We have referenced this before and before that. I cannot describe how awesome these shorts are. So please bow to the funny that is Drunk History, Volume 3.

We already know people in Ohio like to drink and drive, I live there, I should know. What we didn’t know is that people also are fine gift givers in Ohio. For example, take recent high school graduate Ana. Her dad was so proud of her 3.1 GPA, entitling her to a full ride at Ohio State, that he went and bought her a Lexus, with a vanity plate no less. Ana never knew how popular you become when driving a Lexus, butt loves all the honks and waves she gets every time she pulls onto the highway or into a truck stop.

Find the original at Banned in Hollywood

9:00 p.m.: Find tie-dyed shorts and leather chaps.

9:01 p.m.: Sit on bed and begin crying rainbow tears because I am so fucking EMO it hurts.

9:15 p.m.: Pull favorite sleeveless t-shirt out of trashcan/laundry hamper.

9:20 p.m.: Contemplate the entire spectrum of emotions, get erection.

10:00 p.m.: Park bike in front of 7-Eleven to grab some Pabst and Mad Dog.

10:05 p.m.- Midnight: Listen to punk rock and Morrissey; spray paint; attempt to tighten jeans; alter and re-alter bangs; contemplate depression; grow a mustache; get wasted.

12:01 a.m.: Body shots!

1:09 a.m.: Contract Hepatitis C.

thanks to tyler-o-death for the awesome.

This is an old cover of the awesome Dresden Dolls song “Coin Operated Boy.” This song is clever because it replaces beer with coin. Ok, it’s actually fairly clever, but could use a little more action (something like this) than a slide show of pictures. Apparently this cover has been around for awhile, however, it’s new to me so suck on that. Enjoy.

We here at TastyBooze do our best to toe the line of maturity. Making sure to always take the high road, we often ignore the cheap joke in favor of serious writing and pleasant satire. However, when recently reading the erudite BBC news we came across this little known culinary delight, the faggot. Now, we could make the obvious immature joke (ed. Know how I know you’re gay? Because you eat faggots!), but instead we wish to inform you of this delightful dish.

The faggot is like a pork dumpling similar to a meatball. Sometimes a regional dish, Fred Doody remarked, “The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year.”

Fred and the rest of the Doody’s are the newest champions of the faggot. On a crusade to promote the faggot all throughout the homeland, and soon throughout the colonies as well, the Doody’s are a family of four and eat faggots a couple times a week.

Winning a statewide competition organized by “faggot producer Mr. Brain’s Faggots,” the Doody’s were deemed to be the best possible spokespeople in all of England.

When young Lewis, the Doody’s 14-year-old son, was asked what he thought about being a spokesperson for faggots he replied, “I can’t wait for school to start again so I can tell all my friends about the great taste. My friends will love faggots!”

Original story: BBC News

Thanks to Frank the Tank for the tip.

Some people say drinking a beer with a natural peach flavor is like looking at a picture of a shirtless Alex Trebek. It’s warm but it’s also uncomfortable. Other people think drinking a “fruity” drink is unmanly. However, smart people know that the Festinal Peche, a summer brew from Dogfish Head Brewery, is actually the best thing you can do on a summer evening besides watching videos of The Price is Right.

Here’s what Dogfish Head has to say:

In our Festinal Peche since the natural peach sugars are eaten by the yeast, the fruit complexity is woven into both the aroma and the taste of the beer so there is no need to doctor it with woodruff or raspberry syrup - open and enjoy!

Here’s what I have to say:

Beer is situational and interactive. The right beer accentuates your mood and often improves your social situation. For example, going to see the Sex And The City is awesome, but add a beer and the whole experience is just fantastic!

Well, summer is here and your situation is that you are sitting in warm weather and you need a beer offset the hotness of your terrible sunburn. You need a beer that tastes good but also says you enjoy the finer things in life like opera or masturbating. The Festinal Peche is the beer for you.

Look, it’s simple, Festinal is a beer and a peach together. It’s soft on the pallet, doesn’t fill you up that fast, and tastes ridiculously good. More specifically, its golden body and slight head looks so good when poured into a perfect pint that you will get an emotional erection (see: Alex Trebek) watching the pouring process. There’s really nothing more to say.

Women trapped in trunk on Google Street View! Doesn’t look like she fits.

A couple of guesses on who this unfortunate person might be:

- Britney Spears hiding form paparazzi

- Rosie “Rosie” O’donnell

- Sam Cassell

Leave your guesses in the comments.

See the location.

Remember that morning, last summer, when you awoke next to someone you didn’t know, there was a maroon stain on the floor that smelled of vinegar, and your uvula had a new tattoo. That sucked. Southern Tier Raspberry Porter is nothing like that morning. Instead, this porter is an effervescent beer that, unlike common dark and heavy porters, is a smooth and easy beer that doesn’t overwhelm your throat or stomach.

An ale brewed with the finest North American barley. Raspberry Porter is lightly hopped with the choicest Pacific Northwest grown hops. Pleasant roast and chocolate-like notes give this beer a sweet and subtle body while its rich creamy head compliments its character. This delicate and smooth beer is finished with a hint of raspberries and is certain to become your holiday favorite!

Fuck and yes.

After drinking this at a bar beer tasting my stomach got an erection. Oh, and bar beer tastings are awesome if you have a bar with a good happy hour and a kickass staff. Just ask for water glasses, order beers for the table, and tip your waitress generously. Do this during happy hour and you get to taste a ton of beers for not that much, and you don’t have to clean up.

Ok, here’s the bullshit. This porter is technically a winter seasonal. I know, I know, but there is plenty left because people are idiots and they haven’t snapped this beer up fast enough. So stop nerding out on the internet and go get some delicious beer.

Listen, this beer goes well with meat. If you drink this with meat it’s like eating a meat cake in a good way and not the bad way. Enjoy.

Lofa Tatupu made a poor decision when he decided to drink and drive. He made a worse decision when he was deciding what to drive. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Mom: So cute! Look, he’s wearing a bandana, and he’s holding a beer just like daddy. A cigarette, kids can’t smoke! Hahahahaha.

Abused child: (tears welling behind terrible sunglasses)

Mom: Oh, I wish daddy was still here. I remember when he used to fix his bike in the kitchen, and make fun of me for being a woman.

Abused child: what’s a daddy?

Mom: Shut up! Gimmie that beer momma needs a drink.

Staci (mom’s trashy friend from New Jersey): Take a picture a ‘dis, an let’s get to Sully’s. I hear they got a special on cheap beer and broken dreams tonight.

Mom: Ok, hold on…Johnny, I’m going to pour some of this juice into your cup ok. Take a couple sips, ok.

Abused child: This tastes like poverty.

(10 minutes later)

Staci: He asleep, we need to git.

Mom: (Kisses Johnny on the forehead) ok, be good, I’m going to find a daddy.

(15 years later Johnny is sitting in the auditorium of Franklin High School taking his senior year pictures. He’s pleased that the Canadian flag lapel pin he found on the ground that morning that really sets off his black on black outfit.)

Senior quote: That’s what she said.

Moral: Giving a child a drink is not funny, it ruins lives.

20 something younger brother + bad teeth + camera + funeral or wedding = AWKWARD

Awkwardness courtesy of Jenni & Brett

While not appealing in name, Lumpy Gravy is a good spring/summer brown ale that smells heavily of malts and chocolate. Smooth on the throat and pleasant on the taste buds, Gravy is refreshing and not too hoppy. Gravy comes from the fabulous Lagunitas Brewing Company, makers of the slap you in the mouth Maximus. Like everything LBC makes, this beer is delightful.

The other night I was at a seasonal beer tasting with samples ranging from barley wines to light lagers. Gravy stood out as one of the best with its unique flavors and general pleasantness. In general, people seemed to like the chocolate aftertaste and the nutty slightly sweet initial taste. Needless to say, I liked it so much I recently stole some from my local beer store.

Ok, onto the nitty gritty:

Will people make fun of you for ordering this? No, this beer is the shit. However, telling people you are drinking lumpy gravy is a good way to keep them away from your beer. I’m looking at you Gary.

Will I get drunk? Indeed, at 7.2% ABV this beer will make you feel comfortable with your ragged appearance sooner than later. Thankfully, unlike other high ABV beers this one doesn’t leave your mouth parched after a couple of minutes. I don’t know why, but is doesn’t.

When is the best time to drink Gravy? When you are awake.

Why haven’t I heard of this before: Well, you are a ignorant or stupid. Ignorance can be solved.

What else? Luckily, Lumpy Gravy is served only in 22s and kegs. Thus, you should go get a keg of Gravy, throw a party, and write your own review in the comments section.

Overall, this unique and awesome brown ale has everything you want in a warm weather semi-dark beer. Caramel at the front and the end. Hops that are pleasant, but don’t overpower your throat, allowing you to comfortably imbibe at whatever pace you wish. Plus, it goes real well with sandwiches and burgers. So take this ale out the ball game or something like that.

The NFL draft is coming up in a just a couple of days, and it’s time to think about how your team will fuck it up again. I usually watch the draft alone on a cold concrete floor surrounded by lithium, vodka, and kerosene. This way I don’t have to be slowly killed by poor drafting; I can do the job myself if the Seahawks make Bill Bavasi like decisions.

While the actual draft can be rather painful, preparations for the draft are exciting as all get out. You have Mel Kiper doing some weird Elvis shit with his hair. Grown men drool and discuss young men in spandex. Plus, you have the awesome prognosticators who suggest your team take running back A over running back B, because running back A clearly has muscles that are more twitchy than B.

The king off all prognosticators, and the English language, is our loveable Emmitt Smith. Emmitt’s mind is powerful, but his speech is show stopping. For example, when describing a quarterback, or possibly, cornerback, or, well actually, anyone on the field Emmitt has been known to say “He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can.” Wow. Never before have I understood the value of the their third read. I always thought my second read was most important.
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Beer Review Friday. Each week a different Tasty Boozer is going to pick a beer, drink it (obviously) and then write a review about it. Hopefully we can introduce you to some new beers that you can add to your weekend getting-fucked-up repertoire.

Brewery description:

Pilgrim’s Dole is a barleywine-style ale made with fifty percent wheat malt, or what we at New Holland call a wheatwine. Pilgrim’s Dole blends warming and slightly sweet flavors with a unique caramelized character. It would be an excellent accent to nutty dishes, fruit crisps or crème brulee.

Ok, that’s a good description, but this beer tastes like sex. Pure, and delicious, sex. Poured in a glass, it has a light caramel color and a delicious smell, just like the girl you fantasized over during spring break. Sweet, yet well balanced, this beer is in the top five of beers I have ever tasted. Plus, unlike other sweet or flavor forward beers, Pilgrim’s Dole is strong enough that 22 ounces is all you need for one night.

What impresses me most about this beer is the cross appeal amongst all drinkers. The annoying girl who only dinks white wine will love this beer. The guy who drinks only piss water from the mountains of Colorado will love this beer. The guy who only drinks beer from snifters will love this beer.

While the label suggests an appropriate pairing with fruits and nuts, these flavors work well with steak and fowl, but not with fish.

Pilgrim’s Dole is brewed by the New Holland Brewing Company located in the awkward state of Michigan. Everything they make is good, but Pilgrim’s is one of the best. Thankfully, this is not available at 7-Eleven, but you should be able to pick up a bottle at Whole Foods, or other places that sell good beer in your neighborhood. This beer has 10% a.b.v., so you really only need one.

Kobe’s newest shoe ad, which is clearly not fake, features a healthy amount of Turiaf, and some serious jumping skills.

For a nice rundown of some of the best shoe ads of all time check out this review at Josh Q. Public