Mayer Residence Hall. Police said Wang may also be linked to at least a half-dozen bizarre thefts on campus, according to media reports.

Original Story: philly.com

For some reason the only cool stuff I’ve been able to find lately has to do with shit. I don’t get it. Oh well, here’s the Poop Tube.

Now it seems that it just got easier than ever. A 40 year old teacher has been arrested for sleeping with a 14 year old student she was home schooling. This little son of a bitch didn’t even have to leave the comfort of his parent’s home. There are probably teenagers everywhere going to school day in and day out hoping they get a shot with the English teacher and then this bastard trumps them all.

A Van Nuys teacher was arrested on suspicion of having a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old boy, police said Friday. According to police, Merideth Johnson Vincent, 40, was arrested on Thursday at about 3 p.m. Police said Vincent was allegedly molesting the boy during the past several months. He was part of her home schooling group, according to police.

Is it really molesting if the kid is counting down the minutes until the next time his home school teacher comes over to grade his homework assignment? I feel bad for the kids parents. They were probably excited because little Timmy was showing a never before seen interest in school the last few months. Then they have to find out it was all because he was catching a little ass during home school geometry.

Original Story: KNBC.com

I apologize for bringing this whole disgusting topic back into the world. But I just came across this short video that is ripe with HOOO-larity. Yes it does involve 2 guys, 1 cup, and John Mayer…..what could be better right?