You pissed away all your money in Danish bars which means you don’t have any left to pay for a ferry ride home to your nice warm bed that lies across one of the world’s busiest shipping lanes. What do you do?
I forgot to mention that you are also 78 years young. Well like any boozed up asshole looking to get home on the cheap this Swede got creative. He stole a rowboat and began rowing across the 4 kilometer (2.48 miles) wide shipping channel. Like all drunks at the end of a bender the Swede got tired and decided to pass out in the boat hoping that the current would carry him the rest of the way to Sweden. The Danish Coast Guard ended up picking up the boozehound after it received several reports of an empty dinghy floating in the busy shipping lane.
Drunks never cease to amaze me. I have seen some people do some pretty crazy shit but trying to row across 2.5 miles of water regardless of whether or not it’s a shipping lane is pretty crazy. I am not sure I could row that far stone cold sober let alone blitzed. Maybe I should hop on the rowing machine at the gym tonight and see if I can pull it off.
This is how you pick up chicks. I can’t honestly believe there’s someone out there who would do this. I hope Dimitri has got a chance to hear himself on the internet. Maybe he’ll realize he’s earned the dubious honor of Douche Bag of the Week at Tasty Booze.
Today in the links Cindy Margolis promotes her nudity, a couple of girls do some boob punching, spy shots of Megan Fox on the Transformers 2 set and Maria Sharapova from the good old days.
Neatorama has a great list of the top 10 most ridiculous anti-terroism patents. Some of them, like the Biohazard Suit with Built-In Toilet, just boggle the mind. What kind of ass clown thinks that adding a built-in toilet to a bio-hazard suit is going to do anyone any good. If you are afraid of chemical or biological weapons chances are you are going to have shit yourself long before you managed to get the suit on.
One of my favorites is U.S. Patent 6844817, Aircraft anti-terrorism security system, by Wolfgang Gleine. Issued Jan 18, 2005.
The only thing this brilliant invention is missing is sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their foreheads. If this trap door opened up and just dropped the would be terrorists out of the bottom of the plane I might be able to get behind it but without that is just becomes a rumpus room for the captain that gets stage fright in the cockpit or a flying drunk tank depending on the flight.
How many points do you get for writing “Fuck Off” on your English exam? If you are in the U.K. apparently you get two points.
“It would be wicked to give it zero, because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for - like conveying some meaning and and some spelling,” examiner Peter Buckroyd told the Times.
Right, because you wouldn’t want to upset the precious snowflake that told you to “Fuck Off”. Mr. Buckroyd went on to say that this star pupil could have possibly scored three points with the answer if he would have added an exclamation point. The answer was written in response to the question, “Describe the room you’re sitting in.”
Well I spend all winter bitching and moaning about the shit box rainy weather in Seattle now I am going to start bitching how hot my house is now that it’s sunny out. Either way here Stephanie here whose claim to fame is appearing on Big Brother in the U.K. is smokin’ hot.
Monday morning means more on the Verne Troyer sextape, a ball girl that puts Manny Ramirez to shame, the best of drunk shamings, and a couple of hotty’s. And if that’s not enough, remember that the 4th of July is this weekend, which means its OK to drink obsessively on Thursday night.
Now that is the kind of movie review headline that is going to get me off my ass and to the movie theater. I have been interested in Wanted ever since I saw the first preview but I was on the fence as to whether or not I would actually see it in the theater. I think this review pretty much sealed the deal that the money is going to have to be spent. I don’t want to spoil the whole review so here is just a small bit.
What do you get when you combine the sultriest pair of hips and lips in Hollywood, seemingly tethered together only by body art; blood splatters that course with viscous glee; enough cold, hard steel to resurrect Heston; bullets that curve; joyous holes in the head; and a hot, slathering mess of McAvoy? You get Wanted, a movie you want to take behind the middle school and impregnate. With twins.
No lighter is worth getting stuck for two hours in a 30 cm (11.8 inches) hole. This drunk chump who refused to be identified tried to drop into the hole feet first to get the lighter that he dropped and ended getting stuck at the armpits. Firefighters ended up having to strap a harness around his dumbass and winch him out of the hole.
Even though Microsoft has given Gates so much, and will probably continue to go about its ways by ruling the software industry with an iron fist, wouldn’t it be funny to see Gates go out with a nice “Fuck You” to his fellow Microsofties? I’m not talking about a debilitating software crisis like Y2K, but maybe just some small inconvenience virus. Just something that’s going to remind everyone who’s top dog. Like every time someone types “B” it auto-fills with “Bill” and “G” auto-fills with “Gates.” You gates the idea.
We will always remember, and thank, Gates for giving us the headache that is PowerPoint. I hate that damn program!
Check out Lupe Fiasco’s “Outty 5000” from the Revenge of the Nerds Mixtape.
On this fine Friday we have Brooke Hogan in Maxim, tips on how to get a girl to flash you, John Daly uses a tall boy as a golf tee and the top 10 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covers.
A 42-year-old Spokane, Wash., man accidentally shot himself in the face yesterday. The man, who was hanging out with his friends and throwing back a couple drinks, was playing around with the gun when a member of the group expressed concern about the firearm being toyed with. In an attempt to prove the gun was unloaded, the man pointed the gun at his face and pulled the trigger. He is now in critical condition at a local hospital.
Words cannot describe the stupidity involved here.
Just another friendly TastyBooze reminder for the weekend, if you’re going to play with guns this weekend, making it the water variety.
Step 1: Make sex tape. Step 2: Leak sex tape. Step 3: Sue TMZ.com for $20 million for publishing sex tape referenced in Step 1.
(Cue ridiculously long evil laugh)
With steps one and two complete Troyer moved on to step three yesterday and filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in downtown L.A. against TMZ and Kevin Blatt for releasing his sex tape that no one actually wants to watch. Ironically Mr. Blatt is also the evil genius that distributed Paris Hilton’s most popular movie “One Night in Paris.” Everyone has to have a dream in life but at what point do you sit back and say “I am going to corner the market on celebrity sex tapes.”
I know that Verne is probably a little upset that The Love Guru bombed but I think he made a rash decision here. I mean how are you going to convince anyone that you deserve $20 million for something that nobody wants to watch in the first place?
Look at the big balls on Calvin! Ultimately those big balls are what got Calvin busted.
Once I stopped laughing, he was pretty easy to catch because he was tripping on the lower portion of the costume,” said Briscoe, who made the arrest.
That is Calvin Morett, 19, streaking the Saratoga Springs High School graduation ceremony in a giant dick suit. I think it’s hilarious but there is something a little sad and creepy about going back to your high school the year after you have graduated and running around in a dick suit. Looks like Calvin is laying a solid foundation to be weird guy that hangs out with high school kids and buys them beer when he is 21.
