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The 10 Unmanliest Drinks In The World

by Mitch Martin on May 1, 2008

A couple of weeks ago Holy Taco put together a list of the 11 manliest cocktails in the world. We thought we would take it the other way and put together a list of the ten drinks you shouldn’t be caught dead with. Whether you are out with the boys or trying to scam on some ladies there is no excuse to be sipping anyone of these unmanly drinks.

Wine Spritzer - First off what the fuck is a spritzer? Secondly why would any man that has a pair be caught dead with one?

Apple-tini - If you are man and you are holding a martini glass the liquid inside better be clear or brown not neon fuck green. Basically you shouldn’t drink anything that has a “-tini” in the drink name. Apple-tini, Choco-tini, etc.

Blow Job Shot - This is a classic shot of choice for bachelorette parties and girls-night-out activities. If a man is caught taking one of these shots, it either means that he has lost a bet, gay, or in the process of a sex-change.

Vodka w/ Cranberry Juice - “It’s a natural diuretic. My girlfriend drinks it when she’s got her period. What, do you got your period?” –The Departed

Mike’s Hard Anything - There is nothing hard about any of these drinks, they are fruit flavored sugar bombs. Just because they sell them at sporting events doesn’t make them acceptable.

Water - If you need a break then man up and drink a Bud Light like everybody else.

Michelob Ultra - There is no such thing as a beer that goes with working out. If you are going to drink a beer, drink a fucking beer and don’t be a goddamn sissy.

Anything with Diet Coke - I don’t care if you are mixing it with rum or JD, there is nothing manly about announcing to the entire bar that you are watching your calorie intake.

Zima w/ Jolly Rancher - This was the favorite drink of the high school chicks back in my day. Enough said.

Cosmopolitan - a good rule is that if the ladies on Sex and the City drink it there is no excuse for you to have it in your hand.

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Mr. Wonka

what if you're name is actually Mike, and you buy the drink as part of an elaborate pick-up routine? ("Want to see a real Mike's Hard etc.")

Lexington Steele

Well said Mitch. Just to clarify though, did I see you drinking Michelob Ultra's at the wedding last night? Maybe that's why you were only able to make it to .15, bitch.

Mitch Martin

@Lexington

Nice try, jackass. I was sucking down IPAs all night.

Only a true mountebank would put a drink on an unmanliest drinks list and then drink it two nights later.

Dickard

Can you please add to that list the new Bud Light with artificial Lime flavor? Don't let the name fool ya, it's a cooler.

Mac G

How about all things Pucker? Apple, Watermelon, etc.

In my bartending days, we had a policy that no man could order any pucker shots.

just check out their website? Enuff Said

http://www.dekuyperusa.com/Pucker.aspx

Mac G

I want to add those Miller Chills to the list.

My buddy left them in my fridge for our fantasy football draft and just last month, I was finally able to pawn the last one off on someone.

??????????????

great list, but Pucker is really missing )

jason

great post. I feel more like a man when I look at Megan Fox's bare boobies:
http://www.derober.com/2008/05/12/megan-foxs-bo...

lex

i drink all of these and can still kick your ass. how about that

conni

You missed the Pink Lady

drinks what he drinks

you're out of your minds. some of the drinks on there kick ass (although you're dead on about blowjob shots). besides, if you had a pair, you wouldn't be so worried about what people thought about your drink, and maybe a little more concerned with your overly obvious attempts to appear more manly than you really are. succeed at scoring with that hot chick at the end of the bar and you won't have to worry about what drink you're holding...pansies.

enlighten

Th most un-manly drink is the "Shirley Temple".

j

This is the most retarded article I have ever read.

3lvi5

That's... that is just silly. Bud Light? Damn, that's one of the worst beer in the world - rated by professionals at RateBeer.com - check it. Yep, Bud Light REALLY IS for sissies. You can drink 18-20 bottles of it and it won't even make You pee, that's embarrasing and sad. European and African beers rock, lads, these are for real men. Ergo - that rating is made by a "real man" who drinks water with a bit of pee color added to it and calls it a "beer".

Steve

What an insecure article.

JF

Yawn.. Girl drinks.. boy drinks.. In what world do you live? I drink Champagne with Crème Cassis.
Santé.

Nick

I have to repeat previous posters; if you really have a pair you wont have to worry about what you are drinking. In fact it shows you have a real pair of them if you choose to drink anything of the above while not making a fuzz about it.

Also, having a glass of water in between every two or three of your drinks also shows you have the brains to complement your balls.

You go on with your manly manliness of tequila shots and what have you and we'll go on humoring the ladies.

/me drinking a glass of cold milk right now and enjoying it.

See YOUnextTUESDAY

All you Americans drink gay drinks all the time. Bourbon or moonshine are the only American drinks that aren't weak as gnats' piss. Even those, you drink like jobbie-jabbing arse-fairies.

Bud Light instead of water? It's weaker than water you brown-tunnelling benders.

Says a lot when the most renowned drinkers in America are the hideous crones from Sex and the City....

CraigTorso

For all this macho bluster surely real manly men don't know what the girls from Sex in the City drink in the first place

Alex

The list is blindingly obvious it's like saying driving a pink car is a bit 'unmanly', everyone knows it already. The only one I disagree with is having diet coke as a mixer, not a big deal.

Matek

You fucked up the Spritzer thing - it's basically just white wine with mineral water. The result is something with as much alcohol as beer, really good for quenching thirst. It's quite popular here in Central Europe and mostly popular with men, I don't remember seeing a girl drink it.

norsevoodoo

so i am not manly if i drink water?

hmmm.....lemme see, the world wont have many men then...

looks like someone needs to get a life.

H2O

WTF...Water? Seriously?

Darren Steele

jobby-jabbing-arse-fairies - brilliant - I nearly crapped in my pants with laughter.

American pussies would rather contract anal syphilis than drink proper beer

tonje

the worlds most unmanly drink is malibu & pineapple.
I even know a guy who drinks it..... wtf?

Mark

I know it's not manly, but if your in a hurry, diet coke can actualy be usefull. If you swap normal coke for diet coke, you get 60% more alcohol into your blood stream, something to do with lack of suger in diet coke.

stillboy

@Darren Steele - ANAL syphilis eh? whatever kind of pussy you are is obviously not familiar with the words that are coming out of his mouth. Maybe you meant contract syphilis anally? or maybe you where differentiating from the much more common foot and knee syphilis?

Bud is Irish for Penis

Theres nothing manly about Budweiser either, its a dense amount of preservative chemicals and a low alcohol content, its an alcopop that badly resembles beer, try a decent export from Belgium or Germany.

Fred Poo

If water isn't manly, then I'm happily riding the gay train to fagtown.

@Darren: spoken like a true asshole.

BigJR

I don't care what my drink looks like to others.
If anyone has a problem with what i'm drinking they can kiss my hairy ass.

??????? ????????

There is no vodka in that The Departed scene.
Let me refresh your memory about what happens:

Billy Costigan: [to the bartender] Cranberry juice.
Man Glassed in Bar: It's a natural diuretic. My girlfriend drinks it when she's got her period. What, do you got your period?
[Billy grabs an empty glass and smashes it onto the man's head.]

So obviously it's the tough guys who drink cranberry juice. And here in Europe, real men also drink vodka. It's a great combo for when you've had too many real beers.

So you got it all wrong, you piss-gargling idiot. There is also something very homo about you wanting to impress the guys with your manlyness.
Americans shouldn't talk about booze at all.

name

I'm a woman, and I'm going to have to disagree with number 6. Water is a total turn on for me. I'd sit next to any guy drinking a glass of tap water.

teebo

yea all those people in the 3rd world that are dying of dehydration have effectively forfeited their manliness...... douchebags.

Dan

Drinks mixed with diet coke are actually stronger, because the sugar breaks down some of the alcohol, while substitutes have no effect.

ang

What about fuzzy navels?

Al Boosh

Dude, are you that insecure about your "manliness" that you have to put together a list? BTW--it should be Water over Bud light. I just discovered adding a little mineral water to my favorite Scotch Whiskey really makes a difference. Those Scotts know their stuff. Who woulda thunk it?

David

You forgot the unmanliest drink of all time that I once got my mate to drink, the sidecar! Beat that!

Mojitos are another one that is unmanlier than anything else on that list.

If you see someone drinking water you know they must be hard because they've cained it so much all night they don't give a rats ass who's looking, they just need rehydration.

Jjjjjjjjjjj

I'd have to faithfully disagree with at least a couple of these. Namely "Anything with Diet Coke". I'd rather watch my calorie intake than have the biggest man tits at the bar. Nothing says unmanly more than jiggling man tits. Being manly doesn't mean you can't watch calories or care about carb intake. What manly list are you going to make up next, best places to punch your wife without it showing up to other people?

Jjjjjjjjjjj

"Bud Light instead of water? It’s weaker than water you brown-tunnelling benders."

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

You must be one of those tough Europeans, you know the type that spend their whole life boozing and fighting with one another. That's what I want to be when I grow up. A white trash alcoholic with an anger problem. But your a man, man, mannnnnnnnn.

Real man

LAME. Being a "real man" is not giving a flying fuck what people think about what you drink. Are you really that insecure? Shame...

Awkward Summer

I am going to take this list serious and have a serious opinion about both the order and the content. I am going to post that opinion because I am correct. Many other opinions are foolish.

none

water is not manly? Well neither is getting so dehydrated from drinking alcohol that you can't adequately perform later on in the evening. Anyone who would take this list seriously is a sad person.

also, aren't cosmos cranberry/vodka?

lolza

fail :D

lolza

oh yeah go watch sex and the city

Susan

The funny thing is these "girly drinks" have more alcohol than "manly drinks". Call me crazy, but a real man would want to drink something more alcoholic. Makes me think that Mitch can't handle his alcohol.

sab0tage

As an Englishman, I would rather drink water than an American Lager, especially Bud. If I was desperate, I would piss in a bottle and drink that before Bud.

D#

Yeah. Don't dring water because it is not cool enough. I think it is called Darwinism in action.

You are dumb

Please shut up and drink a good beer. All you Euro idiots think that the US has only terrible beer, but you seem to forget all the bullshit lager you produce. True, your mass market stuff might be better then Bud, but you can't even come close to competing with our microbrews. Now go suck a dick with your bad teeth.

hans

bud light is the nastiest beer i've ever had. tastes exactly what i imagine piss would taste. if you're concerned your calories AND your manliness, go for an irish cream beer like guiness. They contain less calories that bud light, and are way manlier, and tastes way better.

pg

I couldn't disagree more on the Diet Coke entry. I take it that you must be unmanly if you need to use diet sodas as mixers due to the fact that you are a diabetic. Yeah, drinking sugar like an idiot would make perfect manly sense therem don'tcha think ?

Craigslist

I'm not gay, I swear!

Jjjjjjjjjjj

"If I was desperate, I would piss in a bottle and drink that before Bud."

Yeah, drink your own piss before Bud. That's manly.

nick

at least mike's makes funny commercials!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUNalV4ughc

EarlOfLade

Meh... It got alcohol in it? I'll drink it!
if you are a man, you know there is no such thing as man-drinks or female-drinks, it's only a problem when you are not certain of your own sexuality.

Phlee

I have to agree with Jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj with their comment of number 42 i believe it was... This is just another way to hide their alcoholism... Plus if men didn't have NASCAR to hide their alcoholism... then they would be trying to find places to beat their wifes in places so they wouldn't get hauled off to jail. This list is another lame excuse for men to hide their lack of testosterone. I proudly sport the "Bitch Beers" in my fridge, and if you have a problem with that, i will be the less of the two drunk people beating your ass because you don't have the wits or the balance to stand on your own two damn feet.

Hypoglycemic

Diet drinks aren't always for calorie watchers you douche. Some of us are hypoglycemic or diabetic and would like to get our drink on without dying right away...No sugar means Diet Coke...Nice research you did. Where's the Lemon Drop? Where's the Mojito? Where's the Corona with Lime?

Jamfris

Having half a pint it's not manly either... you have to bring a dr. certificate if you want to escape shame at a pub...

Mitch

Anything with diet ehh...How bout if you are a diabetic. Idiot

TG

If you won't touch any of the drinks on this list just because you're afraid that it will make you look "unmanly", you're pathetically insecure. Don't let anyone --much less some anonymous geek with a blog-- dictate your tastes!

Hoasuby

?????????? ?????????? ??? Wordpress 2.6.2, ????? ??? ????? ?? ??? tastybooze.com.

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Beer

I'd rather eat my own shit then drink bud light or coors light. Fuckin nasty.

pame stoixima gr

Anything with Diet Coke xaxaxaxaxaxaxaxa

Ed

I spent a good few years working at a store selling booze, and that actually means nothing.

Any hard alcohol with ice or mixer.

Real men drink straight from the bottle if it's whiskey and from a glass if it's cognac. No ice is ever added. Ice melts and sissifies the drink.

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