Nothing is more awkward than being the groundskeeper that heads out and waters the golf course with a tank full of industrial strength weed killer.
Fairways are usually sprayed with a light weed killer, but last month the turf was thoroughly watered with a solution of industrial-strength Gallup 360 - a systemic herbicide designed for the drying out or “desiccation” of grassland.
Apparently the Haywards Heath Golf Club which opened in 1922 was in the best condition it had been in in years, before the weed killer of course. I don’t know much about building golf courses but I have to imagine it will take months possibly years before the course recovers. This is like the ultimate revenge after getting fired not something that you do on accident.
Let me set the stage here: Professional Golfer/Drinker John Daly playing in a Pro-AM tournament in Michigan. Pro-AM Partner: Detroit’s own Kid Rock (wearing appropriate golf attire of overalls). Shot: Golf ball teed up on a 24 oz. can of Budweiser. Result: AWESOME! Even more impressive, Daly’s ability to leave the can after the tee shot, but Kid Rock is there to pick up scraps.
Once out from the oppressive administration at colleges and universities, those partaking in somewhat organized co-ed sports leagues are forced to come up with their own creative and usually offensive or crude team names. Co-Ed Sports are a past-time for the quarter-lifers and is even called out as #65 of Stuff White People Like. Girls enjoy the opportunity to participate in sports for the semi-competitive atmosphere or their boyfriends are making them do it. Guys love the competitiveness no matter how drunk much the other team doesn’t care and it’s also their last hope at getting discovered for the MLB/NFL/NBA/PBA/MLS.
Gone are the simple team names from your adolescence, like “Wildcats,” “Bears,” “[Local Professional Sports Team Name],” and “Yankees.” Balls, poles, bases, bats, runs, and scoring, are turned into euphemisms for male genitalia, male genitalia, female genitalia, male genitalia, fecal matter, and mom jokes. Put a couple of these together and you have yourself a pretty clever team name.
TastyBooze staff members have played in numerous co-ed sports leagues (current team is Wu-Tang themed, Wu-Tang ain’t nothing to fuck wit!) and we’ve come up with our list of favorite team names below.
25 – I Scored With Your Mom (Baseball/Softball)
24 – Freebasers (Baseball/Softball)
23 - Back Dat Pass Up (Football/Soccer)
22 – Multiple Scorgasm (Any Sport)
21 – Triple Penetration (Bowling)
20 – Masterbatters (Baseball/Softball)
19 – Suck My Kick (Kickball/Soccer)
18 – Long Poles and Deep Holes (Golf)
17 – 2 Balls 1 Cup (Golf)
16 – Kick Tease (Kickball/Soccer)
I have never understood golf courses. They love to send cute chicks around to sell you beer, but if they catch you watering their foliage after you’ve had 4 or 5 beers they get their panties all in a bunch. As a result booze loving golfers end up in a jam. You can’t pee outside and you sure as hell aren’t trekking all the way back to the clubhouse to piss inside. Well the UroClub is here to save the day. The UroClub looks exactly like a 7-iron but it is hollow and comes with a nice privacy towel. Simply pop the top, attach the towel to your belt, drop your zipper and then get down to business.
The UroClub™ is intended to eliminate anxiety and any feeling of uneasiness on the course. It can be emptied at the nearest restroom or later on, when the golfer returns home.
Capacity: Over half a liter, twice the volume commonly urinated.
Length: Like a standard 7 Iron
Golf has been around for over 250 years and we are just now inventing this? I sometimes seriously question how the human race has made it this far.
This is good ol’ John Daly knocking the ball around his course, Murder Rock Golf and Country Club. As you can tell, this isn’t a normal country club, with their uptight dress codes; big John likes to let his titties hang out when he’s golfing. Looks like he’s in prime tourney shape. Wonder when Phil “Piggy Tits” Mickelson is gonna let it all hang out?
If you’re this dumb, I guess you deserve a shot in the nuts. People just keep proving Darwin correct, don’t they? I don’t even think I’d let Tiger Woods try this one on me, unless I could wear a cup and stick a tee out of one of those little holes. I definitely wouldn’t let him take a wedge shot out of the medium rough.
On Sunday evening, Murray hit the town with some golfers who had participated in the Scandinavian Masters tournament. When the evening’s festivities at Café Opera drew to a close, he hopped into a golf cart and made a beeline for his hotel.
Soon however police asked the American actor to pull over when they suspected that he may have been driving the buggy while under the influence of alcohol.
“He was driving very, very slowly on the footpath along Birger Jarlsgatan. He took a break for a while at a Seven Eleven before driving on home to the Hotell Anglais.”
The officer, who described Murray as “very pleasant”, added that he had never before come across a golf cart in the city centre during his thirty years in the force.
I didn’t even know they had 7-Eleven in Sweden. Obviously Bill stopped for a sixer as a night cap. It is great that he refused to take a breathalyzer but the cops still describe him as “pleasant”. It must be those kick ass acting skills. Anytime I have seen anyone refuse to follow a cop’s instructions it turns into a “who is the bigger asshole” match pretty quick.
When it comes to ways to entwine your life with beer on a more consistent basis, this has got to be up there with the great ones. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we are growing old - quickly. If we want sports to remain in our lives, those such as basketball, football and soccer are going to have to take a back seat. And like manna from heaven, along comes golf. Both a way to get ahead in your career and be involved in an activity that still require a “ball” of some sort. Fortunately for us beer drinkers, golf doesn’t require much running, or even moving of any kind. And a sport that doesn’t require running (see bocce ball, horseshoes, bowling), requires beer. And lets be honest, that stupid drinking cart never comes around often enough…
When it comes to ways to entwine your life with beer on a more consistent basis, this has got to be up there with the great ones. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we are growing old - quickly. If we want sports to remain in our lives, those such as basketball, football and soccer are going to have to take a back seat. And like manna from heaven, along comes golf. Both a way to get ahead in your career and be involved in an activity that still require a “ball” of some sort. Fortunately for us beer drinkers, golf doesn’t require much running, or even moving of any kind. And a sport that doesn’t require running (see bocce ball, horseshoes, bowling), requires beer. And lets be honest, that stupid drinking cart never comes around often enough…
