National Masturbation Day has come and gone and a new champ has been crowned. Actually, to be fair co-champs. Norihiro Taneichi and Masanobu Sato flogged their purple headed monsters for 8 hours and 40 minutes. That’s right eight goddamn hours. That four minutes you spend in the shower ain’t got shit on these guys. However these new record holders didn’t do it unassisted. They were using a product called the Tenga Adult Concept orgasim cup. The Tenga isn’t just some keg cup filled with jello, the thing is a top-of-the-line jackoff machine. It’s got nubs, ripples, suction basically everything you want in a good masturbating gadget.
The Tenga isn’t available stateside but I expect some of you enterprising bastards to get a few of these things imported and then get your practice on so that we can bring the championship home next year.
Then you better fire up your PDA or cell phone and download Trapster ASAP. Trapster allows users to report in real time the location of speed traps or speed cameras in their area. Sort of like Twitter but without all the human genitalia jokes. It looks pretty sick in the live demo (below). If you are cruising down the block in your six-four and notice the local fuzz camped out behind some bushes you simply press #1 on your phone and a real time update is sent to Trapster. Now the next Trapster user that rolls into the area will get an SMS alert along with an audio notification that the 5-0 is in the vicinity.
It’s finally Friday. Today we have a boyfriend’s guide to Sex and the City, bikini wedgies equal romance, Busted Coverage is doing 24 hours of bikinis and a one punch school yard knockout.
As I have gotten older my hangovers have gone from non-existent to completely debilitating. Back when I was a young buck freshman year of college I could drink till 2 a.m. get up at 7 a.m., do a house job and be at class by 8 a.m. Sure, I might have technically still been drunk but the point is I could do it. If I tried to pull the same stunt now on a Wednesday night there is no way I would be making it to work on Thursday. Sure I can wake up by 7 a.m. but I can’t remember my own name until at least 10 a.m. and doing anything that requires actually functioning as a human is out of the question.
As a result I have decided to make a life changing decision. Sure I could cut back on drinking or I could buy into one of those miracle hangover cures, but I say that’s the sissy way out. I am going to skip all that nancy bullshit. I am going to face the motherfucker head on. I am going to take my hangover by the horns and say, “Fuck you, hangover!” and then wrestle the little bitch to the ground.
Sure that last double whiskey water is probably a bad idea but you know what? Fuck it! No longer am I going to be afraid of my hangover. I am going to pop out of bed at 7 a.m. fresh as a fucking daisy, well a drunk daisy, and I am going to tackle the day. No longer are Sunday mornings going to be spent laying in bed or on the couch popping Excedrin and wishing I was dead. I am going to be productive. Maybe I will go grocery shopping, maybe I will braise some chickens in pork fat and make a nice Coq au vin for my lady friend. And work? I can handle work. That’s the beauty of email, son. A little extra after shave to cover the 6 hour old Bud Light smell in case the boss comes by and I will be money.
It’s a new day and I am fucking stoked. Wednesday night at the bar? Bring it, and be prepared for tequila shots.
This guy does his best impression of Chuck Norris’ outstanding climbing skills he showed off in Missing in Action. He’s no James Braddock. In fact, he’s got a long way to go before he should climb anything.
Well, the day has finally arrived - the day that women aged 18-65 have been waiting for since the final episode of “Sex And The City” on HBO. More than four years since that fateful night, “Sex And The City” is back in movie form today. (Or last night for those obsessive fans who felt the need to see a midnight showing… And yes, “Sex And The City” is like the “Star Wars” for vaginas.)
As I’ve said before, a majority of my coworkers are female and all of them are in the “Sex And The City” demographic. Since the four bitches squashed their personal issues and decided they needed some more coke money, I’ve heard about every tidbit of information about the movie (fuck you Perez Hilton!). From the dresses, to the plot line, rumored endings, theatrical trailer, big screen release, etc. and it has all accumulated to today.
There is a weird vibe in the office today, like the time someone found a used condom in the storage room. Some have purposefully taken the day off, some are mysteriously out “sick”, and some are so giddy for this evening’s girls’ night out (cosmos with dinner, 9 o’clock showing, then to some trendy bar/club, followed by drunken causal sex) that doing actual work today is simply unrealistic.
Any hetero dude caught going to this film needs to have some serious time to reflect. Even if your excuse is that your girlfriend made you go, you need to come to terms with the fact that your girlfriend obviously has no friends herself and that is a bad sign. I’m sure there was an episode about this at some point during the six agonizing seasons that she probably made you watch the past two months to get ready for the release of the movie.
So, I ask the question that all women will be inquiring about today: Are you a Carrie, Samantha, Miranda or Charlotte? If you ask me, you can just call me Mr. Big.
It’s Friday and I am feeling lazy. So I am going to give you some lists and hot chicks. Every man loves lists and hot chicks, it’s a fact. Oh, and Clay Aiken has sperm that works apparently. Sweet.
Are proper ski masks that hard to find? These guys are in Colorado for Christs sake. Off the top of my head I can think of about 20 things I would choose to cover my face in an armed robbery before I settled on ladies thong underwear. Why the fuck would you choose the one piece of clothing that has the least amount of actual cloth in it?
Of course I am just working on the assumption that those are ladies thong underwear. Maybe they were conveniently handy because they are actually male thong underwear and these two like to prance around the house in them. Wait, that can’t be it. Male thongs only come in leopard print, right? At least all the thongs I have ever purchased have been leopard print.
This guy had a clever idea to get by the gate. It’s really too bad he was so busy admiring his handi-work that he failed to notice the 10-inches hanging out right under his chin. Back kick is a bitch.
In an attempt to (re)mix up their fall fashions like it was 1993, Sears has partnered with the rap legend LL Cool J to produce a fall line of clothes targeting children, teen girls and suburban white teenagers young men.
USA Today reported this earlier in the week and I learned two things from the article: LL Cool J has an album coming out in June and Sears sells clothes. Weird.
Anyway, my prediction for the LL Cool J (Ladies Love Cool James, for those of you who didn’t know) line of clothes is that they’ll progress about the same way his career has:
1. Clothing line will be named with a similar format: MWW Cool H (Must Wear With Cool Hats)
2. Initial season of clothes will be bangin’, so much so that your mama will knock you out.
3. Clothing line will be challenged by a rival line, made entirely of Hemp. MWW Cool H will prevail and spark a brief up-turn in sales.
4. Product placement in shows on the CW and over-hyped movies will diminish street cred of clothing line.
5. Sears claims MWW Cool H “greatest clothing line of all-time,” despite common sense.
6. MWW Cool H hopes for retro revival due to overstocking of clothing line at Goodwill/Savers.
7. In a counter move, Target and Wal-Mart… oh wait, they didn’t know Sears sold clothes either. Nevermind.
The candle game is something that we men generally leave to the ladies. Hotwicks is looking to change that up with scented candles that any man can enjoy. Don’t believe me? Well let’s run down a few of their scents. They’ve got coffee, campfire, beer, urinal cake and stripper just to name a few. Don’t limit yourself to burning only one at a time. These are like of those milkshake shops that has 50 flavors you can mix and match. Spark a few up to re-create just the aroma you are looking for. Down below are a couple of suggestions.
Want to remember what your Vegas hotel room smelled like after that weekend bachelor party? Maybe go with a Beer + Stripper + Hippie combo.
Maybe it is the middle of March are you longing for the scents of a glorious Cougar Football Saturday. Then you could run with a Beer + Grass + Pigskin combination.
Maybe you are feeling nostalgic and you are looking for the smell of the old fraternity. In that case Beer + Hippie + Urinal Cake would probably take you right back.
Why is it that the short work weeks always seem to take forever? Today College Humor rolls out another cute college girl, Gemma Atkinson looks good on the beach, one of the Real World chicks is smokin’ hot and you can officially start cranking it at work.
What do you think of when you look at this picture of Rachael Ray? Are you thinking, “She’s pretty hot when I don’t have to hear her yapping” or “What a lovely idea, walking through cherry blossoms and enjoying an iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts.” Well, some people have gone a totally abstract way and thought this online advertisement promoted terrorism. Yeah, the third option was, “It looks like someone Photoshopped Rachael Ray into one of Osama Bin Laden’s videos and stuck a Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee in her hands!”
Dunkin’ Donuts received complaints that the “fringed black-and-white scarf that the celebrity chef wore in the ad offers symbolic support for Muslim extremism and terrorism.” In response, the folks at police officer’s favorite hangouts decided to pull the ad stating, “the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.” I personally think they do a better job of promoting cherry blossoms, but that’s just me.
It’s official, Step Brothers looks fucking hoolarious. This is the first trailer I have seen for the movie and it had me laughing so hard at my desk I was crying. I was doing that laugh where you try to hold it in but it doesn’t work and you end up just spitting on your monitor. It makes things awkward because all three people in my general vicinity poke their heads up and ask if I am reading a funny email. Ahhh, if the poor bastards only knew.
NOTE: Be sure to use your headphones if you are at the office. The clip is only two and half minutes long but they squeeze in about 10 f-bombs.
NOTE 2: Apparently Sony Pictures made some kind of “copyright claim” and YouTube pulled the video. I am sure the internet will prevail and I will try to find it somewhere else and update the post.
NOTE 3: As I predicted the internet has prevailed.
They aren’t talking about some kid that went crazy in the meat department. This little 15 year old bastard has been on an ass biting spree at his local Wal-Mart for almost a year. Police have complaints from at least 10 women and expect more to come forward now that the reign of terror is over.
The ass master was in the Wal-Mart, probably gloating over past ass bites and looking for fresh meat, when a victim recognized him walking with relatives and reported it.
The specifically use “relatives” in the story which makes me think it must have been grandparents. Would there be anything worse than your grandma finding out that instead of checking out G.I. Joes like you said you were actually over in the Young Miss section biting asses?
