Dear Jennifer/JLH/Love,

You’ve been in the news a lot recently; all those tabloids, “magazines” and celebrity blogs, ripping into you for being “fat.” I’ve always been a fan of your body…of work and your body, ever since hitting the scene in Party of Five (Bailey is a douche). The “Can’t Hardly Wait” movie poster graced the walls of my bedroom during high school, and “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” looked over me through college (that poster was 62% boobage, thanks to you). Hell, I even forced myself to watch “Garfield, The Movie.”

I’ve stood up for you through thick and thin (literally). When my female friends in college claimed you had a “rat face,” your attempt at a singing career, the decision to star opposite Jackie Chan in “The Tuxedo,” and the numerous claims by friends/media that your breasts were fake, I defended your honor. Now, you have gone and betrayed me. Through all the cellulite discussion from the past couple of weeks, what I missed was a little announcement. Janice Dickinson and I were finally on the same page (Tyra Banks is fat), then a friend said, “It’s totally understandable that Jennifer Love Hewitt let her body go, she’s engaged now.” My response: “HaaaWhat?!?!”

After doing a little “research,” the apparent rumor is true. Even worse, it’s to some C-list, no-talent ass clown from the U.K.? Until now, I thought I didn’t have a shot… Here’s a quick comparison between the future Mr. Jennifer Love Hewitt (I refuse to use his actual name) and me:

• He is from the UK :: I am from America! U.S.A.! U.S.A!
• He was in “Band of Brothers” :: I was an extra in “The 6th Man“
• You’ve given him some guest spots on “Ghost Whisperer” :: I have a real job and can support myself
• He was a performance capture understudy for “The Polar Express” :: I write funny blog posts
• He doesn’t know how to please you :: I am a breasts man

So Love, please reconsider. I’ll promise to watch the second “Garfield” movie!

Motorboatingly yours,
Baba Ganoush

P.s. So blogs say you’re fat, well I ain’t down with that. ‘Cause your boobs are real and your curves are kickin’, and I’m thinkin’ about stickn’…