I’m sure many of you out there are perfectly well- behaved when you go out to eat. However, many of you jerks are not, so here is a list of what you’re doing to piss off the person serving you.
1. You ask stupid questions.
If you can’t be bothered to read the goddamn menu before you ask inane questions that could easily be answered by a 3 second glance at that big card in front of your face, your server is not going to be happy with you.
2. You take too long.
Instead of immediately commencing the yappity-yap with the same people you’re going to be sitting with for the next hour, take a moment to figure out what the hell you want to eat. And once you’re done, and you’ve paid your bill, if you sit at your table for another hour, guess what you’ve become? A big fat farting roadblock for new customers to get into your server’s section. You eat, you pay, you leave. You can always talk about goddamn American Idol in the parking lot.
3. You get drunk and act like a jerk.
Servers don’t really care that much if you’re a little drunk, but you have to remember this simple equation. How nice you are to your server (and how much you tip) needs to increase at a rate that is directly proportionate to how drunk you are. If you’re getting sloshed, be nice and tip well, and you’ll be okay.
4. You need to modify everything you order.
Listen Meg Ryan, unless you have like 15 different allergies, there is no need to make a bunch of changes to the item you order. You want a salad instead of fries with your burger? OK princess, we can make that happen. But that’s it. You get one modification per meal. And if you even think about asking for a little taste of each dessert instead of one, you’re going to get brained with a pepper mill.
Getting into a war with your roommate is always a dangerous proposition. It can definitely be a good way to teach them a lesson, but you have to think about how they are going to take it. This video might be a little old, but is definitely a great way to teach your roommate about slamming the door in the morning.
Running out of clever pick up lines at the bars and clubs? Well, now you should let your magic tricks do the talking. SloshSpot posted a list of 10 Cool (And Free) Magic Bar Tricks. Each of the tricks is accompanied by a “How To” video to learn the trick yourself and hopefully repeat later at the bar - without burning the place down.
The below video is my favorite, it involves removing a cork from inside a wine bottle. This is something that will definitely WOW the older folks and my parents will be so impressed! And worse case scenario, you can always just break the bottle open if you don’t succeed.
This one might be a little hard at the bars, so you may have to use the failsafe approach of whipping out your Lexus credit card.
On May 15 we laid down the rules of fist bumping. Understand that fist bumping is a general term, we know people call it a number of other things: daps, fist pound, locking-it-up, gay, knuckles, etc. Whatever you call it, the fist bump has been around for a long time and has a number of different origins. Last week, the fist bump entered the spotlight thanks to Obama and his wife, so everyone who was never cool enough to give or receive a fist bump thought it was the new hotness.
The New York Post wrote an article discussing this cultural phenomenon and came calling to TastyBooze for our input. Here’s an excerpt of the article:
With the fist-pound in the national spotlight, it’s easy to forget that some had already considered it past its prime. Bud Light declared it “over” in their 2007 “face-slap” Super Bowl commercial, and after viewing a picture of two white men in suits fist-pounding to celebrate a business deal, the Web site tastybooze.com recently posted a list of rules as a declaration against “inappropriate fist bumping.”
While Obama broke the rule that “if you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk,” two other rules let him off the hook.
“If somebody puts the fist up for you to bump, you have to bump it back,” says … Mr. Wonka. “And if a girl puts a fist bump up for you, there’s absolutely no situation at all where you can refuse it. Absolutely none.”
Good stuff, Obama, way to follow the rules…we’re still working on Letterman. We’re sure the summer will be filled with many fist bumps to come and if you want to see that Bud Light commercial, go here.
Two German air force sergeants were suspended recently for doing some business on the side of their military careers. And what was this unacceptable business venture? Nothing more than selling sausages based on an old family recipe. What’s the problem there, right? Oh yeah, the recipe required human blood.
Seems that they started off using their own blood, but they were so damn successful, eventually they couldn’t keep up. So they started asking their friends and colleagues for a few pints, and it was all downhill from there. Nice move, boys.
I’m reminded of a great scene from Groundhog Day:
Rita: I think it’s a nice story. He comes out, and he looks around. He wrinkles up his little nose. He sees his shadow or he doesn’t see it. It’s nice. People like it.
Phil: You are new, aren’t you? People like blood sausage too. People are morons.
Need to take a piss while in a meeting? Rub your leg. Uncontrollable coughing? Stick a finger in your ear. The Economic Times has complied a list of solutions to awkward work situations ranging from coughing to crying (look up). While the list is practical, it offers no help for more particular awkward situations like getting caught masturbating in your cubicle (tell them you have cancer, so it really doesn’t matter), or drunk driving into your office building (hey, I got here on time didn’t I?).
An Australian man searched online for a number of ways to kill himself and settled on designing a killer robot to help him do the deed. Fox News has the story from the Gold Coast of Australia. The whole plan seems really thought out, he has notes about why he killed himself, the decision on where to do it and the history of his searches for his method for suicide.
The 81-year-old man set up the robot to shoot him in the head multiple times after he was activated. Talk about a cold-blooded suicide. Damn. I mean, I am no expert on suicide or anything, but I have to think there was a better, no efficient and less painful way to go, but maybe that’s just me. Not to mention, you live on the Gold Coast of Australia and live alone, why the hell would you want to commit suicide?!
Just A Guy Thing posted an interesting article on flirting that seems to be all the rage today. The article is pretty much “Flirting for Dummies,” going over the differences between how men and women flirt, the keys to flirting successfully and how technology has impacted flirting (text messaging, holler!).
The Dutch have a way with words:
Dutch-born psychoanalyst Manfred Kets de Vries blames the male super-ego. “A man behaving selfishly will ignore the implicit conduct of flirting in the blatant pursuit of sex.” He’s basically saying that if we were in a cave, the man would fling the woman over his shoulder and stomp away.
Up until now, my tool for flirting was R. Kelly’s “I’m A Flirt“, from Kells himself:
When U Bring Em Round Me / Let Me Remind U That I Am The King Of R&B / Do U Know What That Means / That Means If U Love Yo Chick / Don’t Bring Her To The VIP / Cuz I Might Leave Wit Yo Chick
A recent research study in Denmark has made the outlandish, but really exciting claim that a few drinks a week (1 a day for women, up to 2 a day for men) may be so beneficial to your health, that they may be used in place of some exercise.
Before you get too excited, no one is saying that there is a formula or a direct ratio (1 beer = 20 min. on the treadmill for example). But the main gist of the article is that exercise is great, and a few drinks are great, but when used IN CONJUNCTION, they were amazingly beneficial! In fact, in many cases,if you have to choose between the two, alcohol may be the better choice.
Translation, work out, then go get drunk. Or if you can’t do both, it’s martini time. Make room for checking out TastyBooze somewhere in there, though…
Goddamn it I wish I had the balance and strength to pull off the Tony Hawk. Just so that I could brag to my friends that I did it. I am going to have to disagree with the last one. First of all I always like the Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit when I was a kid so this kind of ruins it for me. Secondly unless you are an employee and are there after hours you probably aren’t going to be alone in that ball pit. So while I would definitely give anyone who pulled it off extra points for difficulty if you did get caught you would probably be looking at some serious pedophilia charges.
Everyone loves top ten lists! Being a fan of rap, but not usually of mainstream stuff, I thought I might do my part for humanity and give you faithful readers a list of some great rap songs that, if not for your boy here, you might miss altogether. If you’re a true fan of hip-hop (not just garden variety shit), I’m sure there might be one or two on here that you’ve already heard, and if so, don’t give me too much shit about it. Hopefully there will still be a bunch that are new, and you’ll get some new stuff on your iPod. Here we go:
10. Cali To New York - Black Eyed Peas feat. De La Soul
Before the Black Eyed Peas got retarded (literally and figuratively), they were actually a great hip-hop group. This song has a great beat, and some great lyrics from the De La boys (”my career’s dirty compared to yours, you all washed up…”)
9. Feel The Music - Foreign Legion
This is a trio from San Francisco that consists of a weirdo DJ, a nerdy white rapper, and a former football linebacker-turned-rapper. It’s a great dance-rap background, with some funny lyrics, just a great summer driving song. Trust me, look it up.
8. Limit - Deichkind
The best (and probably only) German rap song you will ever hear. Weird ass Beastie Boys-esque beat, and the novelty of German rap with American slang phrases thrown in. It also has one of the weirdest and greatest videos EVER, check it out on youtube here. (You didn’t think I’d make it through the list without mentioning Germany, did you?)
7. When I Be on the Mic - Rakim
One half of the famous rap duo Erik B and Rakim, this song came out well after the peak of their popularity (like 12 years after), but it’s produced by the prolific DJ Premiere, and has just a great beat, with some sleek, steady rapping over it. A great song to have on your iPod.
6. A Day at The Races - Jurassic 5
This one may not be too obscure, but it certainly never got as much attention as it deserves. It’s got fucking Big Daddy Kane on it, for god sake! Just another showcase of Jurassic 5 taking an impossibly fast beat for a hip-hop song and making it work beautifully.
5. Witness - Roots Manuva
Far and away the best rapper from Britain, this is a great showcase of his talent. A fun, groovy song, with a HILARIOUS video to go along with it. In it, Roots goes back to his elementary school and competes against kids in hopes of capturing a field day trophy that eluded him as a child. Pure hilarity. Watch it on youtube here.
4. The Ass - Pharoahe Monch
Definitely NSFW, but a great song. Monch plays on the traditional “look how much I can disrespect women in 16 bars” hip-hop mentality, by giving us alternating verses by him talking about his sexual conquests, and a female rapper (Apani) talking about her complaints about the supposedly thuggish lovers she has comes across (pun intended). Just a great song.
3. Finger Paint - Zion I
If you don’t know Zion I, you really are not into progressive rap at all. This song is just great. When the beat drops in at around the 30 second mark, it’s amazing.
2. Alphabet Aerobics - Blackalicious
The beat starts slow and gets gradually faster and more intricate as MC Gift of Gab runs (literally) through the alphabet from A to Z while trying to keep up with the ever increasing speed of the beat. Probably the most original rap song of all time.
1. Respiration - Black Star feat. Common
One of the best rap songs ever. A gorgeous beat, and you got Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and Common on the track. Are you kidding? Just amazing lyrically, musically, and with some of the best sonic architecture (by DJ Hi-Tek) you’re gonna hear in a rap song. There’s at least 40 words in this song you’re never going to hear in another rap song, and probably 10 where you’d have a hard time finding another rapper who even knew them. The video on youtube is here.
Enjoy them, and pass it along. Great music has to spread faster than bad music, right? It’s like an antibiotic for an infection. Britney has the number 1 song on iTunes, for fuck’s sake. Let me know what you think, what I left out, etc. (where is Dead Prez? for example) in the comments.
MensHealth wrote up a list of the 5 things you should never say to a woman. Let’s run down the list real quick.
1. “Relax”
2. “I love you” (During a fight)
3. “It’s up to you.” (A.K.A. “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”)
4. “You knew I was this way when you married me.”
5. (Nothing)
None of these are really that surprising and I think I have used all of them at least once except for #4. Speaking of #4 you have to be a real dumbass to bust that out. You might as well just pull the gun out and shoot your big toe. My lady friend can attest to the fact that I am pretty much a goddamn professional when it comes to #5. When in doubt I just sort of lock up. Now that I see #5 has made it onto this list by the men geniuses at MensHealth I am going to have to adjust my tactics.
Watch the video below to learn how that hot blonde you let send a text message from your phone at the bar last Friday might have fucked you over for a grand.
[NOTE TO SELF]
1. Find blonde/scam artist who likes sending text messages.
2. Setup “Joke of the Day” service.
1. You ask stupid questions.
