It’s time for the highly touted division 1/ Bowl Championship Series Championship/highest revenue teams play other high revenue teams for the 2008 college football revenue championship game. Unlike many other bowl games this year, the championship game pits two teams that are primarily referred to as their acronyms! Fun all around. Of course pundits have been running their mouths all of December debating if OSU is too slow, if LSU is too humid, or if a tiger would die form eating a poisonous nut, etc., but of course they are all idiots. Like every good Sociology major knows, the key prognosticating tool for bowl games is a close examination of the statistics and structural components of the two teams competing. Accordingly, OSU and LSU by the numbers…

1. Starting kicker height, weight, and age:

OSU – Ryan Pretorious 5’9” 175 age 28

LSU – Patrick Fisher 6’5” 238 age 22

Edge: on paper it looks like LSU has the advantage, but the Buckeye kicker is 28 and white African, that’s right he was born in Africa, and is white, and is 28. Clearly, being an ethnic oxymoron, and 6 years older than the competition allows Ryan to gain the advantage here, even though he gives up 63 pounds and 8 inches. Edge-OSU

2. Backup quarterback arrested for soliciting a prostitute who was an undercover cop:

OSU – 1

LSU – 0

Edge: If Henton can’t find tail in the OSU dorms, how is he going to find the tailback on the field? (Interesting note: the sex of the undercover cop was never revealed in the arrest reports leading one to wonder?) Edge-LSU

3. Cheerleader named Codi Cox:

OSU – 0

LSU – 1

Edge: Really, there is nothing to say that is remotely appropriate here. I am sure she is a team and fan favorite. She also hates her dad. Edge-LSU

4. Student enrollment:

OSU – 50,504

LSU – 31,264

Edge: Given that OSU must have a much larger alumni base, who have not recently been ravaged by a national disaster, suggests that the OSU fans at the BCS Championship game are likely to be 2.5 to 3 times more drunk than their humid neighbors. Once the game is over, regardless of the victor, Buckeye fans, at a ratio of 10:1, will attempt to light furniture on fire, but will be foiled by the general dampness of all physical objects, and will end up vandalizing Habitat for Humanity recovery projects. Got to love those Buckeye fans! Edge-LSU

5. Legalized toplessness:

OSU – yes

LSU – yes

Edge: Who knew? While it’s legal to be topless in Columbus no one wants to see that. Edge-LSU

6. School closest to Kenny George

OSU – 483 miles

LSU – 733 miles

Edge: Kenny George (UNC Ashville) is supposed to be a football player but somehow found his way onto the court at 7’7” 360. At his size, he is considered a gravitational force to be reckoned with. Those in Columbus have experienced flying objects being pulled in the general direction of North Carolina over the past couple months. This unnatural phenomenon has improved the accuracy and composure of the OSU quarterbacks when they play further away from Kenny, much like running in the high altitude of Kenya has improved the marathon time of numerous Kenyan runners. Edge-OSU

7. School that has the best photos on Google image when I type in “funny looking (Ohio State or LSU) fan”

OSU – more

LSU – less

Edge: the best is the Michigan mangina photo. Extra credit goes to the spring break photo of OSU coeds. Ladies always look classy with their pants pulled down and writing on their back. Edge-OSU

8. 2007 first round NBA draft picks

OSU – 3

LSU – 0

Edge: While that Davis fellow from LSU is doing well as of late, OSU clearly takes the cake here, even with Oden out for the year. Plus, Davis’ player photo looks like this

Edge-OSU

9. Team rushing and passing (per game)

OSU – 523 attempts (4.6 avg) / 304 attempts (196.4 avg)

LSU – 563 attempts (5.1 avg) / 415 attempts (229.2 avg)

Edge: Rushing is only slightly significantly different, somewhere around 7 yards a game difference, essentially negligible. On the passing side, LSU has a clear edge, coupled with more rushing attempts suggests that LSU is on offense more often than OSU (even accounting for the extra game played), about a drive or two more a game. This is critical, as LSU is good at controlling the ball on offense, and OSU hopes to use its defense to gain field position. For now, LSU has the edge, but it’s going to come down to turnovers I tell you. And possibly the kicking game, but we have already discussed that. Edge-LSU

10. Head coach

OSU – Jim Tressel

LSU – Les Miles

Edge: Tressel prays a lot, wears a sweater vest, and is known as “The Vest.” Miles turned down a better job at Michigan, prays less, wears a hat, and is known as “The Hat.” The Vest has gotten to more championships, but is less appropriate in hot weather. The Hat is dumb. Edge-OSU

All said and done:

OSU 19

LSU 11