You might be going to prison if you drive drunk while under the influence cocaine and then proceed to fall asleep behind the wheel and plow into a group of bicyclists while a photographer happens to capture the exact moment of impact and spray the image into the cyber-universe.
“Just 15 minutes in, the third annual Matamoros-Bagdad Cycling Tour in Mexico plunged into chaos when a drunk driver from Texas smashed head-on into the group of riders. 30-year-old Brownsville cyclist Alejandro Alvarez was killed in the accident, while ten other riders were seriously injured.”
This is one of the most fucked up pictures I have ever seen and it will generously contribute to the positive image of America on an international scope.
The asshole is not only in prison, but a Mexican ‘no-condom-no-problem’ prison. AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
The deeply penetrated folks at Good Vibrations sex toy company in San Francisco have declared today National Masturbation Day. This occasion marks the climax of National Masturbation Month, which is apparently May.
My personal jerk-month is generally in the depths of winter when I am depressed and full of self loathing and there is nothing to do except watch the Matrix, eat Taquitos, and violate my person.
On Sunday, Good Vibes held a Masturbate-A-Thon where about 100 people from all over the country assembled and pleasured themselves for charity. Each participant asked for donations based on how long they were able to ying their yang. Before you rush to the Greyhound station and buy a one way ticket to next year’s wankfest, realize this:
Not one attractive female will be in attendance. Hot women never go to things like this. Remember watching Real Sex on HBO as a kid and they’d feature some orgy in the forest? What kind of chick showed up to those? Saggy, old, fucking married hippies! Yes, please let me watch 50 flower children touch themselves while they get fondled by their ponytailed and equally saggy-titted dudes.
I suggest you save yourself some time and Usher your Lil Jon in the privacy of your own home on this most deserved of holidays. You actually have an excuse this time.
I come across things on this planet and literally kick myself in the balls for not inventing them first; Coldstone Creameries, the Chip Clip, particle accelerators, etc.
Now, two Belgian beer fans have beat me to another fantastic creation…the Urinal Video Game. The ‘Place To Pee’ booth is designed to allow two users to piss on sensors and blow up aliens or ski down a mountain.
There is even an optional funnel accessory for women to enjoy gameplay.
I assume these games are fairly simple. Can you imagine trying to get Ryu to do a Dragon Uppercut by pissing foward+down+foward+punch?
Imagine how many dudes will be pissed on by their friends. “I was trying to get to the Star Level brah! Sorry, your leg got in the way!”
Yesterday was the nicest day of the year in Seattle, and today is supposed to even more the bomb. I went to my 2nd BBQ of the season last night and I felt the urge for something crisp and fresh, like an outdoor piss, to accompany my Hebrew National beef frank. No, Pyramid Curve Ball doesn’t taste like piss. Haven’t you ever peed outside, in the mountains perhaps, and just stretched as you took in a deep breath as the cool wind brushed across your bare… nevermind.
The Mariners weren’t playing last night so I needed something else to put me in a state of delirium as well as give me the feel of the ballpark.
“Not your straight over the plate summer brew!
Inspired by the traditional Kölsch style beers of Cologne, Germany, Curve Ball boasts a clean, crisp slightly herbal taste and a lighter body. With its sporty packaging and refreshing taste, Curve Ball is the perfect accompaniment to summer grilling and ballpark outings. Try swingin’ at it on a hot summer day!”
Pyramid Ales are brewed locally in Seattle, right across the street from Safeco Field. After tasting this fine beer, I am wondering if Ichiro sweat some of his greatness into each bottle.
This Curve Ball was the shit. With 4.9% ABV it doesn’t hit your consciousness out of the park, but it provides an excellent buzz for kickin’ it in the sun around the BBQuizzle. I, however, got plenty fucked up after 7 of these babies and was saying shit I wasn’t supposed to… breakin’ people up… no big deal. They were bad for each other anyway.
Curve Ball has a nice, sunny taste and is brewed seasonally (March-Spetember). If you prefer heavier beers, A) get over yourself and B) try a Curve Ball in the sun. You won’t be disappointed.
Today marks the beginning of the 3rd round of the Bigger Dance. Ol’ Dirty still leads the Tasty Booze pack with 63 points while the shit-talkin’ Baba Ganoush trails by eight with 55. The hopeless bunch is Mitch Martin at 52, J Diggles at 51, and Frank the Tank at 49. Ol’ Dirty’s lead continues to widen despite the loss of Heigl in the 2nd round. Even my other, shittier bracket is beating the hopeless crew. I just know women, what can I say.
Today brought few surprises with Angelina Jolie demolishing the what-the-fuck-is-she-still-doing-here Molly Sims. The ancient Eva Longoria somehow continues to win and took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights of Carrie Underwood. The fine-as-humanly-possible Marisa Miller ousted Hayden Panettiere, and Scarlett Johansson out-boobified Eva Mendes.
The first round of The Bigger Dance is complete and it has been heated. In the Tastybooze pool, Ol’ Dirty is tied for first place with Mike Honcho at 31 out of a possible 39 points. Baba Ganoush is close behind at 29 while Mitch Martin (28), Frank The Tank (27), and J Diggles (27) are right in it too.
After today, however, I will quickly plummet to the bottom of the standings. This morning was the start of round two and 1-seeded Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up) was eliminated by old-and-tired Molly Sims! I had Heigl losing in FINALS to Jessica Biel so I am guaranteed 3 more losses and I am completely fucked. Does anyone still think Molly Sims is hot. Isn’t she like 50?
I am also a moron and picked Lauren Conrad (The Hills) over Megan Fox (Transformers). Fox won 52-19 and is possible the hottest tattooed female ever (besides Mr. Wonka). There weren’t a ton of upsets in the first round. Generally the higher seed won the match-up.
With Heigl out I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.
My Final Four prediction is now:
Jessica Alba vs Jessica Biel
and
Marisa Miller vs Eva Longoria (This pains me)
Biel will play Miller in the Finals and potentially lose. Did you see the cover of this years SI Swimsuit Issue? Now get some tissue.
Stay tuned for more updates from the hard wood as I fall from the top spot.
Photoshop performs many miracles. It is almost concerning the level at which images can be manipulated. However, as long as I am not falsely imprisoned based on some photo evidence created by a piss-ant graphic design student, I’ll enjoy it’s splendor. Here are some classics.
The Chicago Bulls’ mascots have been getting into some shit lately. He’s been busted for slangin’ weed out of his car, charged with socking an off-duty police officer, accused of shooting t-shirts at Kevin Garnett, and now a lawsuit has been filed against Benny the Bull for tossing a dentist to the floor and tearing his bicep.
Benny was running down the aisles of the United Center about two months ago, slapping high fives with Bull’s fans when he tripped and grabbed Dr. Don Kalant’s arm to brace himself. Well, the dentist, being the 2nd-row pussy that he is, couldn’t handle the weight and fell, hyper-extending his arm and rupturing his bicep. Kalant stayed for the rest of the game and then went to the doctor. The impending surgery is said to have forced Kalant to miss 4 months of work as well as $80,000 in lost income.
Benny should have kicked this guy’s ass. Apparently he has the track record to show he’s capable. You know the dentist was PUMPED to be giving Benny a high five, and Benny was happy to do it. Now the bastard is threatening Benny’s livelihood.
I hate fucking dentists.
Actually, if someone were to cause me to rupture my bicep, they wouldn’t be around anymore to sue. My guns would rupture them first!
If I were to see this guy on the street I would most likely think he were some big ass nerd. I mean the messy small-child-esque hair , the Potter glasses, the IT department watch, this guy just screams of mapping some genome.
But, if I were to see this dork in this kitchen, on this night, doing this beautiful thing, I would have to salute him. In fact, just knowing this geek has done this glorious act at some point in his life makes me tip my hat from where I sit currently. You go dweeb. You get my props.
I cannot accomplish that spectacular feat, but you’d better believe I will die trying. Dorks are always the trailblazers, now I must follow.
I don’t know exactly how old this kid is, but I am pretty sure he’s too old to be wearing a leash, and I am Goddamn positive he is too old to be wearing a teddy bear leash. My God this kid must get made fun of. I wonder if his Dad walks him to school strapped in and un-clips him to let him run to class. You know the Dad will get stabbed before the kid turns 18.
Your last chance to rank some skanks females is NOW!
The games begin tomorrow at 6:50am. The first battle is Victoria’s Secret supermodel Alessandra Ambrosia vs ESPN Sportscaster Erin Andrews.
My Pick: Ambrosia all the way. She is one of the highest paid models in the world for a reason. There is no way she loses this. Consider this a gimme and go fill out your bracket at KJR.
Join our league by clicking on the Office Pools tab and enter:
Pool Name: TastyBooze.com
Password: tastybooze
Other brawls tomorrow include:
7:50am Rihanna vs Allison Stokke
My Pick: Stokke. Rihanna will probably win, but I can’t dis my girl.
8:50am Kate Hudson vs Kate Beckinsdale
My Pick: This is one of the harder ones in the game, I went with Hudson because Beckinsdale seems like a cold fish.
9:50am Elin Nordegren vs Gabriell Union
My Pick: Another gimme. Nordegren (AKA Tiger Wood’s wife) is hot as shit and going at least to the final four. She once was nanny, has a twin sister, and likes golf. Hello honey.
Who doesn’t have a sex tape these days? You aint shit unless you got one.
A New York businessman recently purchased a sex tape that allegedly depicts Marilyn Monroe, on her knees, giving a BJ to an unidentified man. The 15 minute film, shot in the 1950’s, was sold for 1.5 million dollars to a purchaser that vows to keep it out of public view. [Read more →]
Yesterday was the nicest day of the year in Seattle, and today is supposed to even more the bomb. I went to my 2nd BBQ of the season last night and I felt the urge for something crisp and fresh, like an outdoor piss, to accompany my Hebrew National beef frank. No, Pyramid Curve Ball doesn’t taste like piss. Haven’t you ever peed outside, in the mountains perhaps, and just stretched as you took in a deep breath as the cool wind brushed across your bare… nevermind.
The first round of 
