What kind of an ass clown would pay for a billboard with the image of the twin towers burning?
The answer is Mike Meehan a businessman and musician. The “Please Don’t Vote For a Democrat” slogan on the board isn’t just a political statement it’s the title of Mike’s hot new track. That’s right, this dipshit put up this billboard to promote a song. Nothing like using the deaths of 3,000 people to pimp your music. Wait, which party was in office when the towers were attacked? And which party was in office when we decided to stop fighting the pricks that actually attacked us and go start a war in a completely unrelated country? And which party was in office when the second war became completely and totally fucked because the chuckleheads in office that started it don’t know the first thing about the people they are fighting?
I’m no political expert but I am pretty sure it wasn’t the democrats.
During a recent prostitution sting in Miami police busted a woman running a “brothel on wheels”. Christina Morta, entrepreneurial genius, was running a bus loaded with 5 prostitutes up and down the South Beach strip. The bus would stop to pick up Johns who would then pay to have various sex acts performed. This wasn’t just some shit box old school bus. Christina had a full on tour bus reportedly worth $250k. Anyone that wanted to board the bus had to cough up a $40 entry fee and then prices for “services” went up from there. Obviously the one flaw in this genius plan was customer screening. Christina was busted after an undercover cop was able to buy his way onto the bus.
I am no genius but I bet you could create an entire pornographic website based entirely around people having sex on a bus.
NOTE: That is not the actual “Bang Bus” pictured above. Hey that would be a good name for the website.
Check out this dipshit that tried to rob a convenience store with a palm-frond. The video shows the guy come in with the branch and shake it at the man behind the counter. The police report says that the genius was demanding $50. The frond was a Spanish bayonet, a palmetto-like plant with extremely sharp points on the leaves. So in all fairness this guy could have put an eye out but at the end of the video he gets chased out of the store by a guy armed with a wooden stool. If you robbery weapon can’t stand up to a wooden stool you might want to rethink your strategy.
If you are upset because your local Hot Topic has run out of ghosts you can dry your tears because John Deese is here to save the day. That’s right John sells ghosts. More specifically Mr. Deese sells ghosts that are in bottles. Let’s be honest, an unbottled ghost can be a real bitch, so you can’t beat the pre-bottled convenience.
How does Mr. Deese get these ghosts, you ask? He contracts with professional ghost catchers, dumbass. Of course Mr. Deese won’t say how he actually gets the ghosts into the bottles once the professionals have done their work. He considers that a trade secret.
“Well, if you went to KFC, you wouldn’t ask for secret recipe,” Deese said. “They’ll go in and catch them from haunted establishments, cars, hotels, maybe even graveyards.”
Genius. The Colonel’s recipe has been secret for almost 70 years so you can’t argue with that logic.
Of course there is a product page and just so you know a ghost is going to set you back about $20. There is an entire warning page on the site so don’t be fuckin’ around once you get your ghost in the bottle.
It is not recommended that you break or open the bottle. The intent of this product is for entertainment purposes only. We have had several customers open or break the bottle and contact us stating that unexplained things have occured in their homes and how could this activity be stopped?!
Zach Schreiber, 21, is in jail after trying to defend his love of Mariah Carey’s music. Schreiber was stopped at an intersection bumping some MC when another car carrying William Greenman, 22, stopped along side him. Apparently Greenman is not a Mariah fan (he’s probably upset about the fact she was recently taken off the market) and started shouting “profanities” at Schreiber to let him know how he felt. The two cars continued to the next intersection where Greenman continued to let Schreiber know how he felt about Mimi.
At this point Schreiber felt that he needed to take the matter of defending Mariah’s honor into his own hands and he winged at beer bottle at Greenman’s melon. Greenman was quick enough to duck but not quick enough to warn the driver, a girl that I am guessing is a Mariah fan, who was hit with the bottle.
Schreiber ended up being charged with “shooting a missile into a vehicle and criminal mischief.“
I feel bad for Schreiber because he was obviously provoked but why the hell was he driving down the street blasting Mariah Carey? If you are a dude, rolling solo and you are blasting MC you are begging for trouble. The only time that is remotely acceptable is if there are two or more girls in the car.
Either way both of these ass clowns are a couple of toolboxes. Greenman was probably upset because Schreiber was blasting Touch My Body and Greenman prefers Mariah’s pre-P. Diddy catalog.
Sure students in Florida think that a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy, bleach can prevent HIV and every week there is a new story about a hot teacher banging a student but that is all small potatoes. There is a new scourge running amok in Florida schools and district officials are looking to put an end to it fast. What is this scourge you ask? Only one of the most feared things in all the land, Wizardry! Fear not, because district officials have already fired the substitute teacher wizard responsible for trying to taint the minds of middle schoolers with his evil spells and shenanigans.
Jim “Gandalf” Piculas was called into the supervisor of substitute teachers office and told he had been accused of Wizardy after he performed a magic trick where he made a toothpick disappear and then reappear. Alright, this is so ridiculous I can’t even keep up my charade of mock horror. I don’t know what is more shocking. That a supposedly educated man would, with a straight face, accuse another man of Wizardry or that this ass clown holds a position of power in a school district and is in some way responsible for educating youth. Palming a toothpick makes you a wizard? If this supervisor of substitute teachers went to see David Copperfield his fucking head would probably explode.
A teacher in Florida (yes, I guess they are still crazy) is arguing that she was wrongly fired by the St. Lucie County School District because of an inappropriate “afterschool” job. It wasn’t just any job though, she was hired as a Bikini-wearing hot chick that walks around the boat on charter fishing expeditions. According to the Company’s website: “Can you think of two things that go together better then beautiful women and fishing?”
I can think of a few things, but do admit that it sounds pretty awesome. Anyway, back to the point. Clearly this probably isn’t the best thing to do for those teaching our youth (Biology of all subjects). But nonetheless, I ask again, where were all these teachers when I was a kid? I swear to god, if you didn’t have glasses and one of those real tight perms, you weren’t a female teacher in my school district. Now there are all these ex scandals and buxom blond bikini teachers running around. I need to pull an Adam Sandler and get back in the classroom.
More ridiculousness from the story:
1) The teachers defense of her bikini girl status was: “You don’t wear jeans or slacks to go fishing”
2) The charter boat Company was called “Smokin’ Em Charters” and was recently kicked out of the marina for violating the city’s family-friendly atmosphere
3) School officials say she was canned for missing more than 30 days of school this year, with two written reprimands for the absences - and didn’t even know about her second job until she complained
Goddamn it these batshit crazy Floridians just keep one upping each other. A man that had disappeared from a Florida hospital was found dressed as a doctor driving a stolen ambulance in North Carolina with a six point buck crammed in the back. The North Carolina Highway Patrol tracked Leon Holliman Jr., 37, in the stolen ambulance through three counties before they managed to puncture the tires and stop the ambulance. The cops knew they were dealing with a possible crazy but I don’t think anyone saw the deer coming.
“I don’t know how the man got it up in there,” said Sgt. Robert Pearson. “It was a six point buck.”
Even if you can find a way to explain the gold paint on your face the can of gold spray paint under the chair you are sitting in is really going to be the nail in the coffin. Who calls the cops on a guy huffing paint in an RV park? If he is chilling in his fold up chair who really cares? If you are going to get busted by the cops for drugs make it something good like meth or blow. Spray paint? What is this eighth grade?
Okay, posting this story was really just an excuse to post this clip from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you don’t watch the show you are really doing yourself a disservice. After huffing a shit ton of paint Charlie (he prefers silver) writes Day Man, one of the finest compositions ever created.
Two Florida boys ages 12 and 14 decided they wanted to get into the armed robbery game. Take a guess at what they decided to do.
A) Hit the local convienence store.
B) Go big and knock over a bank.
C) Rob the local police station.
If you chose option C you are either a genius or you are familar with just how bat shit crazy Floridians are. The two rhodes scholars entered the police station and approached a clerk sitting behind bullet proof glass. The 12 year old picked up the phone to speak with the woman behind the glass and said, “‘Put your hands up and give me your money,’ ” while gesturing that he had a gun in his coat pocket.
Everything was going smoothly, Danny Ocean style, until five cops fresh out of a defensive tactics course strolled into the lobby of the police station. Check out the video goodness to see the cops make short work of these criminal masterminds.
Apparently those Weight Watchers meals that Kirstie Alley is always hocking must not be that satisfying. Kelly Barber was caught shoplifiting cupcakes and a few other things after demonstrating Weight Watchers products at a local grocery store in Port St. Lucie, Florida. Really, no shit? Florida, I would have never guessed.
A loss prevention official (Read: the rent-a-cop that helps collect the baskets at the checkstands because he is so bored) reported that he saw Barber place the cupcakes, a book and some teeth whitening strips into a blue bin and then leave the store. Sounds like Kelly was probably looking for a sugar buzz after a long day of trying to convince people to buy shitty Weight Watchers frozen meals.
“When questioned, Kelly explained she just wanted to whiten her teeth and stated it was stupid she stole the items as she had never done this before,” the report states. “Kelly did not have an explanation for all the other items.”
Really, no explanation for the cupcakes? Was it stupid because she got caught or was it stupid because she got caught stealing junk food after trying to sell people diet food? Maybe if she had been trying to steal some delicious Florida oranges it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
I was sitting at work today, and this thought crossed my mind, “You know what this place needs? A gatt or two!” Well, if I lived in Florida, that could happen!
Backed by the NRA, the so-called “take-your-guns-to-work” measure was passed by the Florida Senate Wednesday and would prohibit business owners from banning guns kept in locked motor vehicles on their private property.
First off, I didn’t know I could legally be fired for this. If I want to keep my sawed-off locked in my Caprice and come out and stroke it during my lunch break, that’s none of my boss’ fucking business. Yes, I might accidentally shoot somebody on company property. Yes, my boss/company might be sued. Yes, I might be tempted to bring it inside if Chip from Accounting is asking too many questions. But that’s my god Florida-given right.
Dickhead bosses in Florida are not sleeping well tonight.
A) Drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV B) A shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy C) Smoking marijuana will prevent a person from getting pregnant D) All of the above
If you guessed D then you are the big winner. Three cheers for abstinence only sex education. Looks like it is really working. Lawmakers in Florida have finally removed their heads from their own asses and are now proposing a bill that would teach teens about such cutting edge medical breakthroughs as condoms, other methods of birth control and disease prevention. Jesus, slow down you don’t won’t to overwhelm them all at once.
If you don’t have any plans this weekend and you happen to have a spare $4K burning a whole in your pocket you can hop the next plane to Tampa and spend the weekend at Porn Camp. Your instructor will be Courtney Cummz (pictured right) and you will learn everything from porn pay scales, to set design to web site design. Set design!? Do they review which sofa materials are the easiest to clean bodily fluids off of? Or maybe they review the optimal way to arrange the lounge chairs on the pool deck.
Saturday at 1 p.m. is when the real dirty business will kick off. All of the attendees will be able to shoot their own porn scenes using local actors and they will retain the rights to whatever they film. Yeah, they will retain those rights for as long as it takes for them to upload their clip to RedTube.
I am all for people getting a little training. Frankly I am sick of the shoddy camera work and lack of production values that I have had to deal with lately.
Obviously it would be hard for anyone to do a thorough review of all universities across most of the country (there are obviously areas not worth bothering with, Dakotas I’m looking at you). Going through the list of these schools, I could probably validate at least half of the schools, based on personal experience, visiting the campuses, going to sporting events or watching a game on TV.
As you’ve probably guessed, many of the top schools are in the California, Arizona, Florida, Georgia and some of the other Southern states. The East Coast needs to step it up! Each university profile includes pictures of the school’s co-eds, cheerleaders and some famous alumni. Here’s some of my feedback:
#46 Oregon State - Having the reigning Playboy Playmate of the Year should at least get you into the top 20. #41 Washington State - Most of the pictures feature the girls drinking beer. Hot! (Go Cougs vs. UNC this week!) #40 Stanford - Overrated. As usual. #26 UNLV - One bad semester away from being a stripper. Fine by me. #15 Clemson - Girls in orange are always hot! (Sorry, Syracuse, you didn’t make the list!)
#7 UCLA - Now I’m even more upset that I missed last week’s Undie Run!
#5 Ole Miss - Sure, they probably have some good candidates, unfortunately none of them were pictured. #1 Arizona State - Agreed!
