This morning the New York Post has a nice little crime article about a salami-heist gone wrong. Apparently Orlando Matinez entered a grocery store in Brooklyn and attempted to smuggle seven salamis on his person (in his pants and shirt to be more specific) as he exited the store. The store owner confronted Matinez and fistacuffs broke out. Luckily some other shoppers came to the owners’ aid after being knocked-the-fuck-out, and held down Matinez until the pigs cops arrived.

Here’s how I imagine the confrontation going down:

Owner: “Hey, is that a salami in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”
Matinez: “Uh… I’m just happy to see you…”
Owner: “Wait… that is a salami in your pants… and there’s another one!”
Matinez: “No it’s not… it’s just so long I have to wrap it around my leg.”
Owner: “Oh really?!?! Then why is your salami in your shirt too?”
Matinez: “Elephantiatis.”
Owner: “Huh?” (Punched in the face)

Also, I have to give up to the New York Post. They like to have fun with their stories, beginning, middle and end:

Headline: Wurst-Case Scenario for Thief: Cops

Opening: Where’s the beef? Orlando Matinez allegedly stuffed it down his pants.

Closing: Police recovered the salamis.

Here’s the complete article.