Dear Fuck you Tom Brady,

This weekend you have the chance to become one of, if not the, greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. Even MSN has a little thing for you. This Super Bowl Sunday could define your career. Well personally, I hope it defines your career as a top notch douchebag.

I hope you choke on your mouth guard during the first quarter. I hope Osi Umenyiora takes a shit on you. I hope Eli Manning makes you look like Rick Mirer. I hope R.W. McQuarters catches more balls than Wes Welker. I hope Michael Strahan adopts your bastard son. I hope Lawrence Tynes celebrates a game winning field goal by banging Gisele (twice). I hope Tom Coughlin suffocates Bill Belichick with his own hooded sweatshirt.

Let’s face it, you are a product of a system. If it wasn’t for Drew Bledsoe getting injured, you would probably be selling used cars back in Ann Arbor. Stevie Wonder could have quarterbacked the Patriots to the Super Bowl this year. It must be nice to have a cheating head coach tell you all the plays, huh? How hard can it be to just throw the ball as far as you can to Randy Moss?

Yeah, you’ve all been taught by a midget Yoda - wearing a cut-off New England sweatshirt - not to talk to the media about anything important. What’s it like to not think for yourself? … Oh, did Belichick not prepare you to answer that question? Asshat. Maybe I should ask Gisele what it’s like making out with a guy with an ass on his chin and a fivehead.

In conclusion, I hope the Patriots lose. I don’t care how, or by how much. Just lose. Go Giants!

I hate you,
Baba Ganoush

P.S. What are you doing next weekend? Want to come over and watch the Pro Bowl at my place?