The night started with my ladyfriend wanting to see The Other Boleyn Girl. While Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson are slap-happy hot, I was not in the mood for a ‘period’ piece, if you know what I mean. We settled on Paranoid Park.

You may have seen reviews:

“…mesmerizing” -Rolling Stone
“…beautiful portrait of a teenage boy” -New York Times
“…a focused portrait of how these rapidly maturing young people act, think, speak and behave” -Hollywood Reporter

To those I say BUUULLLLLLLLSHIT!

I literally wanted to stab my own thigh at the halfway point just to remind myself of worse things in the world.

Director Gus Van Sant, continues to bore the crap out of me with his mind-numbingly drawn out shots of unnecessary shit. No joke, 4 full minutes of an Elliott Smith song and some kids walking down a hallway.

It’s my fault. I was duped by the reviews and my drug induced memory loss. Another film by Gus Van Sant that I have already seen is Elephant. Same shit, but with kids getting capped in the hallway.

The overview of Paranoid Park is; a teenage boy, Alex, and the ’skaters’ in his Portland, Oregon high school are involved in a murder investigation. A security guard was cut in half by a train (best part of the movie) after being hit in the head with a skateboard.

How long did that last sentence take to read? Well, a pretentious d-bag’s explanation takes about 80 minutes. This movie could have been accomplished in the time it takes to drop a D.

This film is beautifully shot, which is forgotten after you fall asleep. The dialog is realistic for the most part. Kids in movies are usually horrific. These kids seem true, except for Alex’s female friend, Macy, whose entire script was made up of questions, really fucking annoying questions.

“What are you doing?”
“Reading the paper.”
“So you just came here to read the paper?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, don’t you think that’s weird?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re an irritating yotch with bad skin! Get the fuck out of my face, troll!”

Alex’s girlfriend, Jennifer, whose erratic behavior is very reminiscent of an ‘other’ , was great. Although, she wanted to have sex with Alex and he didn’t know if he was ready. At that age, I was so hormonal, I would have (may have) humped the couch cushions.

Overall, this is one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. I am a film lover, which is why I thought I would appreciate this artsy movie. Save yourself some agony and cash.

The worst part of this experience happened later that night. I went home and looked OnDemand and fucking Paranoid Park was available at a 3rd of the price I paid. FUCK THIS MOVIE.