It’s that time of year when people start trotting out their New Year’s resolutions which generally involve grandiose schemes to change their life. I don’t believe in resolutions because 99% of the time people are just setting themselves up for failure. If you haven’t been to the gym in months you’re not doing yourself any good by saying that on January 3rd you’re going to start going 5 days a week. Sure you might last a week or two but pretty soon your ass is going to be back on the couch. I believe in setting realistic attainable goals like maybe you’ll start going to the gym 2 days a week and will work up to the 5 days a week. With that in mind I’ve created my drinking goals for 2009. Some will be harder to complete than others but they are all clearly defined goals that I can drink work towards and the new year progresses.
Open and close a bar
I’m not talking about stopping in for a cheery morning pint before work and then stopping back by for a night cap. I’m talking about being the first person to belly-up in the morning and being the last one the bartender asks to leave. This is the kind of thing that really tests a drinker’s mettle and it’s all about pacing yourself. A seat at the end of the bar is key so that you can pass day watching your fellow patrons go by.
Send a nice bottle of booze to a buddy
Sure the economy might be in the shitter but everyone loves free booze and I can scrounge up some extra coin to make a friend smile. Just a nice bottle of booze with a card that says, “Tonight the buzz is on me.”
Become a regular somewhere
Generally becoming a “regular” involves a lot of drinking and a lot of tips. That means that the optimum bar to gain “regular” status at is one close to home. The two bars within walking distance of my home are located in chain restaurants and those don’t count. I’m going to have hop in my horseless carriage, find a local dive and start making some friends.
Buy a bottle of Jade Verte Suisse 65 Absinthe
This isn’t about hallucinations of trying to reach my inner Hemingway or Van Gogh. It’s about getting a nice bottle of booze that has to be sent from Europe and then sharing it with friends so that everyone can say they’ve had a true absinthe experience.
Fully stock a home bar
Most of us only make a trip to the liquor store to pick up a bottle when you plan on consuming said bottle within 24 to 48 hours. This year I’m going to change my game up and build out a bar. I want to bring back the 5 o’clock cocktail hour. If I pick up a couple of bottles a month I should be fully stocked by summer.
Split a magnum of champagne with my lady friend
And it’s got to be a surprise. No other act will make you look more romantic while allowing you to catch a healthy buzz at the same time. Make it something nice without breaking the bank. Heading out and buying “a whole bunch of Mum’s” isn’t going to have the same romantic effect.
Sit in on an A.A. meeting
Not only is it important to see how the other side lives but it’s important to see where you might be if things get out of hand. All it takes a divorce, a bad investment or even a death to send even the most balanced of us over the edge. It’s important to conquer fears and realize a safety net is there should the day ever come that you need it.
Watch the movie Barfly
I’ve heard from several sources that this is the end-all-be-all of drinking/drinker movies and one of Mickey Rourke’s finest performances to boot. I think it’s time I put my Netflix subscription to use, bought a bottle of whisky and invited a few buddies over to check it out.
Complete a pub crawl
I’m going to add my own caveat to this one, that being that the pub crawl won’t be an official crawl unless it spans eight locations. This kind of thing is best attempted during the summer months and much like the open to close this is all about pacing your self. You don’t want to start out balls to the wall and end up drinking water at your final stop.
Go on a drunken camping trip
Few things mix like dudes, the outdoors, beer and permission to play with fire. I’m not an avid camper but there is nothing better than spending a weekend outdoors with your buddies getting pissed. If you can plan your camping near a river that is good for floating you’ll be about as close to man-utopia as you can come.
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First, I want to wish you a Happy New Year. Hope 2009 is a lot better for everyone than 2008.
But, seriously, testing your ‘metal’? Testing what, exactly, your steel? Iron? Oh, you mean “mettle”.
Dude, it’s called a dictionary. There are online versions. If you’re going to write a clever, read-by-millions blog, do it correctly (or hire me!)
Drink way too much and take a taxi home!
Happy New Year!
For the drunken camping trip you need a bottle of booze with a metal cap. When its empty you have to place it straight up in the fire. The bottle heats the cap expands and you get a nice woosh and blue flame.
Metal cap is the key, I recommend Bushmills.
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I was wondering, since I live in Vegas where we have no last call and the bars never close, how would I fulfill the goal to be there from opening to closing. What hours would that entail? 24 hrs? Hmm, that’s a thought.
Great list.
For the pub crawl, make the trip to Athens, Ohio (Ohio University) for the Court Street Shuffle. 22 bars in two blocks. Where’s the challenge in 8 locations?