Oktoberfest is the Pinnacle of Human Creation

I’m not talking about that makeshift crapfest that your neighborhood bar put together as a promotion. I’m talking about the real deal. Munich, Germany. EIGHTEEN DAYS of beer, girls and shenanigans that is unrivaled in all the world. Philosophically, one could argue that the human race is still evolving, that we have not yet reached our cultural peak. But for my money, Oktoberfest is as good as it will ever get, and here’s why…

1. BEER

Nowhere in the world is there so much beer at one place at one time. Last year, they served almost 7 million liters of beer. Since you’re probably used to measuring beers in pints, that’s a little less than 15 million pints of beer. But you know what? Forget about pints, because at Oktoberfest, they serve beers in a huge glass called a “Maß” (pronouned like “mas” in Spanish) which holds an entire liter of beer. Seriously, it’s fucking amazing.
But wait, you say! With all that beer, there must be stringent regulations on the amount served, level of intoxication, etc. Well, no. The only way to get cut off at Oktoberfest is if you start a fight with someone, grab your waitress, or literally pass out. I honestly saw someone interrupt his beer order to throw up in the dirt under his table, then go right back to ordering more beer. And it came 5 minutes later, along with a dude with a shovel full of sawdust to throw under the table. To be fair, we were sitting outside. Inside, they might have relocated him to a table outside as they served him another one.

2. CLEAVAGE

Have you ever heard of a “dirndl“? Maybe not, but you sure as hell have seen one. The lady in the picture to the left is wearing one, and they are truly an amazing fashion creation. Basically, it’s a cute dress with a tight fitting bodice that pushes the breasts up while simultaneously squeezing them together, much like most men do during sex. Virtually every local girl at Oktoberfest is wearing one, and a great deal of the visitors as well. And it’s glorious!
And as we know from our research here at TastyBooze, really phenomenal cleavage can break down even the most imposing levels of heterosexuality in women. Add to this the ridiculous amounts of beer and alcohol, and you get a lot of girls kissing each other. Even besides this, the sheer size of the beer glasses requires enough concentration on the girl’s part, that without being a ninja, you can easily sneak a peak and appreciate the dirndl’s awesomeness. Like captain obvious in the pic below…

3. FOOD

There is food everywhere at Oktoberfest, and it’s all fatty and it’s all delicious. It’s just what you need before you lean headfirst into a serious day of drinking, and it’s really what you need the next day to get you somewhat recovered so you can do it all again. Look at the photo below and tell me that’s not what you want to see in front of you right now.
There is a lot of sausage, of course, but there’s also delicious roast chicken everywhere, a cheese noodle dish called “käsespätzle” (after you try it once, it will be the one thing you crave the most for the rest of your life when you’re hungover), and lots of desserts and pretzels. There’s also plenty of different stuff, from Chinese food to Hamburgers, but really? You’re in Germany, do it right.

4. RIDES

I know what you’re thinking. Rides? Yes, Oktoberfest has a shitload of roller coasters and weird, spinning contraptions that make you seriously question the laxness of European safety regulations. They are fun after a couple beers, and quite useful if you’re feeling way too full and need to make room for round two in the beer tent. They even have a ride that is like the Gravitron, except it doesn’t quite go fast enough, there are no straps, and everyone is drunk. It is as hilarious and dangerous as it sounds, and my ankle still clicks when I walk.

5. FUN

There is nothing in the world like Oktoberfest for sheer, unadulterated fun. The beer is delicious, strong, and readily available. There are thousands of people all around you drinking, singing, and laughing. There are cute girls everywhere, and everyone is having a great time.

And it’s not even that expensive! A “Maß” will cost you maybe 7 bucks (remember, that’s for over 2 pints of strong German beer), food is not all that expensive, and there aren’t all that many entrance fees or anything like that. It’s hard to really spend even $100 in a whole day at Oktoberfest.

You spent that much last Friday night hitting on girls in the same lame downtown club that you always go to, didn’t you? And I bet that not one of those ladies was wearing a dirndl or was drinking a beer large enough for Mini-Me to swim laps in.

Seriously. Buy a ticket, and I’ll see you there this year.