This video is definitely an instant classic. I wish more offices were this fun, I mean everything is more fun with Nerf. The closest I’ve ever been to an “Office War” is the occasional paper ball tossed over the cube wall or drive-by rubberband shooting. This seems fitting for a Friday as well.

Here’s The Great Office War from Break.com:

I don’t mean we’re screwed because a 13 year old German kid corrected the math of an organization made up of rocket-fucking-scientists. I mean we are screwed because there is now a 1 in 450 chance that a big ass hunk (1,049 feet wide) of iron and iridium known as the Apophis asteroid is going to land in the Atlantic Ocean right about 2036. NASA’s crack squad had calculated that the odds were 1 in 45,000. Sure the numbers are similar but that is a pretty big goddamn difference.

What Nico Marquardt took into account that NASA didn’t are the 40,000 satellites currently orbiting the planet. In 2029 this big ass hunk of metal is going to pass within 32,500 kilometers of the earth. The problem is that most of those 40,000 satellites are orbiting 35,800 kilometers above the earth. Nico figured out that if the rock hits one of those 40,000 satellites it will be enough to change the trajectory of the rock so that the next time it passes through our neighborhood in 2036 it will destroy the fucking neighborhood.

Original Story: Yahoo News via Gizmodo

Oh, HELL no…

Officials in Tennessee raided a bunch of warehouses in connection with potential robberies occuring at the nearby Jack Daniels distillery. They found thousands of bottles of JD, many of them vintage, over 100 years old. According to a police spokesperson, if it turns out that these bottles were involved in a theft, and were indeed being sold illegally, they will be destroyed.

The value of the liquor, especially considering its vintage, is estimated at around $1 million. One bottle alone dates to 1914, with an unbroken seal, bringing its worth to around $10,000! But fuck that! We know what the real tragedy here is. It’s pure, golden, baby-making, shout-inducing wife-swapping JACK DANIELS!! You can’t just pour it out!! This is much more of a crime than the entrepeneur that liberated the bottles from the distillery. For God sake, Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with Jack Daniels, that way he doesn’t have to spit!! You have to respect that…

This guy said it best:

“Punish the person, not the whiskey,” said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel’s drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. “Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent.”

Amen, brother. 2400 bottles of vintage Jack would be a great donation a charity of Tastybooze’s choice. Possibly the Don’t Go To Work For A Year Foundation…

original story: WSMV Nashville

So I guess a front end loader is good for smashing the shit out of a bank but not so good for extracting cash out of an ATM machine.

At around 11:45 Sunday night, someone drove a front end loader through two automated teller machines to either take them or break into them. When fully stocked with $20 bills, ATMs can hold about $80,000.

The front end loader was taken from a construction site around the corner on Wekiva Springs Road. It’s a John Deer with a universal key, so anyone with a similar machine can use that key to drive off with a heavy piece of equipment from any construction site.

What do you want to bet that the douche that pulled this stunt also happens to work at the construction site around the corner? Did he think he was going to be able to crack the ATMs open like a piggy bank? Or was he going to scoop up the two ATMs and just drive them back to his house? I am guessing the “I could use a front end loader” revelation must have come right after he cracked Budweiser number six.

Original Story: WFTV.com

A guy in Germany had the great foresight to build his dream house right on the bend of a busy and dangerous road. Not surprisingly, a car has lost control and crashed into his house…TEN TIMES.

The tenth crash happened just a few days ago when this guy “returned home from shopping to find the shattered vehicle sticking out of his living room.” He’s finally deciding it might be time to move, after 10 cars have plowed into his goddamn house.

How many cars would have to crash into YOUR house before you decided to relocate?

Only in Germany…

Original Article: Reuters

Well I pulled a stunt this weekend that I haven’t done in about 10 years. In fact it was so long ago that when it did happen it was a pager. What is it you ask? The old drop the cell phone in the toilet move. I was pretty wasted on Friday night and I was hanging out with some friends at a buddies new town house. I went in to take a piss and while I was controlling things with the left hand I decided to check my Blackberry Pearl for any messages with the right. I brought the Pearl out of my pocket and then it jumped out of my hand and completed two double back flips before landing in the bowl.

At this point I was faced with a serious dilemma. Do I pinch the stream and try to save the device or do I finish the first order of business and then go in for the rescue? In my inebriated state I went ahead and chose option B. Why? For two reasons really. First I had really just hit my stride with the pee and that is a hard time to pinch things off. Second I had been looking for an excuse to get rid of the Pearl for a couple of months now. My original plan was to sell the Pearl to someone else to help offset the cost of a new device but that toilet bowl of water really jammed that up. I ended up buying a new phone on Saturday but I have spent that last two days waiting for some dude from Ebay to send me the unlock code. It is a real bitch. I don’t want to have to leave negative feedback but I will do it. Hopefully I will be able to rejoin the world with a working phone sometime this afternoon.

Apparently a bomb with only one explosion wasn’t good enough for the U.S. military. A new warhead under development explodes like a standard missile but then every piece of shrapnel cast off by the explosion explodes when it hits any surface. Talk about a blood bath.

When most bombs go off, they release a spray of deadly shards of steel. Now, imagine that those shards were themselves explosive, detonating in a massive chain reaction. It’s for real: Defense contractors are harnessing the strange alchemy of reactive materials (RMs) — in which two or more inert materials are mixed to create an explosion — to develop smaller, more lethal warheads, as well as new ways to protect troops against mortar rounds and rocket-propelled grenades.

I like the defense argument in the last sentence there. Defense my ass. They are going to be using these things to blow the shit out of just about anything.

Original Story: Popular Mechanics

Well, this isn’t the only reason, but it sure does help…