If you’re hoping one of these nut cases crashes head first into a wall at 100 mph, don’t waste your time, it doesn’t happen. But if you just want to see some pure insanity, click below.

So I was talking with a buddy the other day that said he could no longer access tastybooze from his work Internet portal. That the firewall was blocking the website stating “tasteless” as the reason.

I couldn’t believe it and to see it for myself. So he sent me the screen shot and here it is. I for one can think of no other adjective that acts as the true antonym of tastybooze.com, than tasteless. But nevertheless, we have been classified. Time to start cleaning it up around here apparently.

Here’s one you don’t see every day. Apparently this weiner dog was a little underfed and he wanted a tasty morsel in the form of a 4 months old’s wank. Here’s the gist of the story:

Police said the girlfriend’s dachshund may have smelled urine in the child’s diaper and began to chew away at the diaper. The dog continued to destroy the diaper until he mutilated and ingested the child’s genitals.

INGESTED? This is one sick dog. Here’s the article.

What you say? Boggs strike? That is correct. I am taking a stand against Miller and letting them know their latest attempt at marketing has rubbed me the wrong way.

If you don’t live in Seattle, then you don’t know about Miller’s sponsorship of UW Husky football. I for one refuse to drink a beer that is packaged in purple and gold, but it hurts to have go pick out an 18 pack of the competition, especially after so many great times with Miller Delites. So, in attempt to get things back on track for Miller up here in the Pacific NW, I wrote them a little feedback. Below are my comments, followed by their response (or lack thereof):

This may seem a little petty, but I like Miller Lite and I want you to succeed, so I thought I should give a piece of advice from a consumer. I recently have heard advertisements for Miller Lite as the official beer of the University of Washington Huskies. I have also seen 18 packs with Husky logos on them. I understand the thinking, but you should know that there is a large contingent of Washington State Cougars living in the Seattle area. Cougars and Huskies don’t get along very well. So when a Cougar sees/hears Miller Lite as the official beer of UW Football, the first reaction is to stop drinking Miller Lite. Whereas, a Husky probably wouldn’t change his/her preference due to any sort of sponsorship. And the reality is, Cougars drink a lot more than Huskies (this is fact, it has been statistically proven). My reason for writing this is not to have you jump ships and sponser Cougar Football (although that would be glorious). I only wish you to stop promoting Husky Football so that I can get back to drinking Miller Lites (aka Miller Delites, aka Boggs’). If you want to see some dedication to your brand, check out http://tastybooze.com/2007/04/the-origin-of-boggs/. This one article has logged over 100,000 hits and is linked through wikipedia and espn. Go on, read it. About two years ago we made the switch from the site stating “Where the Anheuser’s are Always Cold.” Search Boggs or Miller Lite on the search side, you will see the dedication. So, all that being said, why don’t you go ahead and drop this campaign so that you don’t have to divide Miller Lite drinkers. Thanks for listening and let me know when I can go back to my normal drinking habits.

And the response for Miller?

Thank you for contacting the Miller Brewing Company. We are glad to hear you enjoy our product Miller Lite. Consumers like yourself have helped to make us one of America’s leading breweries. We always appreciate receiving both positive and negative feedback from our consumers. Please rest assured all of your comments will be forwarded to the appropriate department.

Miller Brewing Company Consumer Affairs Department
Ref: Case#N20063671

Weak. You appreciate my interest in your company?!?! How bout my thousands of dollars I have spent on you. Not to mention some serious viral marketing that has been happening for a couple years. This is more than just an interest brother, it is a way of life. So I say get with the program Miller. Know your target audience and thank your faithful drinkers. I think my loyalty deserves more than a Dear John response.

So for now, I am on a Boggs strike. I encourage others of you disturbed by this new packaging with a strange looking dog on it to stray to the Anheuser. Who’s coming with me?!?!

Prepare to learn of the drinking game that will be sweeping the nation this summer. Debauchery Ball is a combination of Bocce Ball and drinking crouquet. All the basic rules of Bocce Ball apply, with a few added “penalties.”

1) All players must have a can of beer in hand at all times.
2) When you finish a beer, you simply drop the can on the playing field. It has effectively gone from being a tasty Boggs container to a devastating “land mine.”
3) If you throw your Debauchery Ball out of bounds, you must take a two drink penalty.
4) If your team wins a point, you may give out 5 drinks.
5) And finally, if your Debauchery Ball hits a “land mine”, you must finish your Boggs can and repeat step 2.

If all rules are followed your end product should look something like this:

You never know what kind of douche bags are going to be hanging out in your own backyard. This joker was spotted at the Mariners game Saturday night. Yeah, its not the greatest picture, but its the best I could do with my paparazzi phone. If you look close, this douche bag has got a red bow tie tattooed to his neck. This guy is screaming “hire me”.

After reading the article below on the Russian that died of alcohol poisoning from drinking 1.5 liters of vodka, it reminded me a news story from the archives. This poor sap was so hard up for a buzz, he had his wife pour 3 liters of Sherry into him…. through his ass. Yes, that’s right. A sherry enema. Needless to say this idiot died, sporting a BAC of .47. I don’t even want to know what that crime scene looked like.

Here’s the story.

Here’s something that you may have seen before. But as I lay here on the couch after an all day Bogg’s bender, my mushy brain is wondering if this theory actually holds any truth.

Its funny what you can find on the Internet when you just don’t feel like being productive. For instance, I Googled “Beer Drinking” today and came up with John Paul Adams’ personal beer records. This guy is great. I wouldn’t call him the best beer drinker I’ve seen, but judging by his picture, you wouldn’t expect it.

Anyway, he’s been keeping tally of his consumed beers since 1988. Not only does he have a list of different types he’s drank, but he’s got monthly tallies of total consumption. It appears that JPA’s alcoholism has really picked up since ‘88. Back in the day he was only taking down about 40 a month. But in December of ‘02 he set a personal best of 162.5 beers. That’s an average of 5 a night, or if you’re the type that only drinks when going out, a nightly average of nearly 14 beers if you drank every Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I tip my hat to you John Paul.

In a true Tastybooze honoring of this guy, I propose a gentleman’s contest. Keep track of the number of beers you drank for the month of June. Tally each night as accurately as possible. I expect some 200 months coming in… but will anyone pass 300?

Here’s his scorecard.

By now I’m sure everyone’s heard the story of the cop in Dearborn, Michigan who stole 1/4 ounce of weed from a drug bust and decided to make himself a little batch of brownie goodness. Well, apparently he got a little overzealous when adding the active ingredient and decided he and his wife had overdosed. So what does a cop do when overdosing on stolen pot? Dial 911 emergency of course and ask for “rescue” to come to his house. My favorite part is when he asks the dispatcher what the score of the Red Wings game is to verify that he wasn’t hallucinating.

Here at Tastybooze, we don’t just report the stories, we dig a little deeper so that all may fully enjoy the humor of this situation.

Here is the official 911 audio clip from one of Dearborn’s finest.

If you listen closely to the very first part, you can hear him reciting the Lord’s Prayer prior to his call being answered.

Here is one of the those “they printed it so it has to be true” type stories. This goat fucker in Sudan got caught and was forced to marry the goat and pay dowry to boot. Unfortunately his wife died a couple of weeks ago. How? Choking on a plastic bag. Apparently not the brightest goat in the herd.

Goat Fucker Story

Here are some great pics sent to me be a friend who, ironically enough, spends a lot of time figuring out ways to cheat on his girlfriend. No, his name is not Scott Kelly, but these are some damn funny pics.

Looking to kill those early afternoon shakes and not spend a lot doing it? Your search is over. Sevennites.com is a website devoted to keeping young professional alcoholics all over Seattle up to date on where the best booze deals are across the city. Go ahead give it a try. For instance, right now you can head to Vito’s and get $2 Boggs’ and $2 appetizers. I’d probably shy away from appetizers, but you can’t drink for cheaper!

Don’t forget to bookmark this!

So a coworker of mine told me about this website last Friday. I started reading some posts this morning and after getting through two, I can already tell this is blog-worthy stuff. Here’s the short version… this guy is the Miami equivilent of our friend/enemy Nelson. For those of you that don’t know Nelson, he can consume more drugs/alcohol than three men combined. He can talk himself into/out of any situation. He has unhuman strength and is probably immortal.

That being said, Tucker Max has posted some stories about his exploits in Miami. This one is in regards to his first night out with his newly bought breathalyzer. Let me spoil it for you by posting the ending:

8:15am: I wake up. I don’t know where I am. It is very hot. I am sweating horribly. It smells like rotting flesh.

8:22: I drive home anyway.

Now I don’t consider myself on the same level as Tucker, but I must prouldy say that I was awoken after a night of drinking by a cop who gave me a breathalyzer at 6am. .27 was my scorecard. That’s right. Over 3 times the legal limit after sleeping for 5 hours. Sorry Tucker, you lose.

Don’t forget to check out his exploits with anal sex.

Breathalyzer/Sushi Pants Story

I’ve been to Alabama once. I vowed to never return even though my stay was less than six hours. However, with this news brief, I may have to rescind that promise and go find me a Leprechaun. I mean check out this police sketch, it has to be for real.