New hotness: Holtz had told Michael Robert Dickey of Farmington Hills that it would be cheaper, faster and less painful for the people who cared about him if he took his own life.
A Michigan Judge dropped that bit of wisdom on Michael Dickey, 20, who was in court on a third charge involving alcohol the most recent being an MIP. Jesus Holtz, I am all for the tough love/teach them a lesson bullshit, but maybe the kid is just having a run of bad luck.
Mom: Oh, I wish daddy was still here. I remember when he used to fix his bike in the kitchen, and make fun of me for being a woman.
Abused child: what’s a daddy?
Mom: Shut up! Gimmie that beer momma needs a drink.
Staci (mom’s trashy friend from New Jersey): Take a picture a ‘dis, an let’s get to Sully’s. I hear they got a special on cheap beer and broken dreams tonight.
Mom: Ok, hold on…Johnny, I’m going to pour some of this juice into your cup ok. Take a couple sips, ok.
Abused child: This tastes like poverty.
(10 minutes later)
Staci: He asleep, we need to git.
Mom: (Kisses Johnny on the forehead) ok, be good, I’m going to find a daddy.
(15 years later Johnny is sitting in the auditorium of Franklin High School taking his senior year pictures. He’s pleased that the Canadian flag lapel pin he found on the ground that morning that really sets off his black on black outfit.)
Senior quote: That’s what she said.
Moral: Giving a child a drink is not funny, it ruins lives.
During my morning work break - you know, those 15 minutes you take to search through your favorite sports/celebrity/gossip/video/porn sites before hunkering down on the job until lunch - I came across two videos, both of which involved drunks falling down.
First, a classic with a drunk twist, involves a guy attempting to get on a treadmill while it’s moving at a Kenyan running speed. The best part about this is that the guy knows he’s about to eat shit, even with his hands prepared to brace for the fall, it doesn’t end well.
Second, a drunk walks out on to a bridge. Cops try to talk him out of jumping/falling off the bridge, and to hold on until the firetruck arrives to save him. The fire truck gets there about 0.43 seconds too late.
All About Beer Magazine published a list of 125 Places to Have a Beer Before You Die. The list seems to be pretty thorough, although the top is heavily populate with Euro trash European establishments, the good ol’ U.S. of A. represents at the No. 1 spot with the Great American Beer Festival in Denver, Colo., and Monk’s Cafe in Philadelphia barely making the top 10 in the ninth spot.
There’s a handful of Northwest locations that make the list, the majority of which are in Oregon, with only Stumbling Monk representing for Seattle, which takes the No. 124th spot on the list. This is kind of sad, since I can immediately think of at least five places that will drink Stumbling Monk under the table - obviously the author has never been to Joey’s on a Friday night.
Here’s the complete list, take a gander and then throw down some suggestions for your favorites in the comments. Shout out to the Old Ebbitt Grill at the 121st place, which I visited last week in DC.
A couple of weeks ago Holy Taco put together a list of the 11 manliest cocktails in the world. We thought we would take it the other way and put together a list of the ten drinks you shouldn’t be caught dead with. Whether you are out with the boys or trying to scam on some ladies there is no excuse to be sipping anyone of these unmanly drinks.
Wine Spritzer - First off what the fuck is a spritzer? Secondly why would any man that has a pair be caught dead with one?
Apple-tini - If you are man and you are holding a martini glass the liquid inside better be clear or brown not neon fuck green. Basically you shouldn’t drink anything that has a “-tini” in the drink name. Apple-tini, Choco-tini, etc.
Blow Job Shot - This is a classic shot of choice for bachelorette parties and girls-night-out activities. If a man is caught taking one of these shots, it either means that he has lost a bet, gay, or in the process of a sex-change.
Vodka w/ Cranberry Juice - “It’s a natural diuretic. My girlfriend drinks it when she’s got her period. What, do you got your period?” –The Departed
Mike’s Hard Anything - There is nothing hard about any of these drinks, they are fruit flavored sugar bombs. Just because they sell them at sporting events doesn’t make them acceptable.
Another weekend, another night on the town. No surprise. If you remember from v1 of this series (A Bar Hopping 20-Something), weekends are exclusively reserved for bar activity with the guys. Anyways, I like to call this episode “Girl Fight”.
It started out as a pretty standard night for myself, T Miz and the rest of the gang. We decided to go out to a higher-end area in order to appease the guys who think they are too good for the old neighborhood bars of their early 20’s. And of course by “higher-end”, I mean the drinks are twice the price and the girls are twice as bitchy. Nonetheless, there is something about the nicer weather that seems to make these aspects more manageable. It was turning into a big night and even some late-nighters (these are the guys that don’t even consider leaving their house until 11pm. I mean what the hell are they doing this whole time? And on top of that, they always show up alone. Weird.) rolled in around 11:30.
T Miz and some others did the usual dance routine, while I hung out at the bar for most of the night - and at about 1am we decided to call it. Post leaving the bar and pre deciding between a taxi and the nearest hot dog stand, T Miz eyed himself a beauty at the neighboring bar. He was well on his way to drunk and quickly ditched us to go after her. Myself and the remaining others were a few steps behind T Miz and as we joined him it became clear the beauty was no such thing. Not deterred by such nonsense though, T Miz was giving her the supermodel treatment and convinced us to go into the new bar and join the “beauty”. Most departed at this point, but of course I joined. I had been trained since the age of 21 to never leave a lone man behind in the field (especially if he is slated to cover half the cab fare home).
As it turned out, the “beauty” had a friend. Unfortunately, she was a terrible, miserable human being who had a severe distaste for other people. Never a good sign. I was stuck at that point though and the “beauty” was quickly proving her comedic worth via drunkeness. The better part of the red concoction in her hand ended up on herself and T Miz. He still wasn’t phased.
You wouldn’t expect to find the greatest mini-mart in the world in a small town like Ellensburg, WA but that is where it is. The Happy Market is the one stop shop for anything and everything you could possible need. Forgive the poor picture quality. I was buzzed up on tequila, stuffed full of Mexican food and my Blackberry Curve was the only available camera.
The Happy Market isn’t just a pretty fortified wine display. They have Airsoft BB guns that are made to look like the most popular assault rifles. They have an entire wall of porn DVDs featuring classics like Only Hand Jobs 4 (Really!? What the fuck wasn’t covered in 1 through 3?). The front display case is stuffed full of glass water pipes (for tobacco of course), machetes, cigars and even those telescopic steel batons that I thought were illegal.
If the Happy Market had existed in the small town where I attended college I don’t think all of my friends and I would have made it out alive. At the very least someone would have lost an eye in a Boones Farm fueled assault rifle bb gun fight.
For as long as I can remember people have been telling me that I shouldn’t drink and antibiotic. Well it turns out that’s a complete load of bullshit. Dr Keith Hopcroft, GP, recently wrote an article for the TimesOnline debunking the top 10 medical myths and mixing alcohol and antibiotics happened to be one of them. To be fair there was one exception, metronidazole, which will make you puke if you drink even a small amount of booze. Here is what the good doctor had to say:
How wrong is this? Totally, with the exception of the antibiotic metronidazole.
What are the facts? Any interaction of alcohol with virtually all antibiotics is nonexistent, or so small as to be irrelevant. Metronidazole, an antibiotic used for a variety of infections, is the exception to this rule. When mixed with even small amounts of booze, it causes vomiting.
While this is awesome it doesn’t have a huge effect on me personally. I very rarely go to the doctor so I very rarely end up with any antibiotics. When I was little and got sick my mom would always tell me “Drink and pee. Drink and pee.” You know, to flush the system. I’ve found now in my later years that nothing generates pee and flushes the system like 15 beers. Shit, my pee is clear after number four so all the rest are just gravy.
Yuri Lyalin, a Russian electrician, was out drinking vodka with some co-workers when an argument broke out. One of his co-workers, a watchman, ended up stabbing him in the back with a six inch kitchen knife. Yuri was so goddamn drunk he failed to notice the wound and passed out in the watchman’s office. When he awoke in the morning Yuri took the bus home and then had some leftover sausage before hitting the sack for a little more shut eye. A couple of hours into his nap his wife noticed the knife handle still sticking out of his back and called the ambulance.
Doctors removed the knife which had missed Yuri’s vital organs. Apparently Yuri has no hard feelings towards his co-worker and had this to say.
“We were drinking and what doesn’t happen when you’re drunk?”
Goddamn, Yuri is obviously a wise man. Sage like if you will.
Check out this little slice of genius. A garter belt with a small pouch that holds a 2 oz flask. Nothing says class like hiding booze under your dress, but don’t let your imagination stop you at just the booze. As the company website suggests you can also use the pouch for “cigs, lipstick, keys or cash“. I would go ahead and tack condoms onto that list as well. The guy is going to be trying to head in that general direction anyway why not conviently place the rubbers right along the route?
This is one of the those products that can really have to very different reasons for use.
1) A girl can pull this out from under her dress in the hopes that a little extra booze will make the party less boring. 2) A guy can use this for a little extra liquid courage on his way to what must be a daunting task if he is in the general vicinity of a garter belt and needs more booze.
Unfortunately the company website doesn’t have any pricing information and just lists a phone number to find a reseller. They do mention an upcoming mens line that I find intriguing. Where are you going to dangle a flask pouch off of a dude?
Californian Assemblyman Jim Beall Junior is no Mr. Cool Ice, but he surely is deserving of being the Douche Bag of the Week. The Democrat from the San Jose area has proposed a tax on beer that would raise more than $2 billion for costs associated with alcohol-related emergencies like traffic accidents, beer goggles domestic violence and illnesses. If approved, the tax would increase the cost of a can or bottle of beer by 30 cents!
What. The. Fuck.
Tell me, looking at this photo of Mr. Beall, this guy has to be throwing down the beers on the regular. Isn’t he hurting himself here? Not to mention, in the lovely State of California, you can buy hard liquor at grocery stores, so isn’t this going to just encourage the purchase of hard alcohol instead of beer? Or even worse, force people to buy more of that shit alcohol, like Mike’s Hard Lemonade or wine coolers.
Seriously, Mr. Beall, you should reconsider. After you lose your job because of this tax, you’ll be looking for the cheapest beer possible.
I think this one would be hard for me even if I was sober, but forget about it if I’m drunk. No handrails is rough. I wonder how far out the crocs are?
Unlike breath fresheners and gum AntiPoleez does not just mask the unwanted odor with heavy mint or fruit sent, it eliminates it and does not leave any other. The unique combination of components work to increase the consumption of odor producing molecules by the epithelium of the mucous coat of the upper respiratory passages resulting in clean, fresh breath.
I love these guys that make a product that is geared to one specific area and then they claim it is not geared to that area. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter. I don’t care how many “Don’t drink and drive” banners you have scrolling on your site you can’t tell me AntiPoleez isn’t geared to people who like to slam a few chardonnays and then get behind the wheel.
For fucks sake the single tube 8 mint pack is called the “Night Out Pack”. Doesn’t sound like you are marketing to some guy that wants to get rid of his onion breath before his after lunch meeting. They trot out the “had a few drinks and don’t want others to know” line. Well guess what dipshit, your breath can smell like a bed of goddamn roses, but your slurred speech is going to give away your drunk ass every time.
All that being said let’s drop $2.99 on a “Night Out Pack”, get shit-bombed, suck down a couple of AntiPoleez and then start checking each others breath.
Warning: Consuming Entire Box of Wine Not Recommended
No shit. Anyone with common sense knows that you are supposed to split the box of wine with a friend. We used to do this all the time in college with Franzia (generally the Chillable Red). We used to call it a “box of game” and two guys would split the box.
This story came about because a man in Bremerton, WA was found passed out in the hallway of a hotel with a “fruity” smell. After the hotel staff managed to wake the man he told them not to call the police and then stumbled back to his room. When the cops arrived they found him passed out on the bed with an empty box of wine on the table. Medics ended up taking the man to the hospital for intoxication.
If he had a buddy to share his box of game with, this probably never would have happened.
