Once out from the oppressive administration at colleges and universities, those partaking in somewhat organized co-ed sports leagues are forced to come up with their own creative and usually offensive or crude team names. Co-Ed Sports are a past-time for the quarter-lifers and is even called out as #65 of Stuff White People Like. Girls enjoy the opportunity to participate in sports for the semi-competitive atmosphere or their boyfriends are making them do it. Guys love the competitiveness no matter how drunk much the other team doesn’t care and it’s also their last hope at getting discovered for the MLB/NFL/NBA/PBA/MLS.
Gone are the simple team names from your adolescence, like “Wildcats,” “Bears,” “[Local Professional Sports Team Name],” and “Yankees.” Balls, poles, bases, bats, runs, and scoring, are turned into euphemisms for male genitalia, male genitalia, female genitalia, male genitalia, fecal matter, and mom jokes. Put a couple of these together and you have yourself a pretty clever team name.
TastyBooze staff members have played in numerous co-ed sports leagues (current team is Wu-Tang themed, Wu-Tang ain’t nothing to fuck wit!) and we’ve come up with our list of favorite team names below.
25 – I Scored With Your Mom (Baseball/Softball)
24 – Freebasers (Baseball/Softball)
23 - Back Dat Pass Up (Football/Soccer)
22 – Multiple Scorgasm (Any Sport)
21 – Triple Penetration (Bowling)
20 – Masterbatters (Baseball/Softball)
19 – Suck My Kick (Kickball/Soccer)
18 – Long Poles and Deep Holes (Golf)
17 – 2 Balls 1 Cup (Golf)
16 – Kick Tease (Kickball/Soccer)
The city of Seattle is pulling out all the stops to keep their NBA franchise, the Sonics. We’re currently bracing for a long and drawn out court proceeding that will decide the fate of the team: either staying in Seattle against David Stern and the NBA’s wishes, or ending up in Oklahoma City with Clay “Dickhead” Bennett. Yesterday’s Seattle Times article breaks down the whole situation nicely.
It might be too late though, as people are starting to jump ship to support their Northwest neighbors, the Portland Trailblazers. The team has a number of connections to Seattle - the Trailblazers’ owner is Paul Allen the owner of the Seattle Seahawks, the roster includes University of Washington grad and Seattle native Brandon Roy, as well as another local high school star Martell Webster.
Here’s another reason, not related to Seattle, the Blazers just confirmed that they’ll be importing Spanish sensation Rudy Fernandez to the roster next season. At first I didn’t care. But our friend at Enjoy The Enjoyment was nice enough to post this video:
Sure the soundtrack of “Smooth Criminal” helps, but Rudy is Filthy McNasty. Athletic, creates his own shot, can play D, fast, hops…total package. The Blazers are back!
Maybe not so much kill it as make money off of it. The supreme court turned down a case involving Major League Baseball and a Missouri company which will uphold the lower court’s ruling. The lower court said that sports companies do not need MLB’s approval to use player names and statistics.
But lower courts said the websites had a First Amendment right to publish information about the players’ performances on the field, just as the media do.
Fantasy baseball is huge. I’m really surprised that I hadn’t heard something about this case before. Had the MLB won fantasy leagues would have gone the way of sports video games. Only the biggest companies like ESPN and maybe Yahoo! would be able to pay the MLB whatever exorbitant fee they decided was necessary to use players’ names.
Who the fuck wants to play in a fantasy league that has to use fake names for the players like Harry Honds?
One week of regular season baseball down, an ass-load to go.
Ol Dirty’s thoughts on the way things are going can be summed up with one word. That is if ‘What the shit?’ were one word.
Things are crazy in the Majors right now. Baltimore is 5-1 after a 4 game SWEEP of the Mariners. Detroit is 0-6 with the 2nd highest payroll in baseball. A-Rod is earning more this year than all of the Florida Marlins, combined! Barry Bonds has no team. Dontrelle Willis sucks. And who the hell is Jeff Keppinger?
Players you want:
Jeff Keppinger - Cin SS He’s filling in for starter Alex Gonzalez (knee) but he’s also leading the league batting .435 . After his first week performance many are saying Keppinger will remain at the starting spot even after Gonzalez’s return. Ouch.
Brandon Inge - Det Util The most productive member of the Tigers’ offense, Inge is also filling the holes for the injured. Inge (AKA the bane of my existence last year) is hitting .316 with 2hr and 4RBI’s. While he stays playing, he’ll continue to do well.
Xavier Nady - Pit RF Named the NL player of the week with a league leading 9 RBI’s and 3HR’s Nady is gold. He will likely suck soon because he is on my team.
Ben Broussard - Tex 1B, RF This former Mariner has a God-awful batting average (.190) with only 4 hits. However, 3 of those hits are homeruns, one of which a Grand Slam. When he makes contact he crushes the shit. One of my favorite players, Broussard will rebound with more consistency. (Don’t quote me on this)
Micah Owings - Ari SP Get him now. Owings led the D-Backs to an 8-1 victory in a 2-hit, 6 2/3 inning performance, striking out 9 and walking 2. Cha-ching!
Next Ol’ Dirty Fantasy installment; Players you want less than Whitney Houston.
Yes, you read that correctly. Seems that a guy in New Zealand decided to toss a hedgehog at someone in a fight. Seriously, you couldn’t find a rock or something? At least throw one of the bazillion sheep they got down there. That could do some damage at least.
A police department spokesperson said, “People often get charged with assault for throwing things at other people,” though the weapon was admittedly a little uncommon. That’s like arresting OJ and saying, “Hey, people commit murder all the time, although a world class athlete/famous actor doing it is a little uncommon.”
The guy now faces up to 5 years in prison and up to 2 weeks of late night punchlines.
After the real football season (week 16 or 17 of the regular season depending on your league rules) comes to an end, there is not much out there to help the fantasy aficionado pass the time at work. Sure reading blogs and watching last nights Daily Show clips on YouTube is a good way to kill a couple of hours, but nothing compares to the constant trade scheming, stat tracking, waiver watching and lineup setting like fantasy sports. Sure you have fantasy basketball, and I play it to pass the time, but it doesn’t lend itself to the same excitement as the football season. Maybe its because no matter what I do, I can never win the 3pt and turnover categories. But more likely it is because how much can you really care about 1 more rebound, or 1 more point, or 1 of your 7 guards getting 1 more assist. Who cares…
Fortunately, fantasy baseball is right around the corner. The king of all fantasy sports, bar none. Draft times are being set and rankings are being dissected as we speak. Fantasy football is great because it all builds up to one day a week. Usually you are watching the games with your fantasy league friends, so you can talk shit to them while you are watching. But baseball is unmatched. The number of games, the detail of the stats (35% of people polled still aren’t exactly sure what WHIP is), mid-season call-ups, every kids childhood dream of being a ballplayer realized just a little bit. Plus, the shear number of players make for the most intense and dedication-necessary fantasy sport there is (read as, the best way to pass time at work - especially since it is doubly hard to focus on work as the weather gets nice).
Better yet, there are players named Evan Longoria expected to make big impacts this year. Evan Longoria, really? I am sure that as soon as Desperate Housewives dropped, his friends were primed and ready to make fun of him for the obvious. But then they realized he was a young baseball super-prospect, soon to be millionaire, who was probably banging every hot girl in cape cod, so they backed off. Obligatory pictures of Eva Longoria for your enjoyment…
Fantasy football owners around the country are trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with Shaun Alexander. A few hypotheses have been suggested.
1. He has a nagging or severe injury that we don’t know about? Unlikely. He avoids all contact and is the “most” Christian person in the NFL. God does not allow his children to suffer as Shaun will readily tell you.
2. Has he lost his touch? Possibly, money can do that.
3. He doesn’t care after earning his big contract with MVP numbers? Plausible, the drop off effect is a consistently observed in all professional sport leagues.
4. Shaun Alexander is a mole? Seems unlikely, but let’s look at the evidence.
Body:
Mole: small, rounded body, pointy snout and soft, fluffy brown or grey fur.
Shaun: 5-11/228 balding with large teeth.
Match: yes
Lifestyle:
Mole: Moles are active animals, working both day and night to feed themselves and construct burrows, where they live. The burrow of the mole is an elaborate unit, made of many chambers and entrances Moles travel through the soil in a method that looks similar to the breast stroke. Mole burrows often show themselves above ground as ridges, slightly elevated trails, or mounds of fresh dirt.
Shaun: Shaun is an active animal that eat, sleeps, prays, and runs for less than one yard quite often. Like a mole, while running, Shaun shies away from open holes or cutting it outside, instead preferring to burrow under the offensive line or simply take a knee. A run by Shaun is easily observed by the lack of effort once contact is initiated, or by the look of disgust that emerges on the face of a fantasy owner who drafted Shaun in the first round.
Match: yes
Interaction with people:
Mole: Moles endure a love-hate relationship with people. Often responsible for heavy crop, garden and lawn damage, moles are very often trapped or eradicated. However, the mole population is also responsible for aerating soil and fertilizing many crops. Trapping methods have proved largely unsuccessful in North America, where the mole lives in abundance.
Shaun: Shaun endures a hate-hate relationship with fantasy owners and Hawks fans. Often responsible for terrible Sundays, failing fantasy teams and lawn damage, Shaun will soon be trapped and released to the wild.
September 29th, 2007by Ol Dirty Curty · No Comments
The first bye week brings about perfect timing for a list of backup QB’s to start Sunday’s games. In a fantasy league with quarterback depth it kinda sucks to see that one of your starters isn’t playing Sunday because his (or her… Drew Brees) team has the week off. Luckily a bunch of starters have had their guts pounded by opposing defenses, or suck ass (Sexy Rexy) and they are riding the pine. It has been a nutty year for starting QB’s, time to take advantage.
Best Possible Pickups:
Daunte Culpepper- Likely already owned in your league, he will be replacing Josh McCown who has an injured toe (translation: Josh McCown is a pussy). McCown left Sunday’s game to cheers as Daunte, the crowd’s preferred starter, walked onto the field. This is an opportunity for Culpepper to take and mount the starting role and burn Miami’s secondary.
Brian Griese- The Rex Factor has FINALLY been benched. Chicago’s defense can’t carry his fat-ass weight any more. Griese has been released by 3 other NFL teams in his 10-year career due to inconsistencies. But let’s be honest, at this point, Griese craps on Rex. He has the ability and experience to calm down and be a leader to the desperate Bears. It won’t take much. Griese is also up against the worst passing defense in Detroit.
More iffy additions:
David Carr- Might play, might not play. Who knows? Jake Delhomme won’t need surgery on his injured elbow, but he missed his third straight practice Friday leading people to believe that Carr will start on Sunday. However, coach Foxx is keeping the lid on the quarterback secret as to not reveal to the Bucs their full starting lineup. Look at a game time decision for Carr to step up into the starter.
Kurt Warner- A fire has be lit under Matt Leinart’s ass and it comes in the form of a Super Bowl champ. Leinart will be starting but also ’sharing’ the QB spot with Warner this Sunday. Warner replaced Leinart in the 4th quarter of Week 3 against the Ravens and led the Cardinals to a 17 point comeback to tie it up. Monster receiver Anquan Boldin (hip) is listed as doubtful for this weeks game which takes some value away from both QB’s.
Sketchy pick-ups:
Kelly Holcomb- Likely to replace Tarvaris Jackson (groin) against Green Bay. He led the Vikings to a 13-10 loss to the CHIEFS in week 3. That should worry you.
Trent Edwards- Starting in place of J.P. Losman (sprained MCL). Expect absolutely nothing from Edwards as a starter as he went to Standford.
About to crumble:
Marc Bulger- Is playing with half a rib cage and with the St Louis O-Line in similar shape, expect a collapsed lung in the near future. I would bench him ASAP.
September 26th, 2007by Ol Dirty Curty · 5 Comments
Heading into Week 4 of the season we have some spicy issues to feast upon; the first being the raucous puss-fest being hosted by some of the leagues top running backs. A majority of the early fantasy picks continue to disappoint and leave us to wonder why we didn’t draft Marion Barber in the top 3. Taken number 1 in nearly 100% of all fantasy drafts, Ladainian Tomlinson (and the Chargers) continues to spiral away from his expectations. Pre-ranked at Number 2, Steven Jackson had his first 100 yard game on Sunday… just before he tore his junk muscle. He’ll likely be out for at least two weeks. Which brings us to Number 3, Larry Johnson. The name just pisses me off. Not only is he averaging fewer than 50 rush yards a game with ZERO touchdowns, the former NFL touches leader was auto drafted for me while I sat in a craphole coffee shop waiting for my POS computer to load java. I wanted Joseph Addai, who crept up to number 4 in the preseason rankings after my draft was complete. Addai is gold and I am trying to trade for his nuggets.
Do not give up on LT. If you were to dump him he would be picked up immediately and your friends would verbally bitch slap you for making such a stupid move. He is not performing horribly, and if he were any other running back you’d be saying ‘did you know he throws touchdowns too?’
Steven Jackson has given you an excuse to dump him. Ok, I’d probably pick him up if I saw him on the waiver wire, but I wouldn’t judge the person that dropped him. He is dead weight and it is unknown when he’ll come back. Move him to your bench and pick up Brian Leonard (Stevens’ back up) if possible. St. Louis’ o-line is falling apart, but you’ll look like a genius if Leonard does well. If not, just say ‘what the hell was I supposed to do?’ and trade for Larry Johnson.
Larry Johnson should be taken out back and shot. I have already traded him away for my niece’s best friend and a box of Altoids. I can wait no longer for him to turn his season around.
Other top running backs that irritate me:
Shaun Alexander has somehow managed to eke out 275 yards, mostly in the second half. He also has 2 touchdowns, yet I still want to defecate on him every time he touches the football. He is consistent and playing with a cracked (broken) hand, I’ll give him that. I’ll also give him a golden shower the next time he flops to the ground like it’s two-hand touch on the school yard.
Reggie Bush was not ranked as high as these others, but he is still a marquee player. Bush will be carrying the load of the rush after Deuce McAllister suffered a season ending torn ACL. Very few analysts think he will be able to succeed in this role. Bush is too flashy and lacking the gut busting factor held by the more powerful backs. I would actually abandon most Saints at this point. Bench them all (they’re on a bye week so that should make it easier).
Frank Gore because he is a bad-bad man and certifiably better than Shaun Alexander.
Joseph Addai because I can’t fool the owner that has him to give him to me.
September 19th, 2007by Ol Dirty Curty · 4 Comments
The Atlanta Falcons signed unrestricted free-agent QB Byron Leftwich on Tuesday to a 2-year, $7 million deal. Leftwich was cut from the Jacksonville Jaguars a week before the start of the regular season and has been looking for a home ever since.
Standard Fantasy Football Pundit Take: The Falcons are having an abysmal season, scoring only 10 points in the first two weeks, largely due to a lack of production from the unpredictable Joey Harrington. But the burden of 10 points in two games cannot lie solely on the shoulders of the faltering QB. Their O-line is decent but they have allowed 13 sacks. Some might say Harrington is holding onto the ball too long. Others might say he has no one besides Alge Crumpler who can catch a pass. Most agree Leftwich will help.
Ol’ Dirty’s Piece: Byron Leftwich is not the stud to turn this organization around, nor should he be expected to. A team has to suck a fatty to only score 10 points in two games, and a poor performance in all phases of the offense must be held responsible. The Falcons issues run deep, starting with the former face of their franchise heading into a serious ‘prison bitch’ sentence. Leftwich is not Peyton ‘I Can Turn Piss Into Gatorade’ Manning. If your league has depth (2 or more QB slots) and has more than 12 teams, you might consider picking him up after a few starts. Do not jump on this one. It’s a waste of a roster spot. However, Ol’ Dirty Curty has Trent Green and Brady Quinn for QB’s so he would consider picking up Michelle Kwan if she were on the waiver wire.
boyfriends are making them do it. Guys love the competitiveness no matter how drunk much the other team doesn’t care and it’s also their last hope at getting discovered for the MLB/NFL/NBA/PBA/MLS.
