The deeply penetrated folks at Good Vibrations sex toy company in San Francisco have declared today National Masturbation Day. This occasion marks the climax of National Masturbation Month, which is apparently May.

My personal jerk-month is generally in the depths of winter when I am depressed and full of self loathing and there is nothing to do except watch the Matrix, eat Taquitos, and violate my person.

On Sunday, Good Vibes held a Masturbate-A-Thon where about 100 people from all over the country assembled and pleasured themselves for charity. Each participant asked for donations based on how long they were able to ying their yang. Before you rush to the Greyhound station and buy a one way ticket to next year’s wankfest, realize this:

Not one attractive female will be in attendance. Hot women never go to things like this. Remember watching Real Sex on HBO as a kid and they’d feature some orgy in the forest? What kind of chick showed up to those? Saggy, old, fucking married hippies! Yes, please let me watch 50 flower children touch themselves while they get fondled by their ponytailed and equally saggy-titted dudes.

I suggest you save yourself some time and Usher your Lil Jon in the privacy of your own home on this most deserved of holidays. You actually have an excuse this time.