Summer is here.  And for those of you with kids, often times that means water slides.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Actually though, I went to a water park a couple years ago on a whim with the guys.  It was an effing blast, but we were certainly the oldest non-parents there by a solid decade.

Many people would say that the 4th of July is the great American holiday becuase it’s the day that we declared our indepdence from the tea-taxing-limeys. While I won’t argue with that, I would say that the 4th of July is the great American holiday because it’s the one day of the year that every dude basically gets a free pass to do whatever the fuck he wants. Eat shitty food? Done. Drink to much beer? Done. Blow shit up? Done. No other holiday is bringing to the table what the 4th of July is bringing to the table.

Cheese IN the hot dogs - All year long the cheese-in-the-dog is frowned upon by society but the 4th of July is the one day men everywhere can enjoy the greatest food advancement since bacon without shame. And the cheese hot dog is really just symbolic of the fact that on the 4th you can eat all the shit that your doctor tells you not to and you can do it in the name of patriotism.

Stars & Stripes Apparel - It’s the only time when you can wear that Stars & Stripes t-shirt/speedo/jean jacket/bandanna/shorts that you secretly love and will come off as bring patriotic and not a total douche.

Drinking - Thankfully this year it falls on the weekend but the 4th of July is generally the one day a year where every guy in America can get fall down drunk on a weekday and not be thought less of for it.

Fireworks (In Two Parts) - A) A lot of cities and townships have anal retentive policies towards blowing shit up on the 4th. That being said it’s still the one day a year where you can blow shit up for 8 straight hours without much concern for your neighbors or the cops. B) Fireworks makes ladies horny, it’s science. I can’t find the study right now but trust me, nothing gets a lady going like explosions.

Medical Advancements - It used to be that if you miss timed the fuse on the cherry bomb you were looking to drop into the toilet and lost a finger you were fucked. However in this day and age they can reattach just about anything as long as you have most of the pieces.

During these hard economic times, people are more likely to cut back on their unnecessary spending and in regards to relationships, giving “Love Coupons” instead of actual presents. Be careful of what you’re writing these I.O.U.s for, as they might come back and bite you in the ass (literally).

It takes time for the electromagnetic waves of our TV broadcasts to travel out into space which means if there is anyone out there on distant stars monitoring our broadcasts they’ve got some kick ass TV coming their way. I mean anyone chilling out on Wolf 359 and/or Sirius still have Janet Jackson’s boob headed their way. On the other hand those poor bastards out on Regulus and/or Mizar haven’t even seen the first baseball game that was ever broadcast on TV.

Click the image for the full size view.

via Abstruse Goose

This thing is fucking brilliant. It’s like the classic Battleship except with booze involved. If you take a hit, you take a shot. It was designed by Mauricio (Tony) Harion, from Belo Horizonte, Brazil and hopefully some toy company will cut Tony a giant check ASAP so that they can license this thing and start selling it in the U.S.

It looks like the game has a good amount of booze on the board but not so much that it would take an hour to finish a game. However I wouldn’t mind seeing a five shot aircraft carrier floating somewhere on that board.

via Gizmodo

Texts From Last Night has become one of my favorite sites recently. I enjoy finding texts from the 206 and 425 area codes and guessing which of my friends could have sent the text. This one, for example, was an easy one to figure out. However, this one is pretty impressive:

(231): we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

I couldn’t imagine this. If I’m that hungover, I need to be somewhere laying down and there can’t be anything around me that reminds me of alcohol, especially the smell of warm beer in the morning.

Original Text: TFLN

“Probe fingers 1,800 American Apparel workers”

Come on Reuters, why are you trying to make me think 1,800 employees are being finger blasted? You are referring to a company that was founded by a guy who is known for doing copious amounts of blow and walking around the office naked.

The actual story is about a Federal Investigation that found up to 1,800 workers in American Apparel’s Los Angeles factories may have “gained employment due to “suspect and not valid” eligibility documentation.”

The kid in the gold shiny leggings has nothing to do with the story. I just thought it was funny that American Apparel actually sells them for kids. I guess you’re never to young for hot pants.

Original Story: Yahoo! News

I’m going to be honest, I kind of want to try this stuff. It’s never made sense to me that we only use dry toilet paper to clean our asses. It makes no fucking sense. We are supposed to be the greatest country in the world and yet we are constantly trying to clean peanut butter out of shag carpet with a dry paper towel. It’s just fucking ludicrous

Product Page: Aaah!

Without fail, if a television reporter is setting up for a live shot, there are going to be people around who start gathering and try to get their mugs on camera. If you’re in Las Vegas, there’s a pretty good chance that the people getting all up in your live shot are going to be drunk. Even when the story is on Michael Jackson’s death, they still have no respect. I would love to see what happened when they cut away.

This falls into that “Really!? How many people signed off on this desgin and nobody fucking noticed this!?” category. I’ve got to believe there is some twat in the design department that noticed or designed it on purpose and is now just sitting back laughing his ass off that the suits actually let it get to market.

via Tabloid Prodigy

Southwest Airlines is starting to get out of control during this economic slowdown.  Whether you like it or not, you are heading out of town upon request.

Nothing sparks backyard party/BBQ like someone attempting to chug a beer, then getting hit in the head with a pan and pushed to the ground. Now this guy is going to wake up in the morning with a headache for two reasons.

This is some pretty impressive art work and is much more creative compared to just drawing penises on people with a Sharpie. An added bonus is that these people will wake up smelling minty fresh, not their mouths, just in general.

For the first time in a long time I’m feeling sore on a Monday morning not from the booze but from actual exercise. The fiancee and I ran in the inaugural Rock And Roll Marathon in Seattle on Saturday. It was my first half marathon and as TJ Lavin would say we, “Killed it.” We managed to beat our goal time of 2 hours with a 1:58:27. Not fucking shabby. Enough with my bullshit, for those of you that are feeling sore from the piss enjoy these photos of Jemimah.