It’s always great to crack open the Tasty Booze mailbox and find stories of debauchery sent in by readers. After reading this one I was surprised to see that in came in at 12:40 a.m. After the night this poor bastard had I would’ve figured he would be using one hand to run YouPorn and one hand to run something else.
Subject Line: a slice of hell
gentlemen, tonight i experienced a small bit of hell. i brought a young woman back to my apartment from a local drinking establishment in the hopes of imbibing a certain pungent herb with her as well as enjoying the obligatory fornication thereafter. so we go up to the roof (mind you, we had already made out several times in the evening and drinking wine, alone, with a view of the middle of downtown over looking the river/skyline, therefore i should definitely at least score some fellatio out of this, right?) i help her drunken ass get there while carrying a doobie, a cigarette and a lighter. when we get up there, we lie down in a chaise lounge with her in my lap. we light the doob-dob-dobber and commence imbibing, but after a few hits for each of us the j loses its cherry because drunky mcwhoreinstein has fallen asleep on my lap. and in doing so, has dropped the lighter under the chair. so here i am, with half a perfectly good doob in one hand, a cigarette in the other, complete with a drunken hot chick’s face in my crotch, but the lighter’s on the ground and the bitch is asleep. for what seemed like a lifetime i tried to either wake the bitch or contort my body enough to reach the lighter. but she is way too drunk to move and i am far too fat to reach the fucking thing. i still am not sure how long it was before i almost fell out of the chair trying to reach the lighter and thus woke her up, whereupon she immediately requested to go to my bed, where she is now sleeping fully clothed and with apparently no intentions of obliging me with some fornication (trust me, I seriously tried). anyway, i may not be winning, but gd damnit, i’m leaving everything out on the field.
-don drunko fattarini from new orleans, la
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