I’m sure many of you out there are perfectly well- behaved when you go out to eat. However, many of you jerks are not, so here is a list of what you’re doing to piss off the person serving you.
1. You ask stupid questions.
If you can’t be bothered to read the goddamn menu before you ask inane questions that could easily be answered by a 3 second glance at that big card in front of your face, your server is not going to be happy with you.
2. You take too long.
Instead of immediately commencing the yappity-yap with the same people you’re going to be sitting with for the next hour, take a moment to figure out what the hell you want to eat. And once you’re done, and you’ve paid your bill, if you sit at your table for another hour, guess what you’ve become? A big fat farting roadblock for new customers to get into your server’s section. You eat, you pay, you leave. You can always talk about goddamn American Idol in the parking lot.
3. You get drunk and act like a jerk.
Servers don’t really care that much if you’re a little drunk, but you have to remember this simple equation. How nice you are to your server (and how much you tip) needs to increase at a rate that is directly proportionate to how drunk you are. If you’re getting sloshed, be nice and tip well, and you’ll be okay.
4. You need to modify everything you order.
Listen Meg Ryan, unless you have like 15 different allergies, there is no need to make a bunch of changes to the item you order. You want a salad instead of fries with your burger? OK princess, we can make that happen. But that’s it. You get one modification per meal. And if you even think about asking for a little taste of each dessert instead of one, you’re going to get brained with a pepper mill.
5. You pay with 8 different debit cards.
Look, you assholes are eating together, I can assume you all know each other. And I count 5 of you. So that means if you foresee going out to eat 4 MORE GODDAMN TIMES in your life, then you can just do a little round robin, and each pay for the entire meal once. And if you say, “But Jimmy might not come to the next meal because he has a new account at work and sometimes he works late and–” Well then Jimmy owes you a couple drinks when he meets up after dinner! Just handle it! Why don’t any of you carry cash anyway? Christ almighty.
6. You don’t finish your food.
What, you forgot you were competing in a triathlon that starts in an hour before you bought that T-Bone? Man up and finish your goddamn food. If you don’t finish it, either you’re gonna ask for a pansy doggy bag, which takes up the server’s time, or you’ll leave it and they have to scrape your shit off in the kitchen. Eat your food, there are starving kids in China and you’re an asshole.
7. You tip like a jerk.
We all know what amount we’re supposed to tip. Unless the booth you’re sitting in just transported you back to good ol’ 1925, or you are from Russia, the standard tip is 15%. If you tip less than that, your server better have really sucked. And you better be goddamn sure that whatever piddly thing that went wrong was actually the server’s fault. Which brings us to the next point…
8. You think your server cooks your food and owns the restaurant.
If you order your steak well done, and it comes out rare, there are two possibilities: either the server didn’t communicate it properly, or the cook screwed up. Here’s a little inside info for you. 95% of the time, THE COOK SCREWED UP. And don’t even get me started on the idiotic things that people complain to their server about. Parking here sucks? Are you kidding? Guess who has to try to find a spot here 5 days a week, Columbo? There is no choice parking spot in back with a sign in front that says, “Whatever college student is working for minimum wage this evening, park here for free!”
9. You think you own the restaurant.
Stop moving tables and chairs around without asking! It’s not a big deal in a bar, but in a restaurant, guess what? When you take one chair away from a two person table, it becomes a one person table. So unless your loser dad is coming to eat alone again tonight, you’ve just screwed your server out of yet another table in their section. You don’t own the place, just ask before you do things.
10. You snap your goddamn fingers to get your server’s attention.
No funny joke here. Just don’t do it unless you like mucus in your food. I’m not saying, I’m just saying. You feel me?
Honorable Mention:
You dine and dash.
Your server is a just as motivated to catch you as you’re motivated to get away. Except they aren’t laden down with 8 onion rings and an entree in their belly. And guess what? When they catch you, their going to beat their $30 out of you. And if you don’t have it, they’re going to beat the Chicken Marsala right out of your stomach instead. Have a nice evening.
