A 41-year-old man in Hong Kong found himself lonely and disturbed in a park late one night, alcohol could have possibly been involved too. The man thought it would be a good idea to have sex with a metal park bench. After becoming aroused, the man was stuck in/on the bench and unable free himself due to swelling. The man called the police for help…they had to take the entire park bench with the man still laying on top of it to the hospital. Four hours later, he was finally free. Doctors say an hour longer, and … well, let’s just say it wouldn’t have been good.

If alcohol was involved, this might be the worst case of beer goggles EVER!

Original Post: Weird Asian News

Pigeon is thinking:

A) This is a hot necklace
B) I’m saving the crust for dessert
C) I hate the new carnival game, pigeon ring toss

The masses have spoken, and I think they hit it on the head this time.  65% of you would rather have to go on all future first dates with your 8th grade hair than your 8th grade clothing.  8th grade was a while ago for me, but I dont really think my hair has changed all that much.  But THANK GOD I am no longer wearing white jeans, Cross Colours and overall shorts with one strap.

For Guys:

Let’s face it.  Guys go bald.  No matter how bad your hair was in 8th grade, I suspect most would rather have it than no hair.  Or at least that’s what Wonka told me.  And on top of that, a majority of guys didn’t really know what they were doing with their clothes in 8th grade.  Hence the overall shorts with one strap I referred to earlier.  And did I mention they were some sort of extra special stone wash?  Not that I don’t appreciate Ross Dress For Less, but that was my mom’s choice shopping location for my duds back in the day.  I’ll take the hair, even if I did sport the Vanilla Ice lines on the side for a time….

For Girls:

I don’t really know is the honest answer.  But I did got an inside tip from a lady that a girls hair back in the day was a scary, scary thing.  And no matter how bad the clothes are, they weren’t as bad.  But with girls, they can get away with anything if they are hot.  A guy might laugh at them a bit after the first date is over, but regardless of hair or clothes, if she’s hot he will call.

But since I am writing this, I win.  And the hair wins.  Ice Ice Baby.

“From women in their 20’s to their 70’s, Tokuda romances them all (sometimes more than one at a time). Tokuda is a genuine leading man in the genre of elderly porn, starring in more than 200 adult videos. Tokuda (that’s his porn name) is so successful, he is a brand.”

Wow. Thanks again to the highest quality news source on the Net, CNN.com, for the latest in international porn news. This guy though has got to be the coolest grandpa ever. Which is fortunate because he probably has a ton of grandchildren. Tokuda also notes that his friends are envious of him, because he has “a job where he’s valued, something many seniors lack.” I’ll tell you what, that’s not why they are jealous gramps. I am guessing it is all the sex with 20-year olds. But that’s just me.

Source: CNN.com

You try to give your child one of the following names:

A) Fish and Chips
B) Yeah Detroit
C) Keenan Got Lucy
D) Sex Fruit
E) Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii

Actually all of the above names were submitted by parents in New Zealand to the office of the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages, and all of them except one was rejected. Got any guesses as to which name a little girl has been living with the for last nine years? If you guessed Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii then you are the big winner. A judge in New Zealand recently made Talula a ward of the court so that the court could legally change her name. Apparently the girl was so embarrassed (can’t blame her there) that not even her closest friends knew her real name.

Not a single one of the kids whose parents tried to give them one of the above names has a shot. Sex Fruit!? What the fuck do you have to be smoking to think that is a good name for a kid. Can’t we come up with some kind of aptitude test?

Original Story: Yahoo News

“A man whose shirt proclaims him as the “World’s Greatest Dad” has been arrested on charges he tried to use the Internet to arrange a sexual encounter with a minor.”

In the past we have shown you unfortunate t-shirt selections on mug shot day (Yes and Yes). But this might just take the cake. This man met what he thought was a 14-year old girl in a chat room….proceeded to have sexually explicit conversations….set up a meeting for sex….AND assuming he was going to meet this young lady, he purposely put on the “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt. What an ultimate douche.

I guess we should have known he wasn’t REALLY the world’s greatest dad when he chose the WWE t-shirt.

Source: WXYZ News

And we all know the weatherman is never wrong. Especially when he really strokes it….

Nothing is more awkward than being the groundskeeper that heads out and waters the golf course with a tank full of industrial strength weed killer.

Fairways are usually sprayed with a light weed killer, but last month the turf was thoroughly watered with a solution of industrial-strength Gallup 360 - a systemic herbicide designed for the drying out or “desiccation” of grassland.

Apparently the Haywards Heath Golf Club which opened in 1922 was in the best condition it had been in in years, before the weed killer of course. I don’t know much about building golf courses but I have to imagine it will take months possibly years before the course recovers. This is like the ultimate revenge after getting fired not something that you do on accident.

Original Story: Telegraph.co.uk

There are definitely worse chick repeller tattoos, but these Web and Computer-centric ones can’t really be helping you with the ladies, can they? These are only slightly better than branding yourself with the Lacoste logo on your chest.

For more Web and Computer inspired tattoos, go to WebUpon.com

A whole bunch of good ol’ boys showed up to Fort Smith’s convention center in Texarkana, Arkansas thinking that they were going to see some cagefighting and drink $1 beers. Instead they were treated to something that was just short of a rub-and-tug show. Organizers of the event told the convention center staff that a character named “Straight Dave” would talk trash to the audience and convince one of them to come out and challenge “Straight Dave” to a cage fight. Instead of a cage fight “Straight Dave” and his cohort from the audience got a little friendly.

The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.

As you can imagine the nice folks that showed up to the Texarkana fair grounds that day weren’t exactly fond of this male display of affection.

The audience, as well as local fighters drawn to take part in the show, became enraged. “It set the crowd off lobbing beers,” Holland said. “They had beers in plastic cups. Those things can get some distance on them actually.”

The two actors ran out through a special tunnel and it took officers almost 45 minutes to clear the crowd out of the convention center.

Original Story: Starpulse

If you came up with a number that is anywhere north of $800k don’t travel to Romania to save a few bucks on an operation. A surgeon in Romania was recently ordered by a court to pay $795,000 to a patient after he accidentally cut a patient’s schlong off. The surgeon was supposed to be performing some kind of testicular operation but instead of slicing into the ball sack he took the scalpel to the man’s member.

I don’t understand how a medically trained doctor cuts the dick instead of the balls. It reminds me of the scene in Something About Mary when Ben Stiller gets his balls stuck in his zipper and the step-dad yells, “Oh man! How’d you get the beans above the frank?”

The real bitch of this whole thing is that the patient is only 33 years old and they weren’t able to re-attach his dick. I don’t know if this dipshit of a surgeon just shredded the thing or maybe dick reattachment surgery isn’t that advanced in Romania. I mean didn’t they find John Wayne Bobbit’s dick in the middle of a field and they still managed to get it back on? Doctors in Romania took “a piece of muscle from the man’s arm has now been attached to where his penis was, but its function is aesthetic.”

So the poor bastard has a bulge but no pop.

Original Story: MSNBC.com

We here at TastyBooze do our best to toe the line of maturity. Making sure to always take the high road, we often ignore the cheap joke in favor of serious writing and pleasant satire. However, when recently reading the erudite BBC news we came across this little known culinary delight, the faggot. Now, we could make the obvious immature joke (ed. Know how I know you’re gay? Because you eat faggots!), but instead we wish to inform you of this delightful dish.

The faggot is like a pork dumpling similar to a meatball. Sometimes a regional dish, Fred Doody remarked, “The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year.”

Fred and the rest of the Doody’s are the newest champions of the faggot. On a crusade to promote the faggot all throughout the homeland, and soon throughout the colonies as well, the Doody’s are a family of four and eat faggots a couple times a week.

Winning a statewide competition organized by “faggot producer Mr. Brain’s Faggots,” the Doody’s were deemed to be the best possible spokespeople in all of England.

When young Lewis, the Doody’s 14-year-old son, was asked what he thought about being a spokesperson for faggots he replied, “I can’t wait for school to start again so I can tell all my friends about the great taste. My friends will love faggots!”

Original story: BBC News

Thanks to Frank the Tank for the tip.