“You can purchase anything off the Internet except common sense,” Harrison said. “A venomous snake isn’t a pet. You don’t play with it. If you do, you’re an idiot.”
Wildlife officers arrested 10 idiots and confiscated over 100 snakes during an undercover operation in Kentucky. One batshit-crazy-yahoo had 50 venomous snakes in his house alone including water moccasins, rattlesnakes and a puff adder. Most of the idiots arrested were part of an even batshit-crazier church that takes a bible passage stating true believers can take up serpents without being harmed literally.
Shit, I think that if you managed to sell common sense on the internet the internet might just shut down. Kids with video cameras and nothing to do would stop uploading videos of themselves doing ridiculous shit to Break.com and YouTube. I know I would have a hard time finding shit to write about if a sudden rash of common sense swept the world.
What is that hot pink thing on that cow’s back? That is a fart tank, son! Scientists in Argentina have began collecting cow farts in an attempt to understand how they affect global warming. The researchers have found that the methane that comes from cow farts accounts for 30% of Argentina’s green house emissions.
Argentina has roughly 55 million cattle that produce somewhere between 8000 to 10,000 litres of ass gas every day. I wonder how many automobiles that is equivalent too? Scientists are hoping to find a way to alter the diet of the cows which will reduce their flatulance problem.
We here at TastyBooze do our best to toe the line of maturity. Making sure to always take the high road, we often ignore the cheap joke in favor of serious writing and pleasant satire. However, when recently reading the erudite BBC news we came across this little known culinary delight, the faggot. Now, we could make the obvious immature joke (ed. Know how I know you’re gay? Because you eat faggots!), but instead we wish to inform you of this delightful dish.
The faggot is like a pork dumpling similar to a meatball. Sometimes a regional dish, Fred Doody remarked, “The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year.”
Fred and the rest of the Doody’s are the newest champions of the faggot. On a crusade to promote the faggot all throughout the homeland, and soon throughout the colonies as well, the Doody’s are a family of four and eat faggots a couple times a week.
Winning a statewide competition organized by “faggot producer Mr. Brain’s Faggots,” the Doody’s were deemed to be the best possible spokespeople in all of England.
When young Lewis, the Doody’s 14-year-old son, was asked what he thought about being a spokesperson for faggots he replied, “I can’t wait for school to start again so I can tell all my friends about the great taste. My friends will love faggots!”
This picture is clearly ridiculous, but it begs the question…what specifically makes it ridiculous?
Please use the comments section to weigh in. Here are a few possible reasons:
a) extreme homoeroticism, and not in a good way
b) harmful to frozen animals
c) just plain douchebags
d) hat backwards is so 90’s…and so is fellating a dead snake
e) red eye
f) guy on left clearly showing his “O” face
Looks like a summer internship at PETA isn’t all the media whoring and celebrity condemning that’s it’s cracked up to be. While PETA wouldn’t dare lay a finger on a delicious cow it appears they could give two fucks about their interns. What kind of back-ass-wards organization condemns KFC for “cruelly” killing chickens but then turns around and makes a pasty ass white kid wear a speedo under cellophane for an hour in the blazing sun? At least the Colonel covers those chickens in a secret blend of 11 delicious herbs and spices. I bet the assholes at PETA didn’t even give this poor bastard a bottle of aloe.
When officers inquired about the well-being of intern Shawn Herbold (bottom) and volunteer Thomas Olsen, a sweat-soaked Herbold replied that she was in pain and feeling nauseated from the heat after being wrapped in cellophane for 30 minutes, and also asked how much longer she needed to stay there. Byrne let her know it wouldn’t be much longer and left her under the hot afternoon sun for 30 minutes more while debating with the officers.
If I was Thomas Olsen there I would walk into the PETA offices tomorrow eating the biggest juiciest goddamn hamburger I could find and I would throw a pound of raw red meat on to every desk in the office.
At least two different companies here in the U.S. have begun brewing beer specially designed for dogs. 3 Busy Dogs in Arizona and the Dog Star Brewing Co. in Napa California both create a beef flavored barley drink for dogs. The dog brew is non-alcoholic and non-carbonated so that it is perfectly safe for dogs. Dog Star Brewing Co. describes their Happy Tail Ale as:
Non-alcoholic and non-carbonated, our Happy Tail Ale is the ultimate liquid refreshment for your best friend. Our beer is made in a real brewery and starts with artesian water and choice malted barley. Brewed in 500-gallon copper kettles, Happy Tail Ale also features all-natural beef drippings (no by-products or chemicals!). Plus, it’s fortified with Glucosamine and Vitamin E! Every ingredient in Happy Tail Ale is human grade, as Dog Star Brewing Company does not believe in giving our canine family members less than superior food and beverages.
Sounds like fancy-ass beef broth to me. I know that people do crazy ass shit for their pets but is there really a market for dog beer? Neither web site lists a price for their dog beer but I can’t imagine it’s cheap. How can you call something that lacks both carbonation and alcohol beer? Those are the two staple items that make beer, beer. If you don’t have alcohol you’ve got nothing but barley-flavored soda.
I don’t have a dog but I can see party prank written all over a six pack of Happy Tail Ale. I think mixing one Happy Tail Ale and one Bud Heavy into a beer bong and then passing it off to a friend would have pretty hilarious results. Consider that last sentence fair warning to anyone that I try to hand a beer bong to in the near future.
Check out this local newscast that tries to get some footage at Puppy Paradise. Apparently the dogs missed the memo that this was a family news broadcast and they should save the humping for later. I don’t know if Don Harman doesn’t have Animal Planet or the Discovery channel but he loses his shit when they cut back to him for the weather. I don’t know if I have ever seen somebody laugh so hard about a couple of dogs getting freaky.
Animal asshole tattoo #4! I can’t believe I found another one! I didn’t think anything was going to beat the monkey spreading his ass cheeks but I think this guy might have just grabbed the title. A cow’s ass with flies buzzing around!? Unbelievable. What convinces these douche bags that this is a good idea? I think that there has got to be a least a case of Natural Light Ice involved.
What is going on with this guy’s belly button? It looks like it just gave birth to a calf.
Goddamn it these batshit crazy Floridians just keep one upping each other. A man that had disappeared from a Florida hospital was found dressed as a doctor driving a stolen ambulance in North Carolina with a six point buck crammed in the back. The North Carolina Highway Patrol tracked Leon Holliman Jr., 37, in the stolen ambulance through three counties before they managed to puncture the tires and stop the ambulance. The cops knew they were dealing with a possible crazy but I don’t think anyone saw the deer coming.
“I don’t know how the man got it up in there,” said Sgt. Robert Pearson. “It was a six point buck.”
WTF? I thought all these little tuxedo wearing guys could do was belly slide and waddle. Okay, maybe a few here and there can fly, but shit, man! That’s a lot of penguins flying at once. Maybe they’re tired of Antarctica?
Alright, now I can’t tell if BBC is f–king with me. Is this shit real?
This little guy obviously thinks he’s a squirrel, cause he’s got a mouthful of nuts. I gotta say, until I saw these pictures, I was unaware of how popular the blow job is on Animal Planet.
Look at the image. Then, focus on the caption. C’mon, I know you can do it. Focus. Focus. There you go, you figured it out. And now you understand the pain this poor boy must have gone through. Antler’s first?
We here at TastyBooze do our best to toe the line of 
