I love the dad filming here. He’s so insensitive because it’s not his kid, it’s hilairous. That kid had to be in some pain though. Those skee balls are pretty hard and heavy.

I don’t know if I want to commend this kid for a kick ass prank or if I want to punch him in the face for wasting so much beer.

Back in October of 2006 the then 13-year-old German teenager broke into a Düsseldorf arena and opened three beer taps in the VIP seating area. About 1,400 liters (369.84 gallons) of beer seeped through several levels of the stadium, through a conference room and finally ended up in the parking garage. One stadium official said that the beer stench was so overwhelming they couldn’t used the beer-soaked conference room for over a year. The two beer bandits were easily apprehended thanks to crystal clear surveillance footage.

I think in the end I would have to punch this kid in the face. I mean it’s a funny prank and all but next time turn on the bathroom sinks and waste water instead of precious beer.

Original Story: The Local

“The boy had been pranking around in the garden having a competition with his cousin, when they were breaking wind and lighting it. Right behind him was a petrol can and that just flashed. I think he must have won the competition but he will have some nasty burns now.”

Whether it’s your ass or a can of hair spray if you are going to play with fire it’s best to make sure there aren’t gas cans lying around. This 12 year old kid who was just trying to innocently light his farts on fire now has burns on his thumbs and the back of his legs. I do concur with the police officer, if your fart manages to spark off a can of gas you definitely win the fart lighting competition.

Original Story: The Register

No internet-photoshop-tomfoolery here that is Jamison Stone standing with the 1,000-pound wild hog that he dropped last year in Alabama. Good Christ, that thing looks like it could eat an 11 year old kid. Of course Jamison hasn’t exactly been able to enjoy his prize kill. Some ass-clown animal rights activist in New York is claiming Jameson should be prosecuted for animal cruelty because it took nine shots to kill the hog. It’s a 1000-pound-fucking-wild-boar how many shots do you think it is going to take to kill it? Sure they might be in Alabama but they at least have enough sense not to give an 11 year old a fucking elephant gun (most of the time).

“You should see some of the emails and hear some of the calls we have received,” Jamison’s father said. “They are explicit. They tell how they are going to kill my son, like cutting his head off.

What kind of a person threatens the life of a kid over an animal? The kind of person that needs to climb down out of their sad little “I heart animals” tower and step back into reality, that’s who.

Original Story: Fox News

You try to give your child one of the following names:

A) Fish and Chips
B) Yeah Detroit
C) Keenan Got Lucy
D) Sex Fruit
E) Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii

Actually all of the above names were submitted by parents in New Zealand to the office of the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages, and all of them except one was rejected. Got any guesses as to which name a little girl has been living with the for last nine years? If you guessed Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii then you are the big winner. A judge in New Zealand recently made Talula a ward of the court so that the court could legally change her name. Apparently the girl was so embarrassed (can’t blame her there) that not even her closest friends knew her real name.

Not a single one of the kids whose parents tried to give them one of the above names has a shot. Sex Fruit!? What the fuck do you have to be smoking to think that is a good name for a kid. Can’t we come up with some kind of aptitude test?

Original Story: Yahoo News

It’s been a week since we posted the picture of this scuffed up baby and asked for your best caption. We had a lot of good entries but in the end there was only one caption that made it onto everyone’s top two list. Congratulations go to Tony for having the best caption of the bunch. Keep an eye on your email and we will get a hold of you to get NCAA Football 2009 out to you for the console of your choosing.

If you want to survive preschool, you have to kick someones ass the first day or become someones bitch. –Tony

You bet your ass that the caption contest is back. We have had some good pictures in the past but this one is a doozy. The contest will be open until next Sunday night at which time the Tasty Booze brain trust will gather and determine a winner. The only requirement is that you give us a valid email address so that we can contact you if you win. Just like last time only one comment counts so make sure you put a little thought into it before you submit your entry. If you leave 5 comments only the first one will be considered for judging. The prize this time around is NCAA Football 2009 for the console of the winner’s choice (XBox 360, Wii, PSP, PS2, PS3).

If you think I look bad you should see that furry red bitch Elmo. He’s going to have a hard time laughing with his jaw wired shut.

How many points do you get for writing “Fuck Off” on your English exam? If you are in the U.K. apparently you get two points.

“It would be wicked to give it zero, because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for - like conveying some meaning and and some spelling,” examiner Peter Buckroyd told the Times.

Right, because you wouldn’t want to upset the precious snowflake that told you to “Fuck Off”. Mr. Buckroyd went on to say that this star pupil could have possibly scored three points with the answer if he would have added an exclamation point. The answer was written in response to the question, “Describe the room you’re sitting in.”

I do agree that is kind of a bullshit question.

Original Story: Metro.co.uk

I am sure the poor bastard in this video had no idea what was coming but I think this had to be staged. No on is going to waste film on some dipshit jumping in puddles unless they know one of those puddles happens to be neck deep.

The fist bump is everywhere this week… I would like to nominate it for having the Best Week Ever on “Best Week Ever“. Obama and wife locked up a fist bump after securing the Democratic nomination earlier this week, and just last night David Letterman gave props to Julia Roberts in the form of a fist bump during the “Late Show“.

Upon examining the rules of fist bumping and applying them to the situation, it’s hard to tell if this was a acceptable fist bumping occasion. Letterman was discussing a recent encounter that Roberts had - she confronted paparazzi that were following her and taking pictures of her family at her kids’ school - Letterman asks for the fist bump, saying, “Nice going, way to go, give me one of those. Yeah, get in there on that.” Roberts locks it up, but then comments that it was her first time fist bumping, to which Letterman responds with another bump, since he doesn’t want to leave her hanging.

The rules of a man-to-woman or woman-to-man fist bump is vague. We’ll give them a pass here, as obviously Roberts was a fist bumping virgin, but they both knew well enough to not leave the other hanging (simple carry over from high-fives). If this was Leno on the other hand, I would have mercilessly mocked and chastised him for all of eternity (oh wait, I already do).

Here’s the video from the interview. The fist bump takes place at the 6:25 mark:

Marya Green realized she was piss drunk and shouldn’t be driving herself and her three kids around town. Did she:

A) Let the 8 year old drive.
B) Let the 5 year old drive.
C) Put the 1 year old on her lap and let him drive.

That’s right, the police officer found Marya working the pedals with the one year old in her lap holding the wheel. I can’t even comprehend the logic here. Was she just too drunk to figure out how to strap the kid into the car seat? On the not so surprising side this is Marya’s third DUI. No shit!? I would never guess that a lady who was dumb enough to put her one year old at the wheel would be dumb enough to get multiple DUIs.

Original Story: WLWT.com

Of course this happened in Florida. This cell phone footage shows a teacher wrestling with a 14 year old student in the middle of a classroom filled with other students. I’ve got no problem with the teacher opening a can of whoop ass on the little bastard but you have to remember to confiscate all cell phone cameras before you re-enact last nights episode of WWE Smackdown.

via 107.9 WSRZ

Julie Landry, 46, was arrested on cruelty to a juvenile charges after it was reported that she made a student unclog a toilet with his hands. Trevor Williams, 7, reportedly used a few to many shit tickets and clogged up the toilet. When Landry found out about it she told Trevor that he had to go unplug the toilet and if he did it again she would make “him pull it out with his teeth.” Landry then forced Trevor to unclog the toilet with his bare hands.

I am sure most people find this story disgusting. Due to a shared life experience known as being fraternity brothers in the WSU greek system Honcho, Yerzimbeck, and I have a slightly different take on this story. Our email exchange is below.

Mitch Martin to Hank Yerzimbeck, Mike Honcho
Sent 5/14/08 1:29 p.m.
Subject: Check out this story

http://www.wxix.com/Global/story.asp?S=8316747

At least the kids classmates didn’t keep using the toilet before he had to clean it out.

Mike Honcho to Hank Yerzimbeck, Mitch Martin
Sent 5/14/08 1:34 p.m.
Subject: Re: Check out this story

Used too much toilet paper? Right. Either it was the greasiest shit ever, or this guy (7 year old) takes monster dumps.

Would have sucked to have to unclog it with his teeth…bobbing for turds?

Hank Yerzimbeck to Mike Honcho, Mitch Martin
Sent 5/14/08 3:18 p.m.
Subject: Re: Check out this story

I don’t see why you’d get fired for something like this. Maybe it’s just that living in a frat really changes your perspective on things like pulling poop out of a toilet and sliding on your stomach butt naked on a floor covered with beer and piss

Mitch Martin to Hank Yerzimbeck, Mike Honcho
Sent 5/14/08 3:23 p.m.
Subject: Re: Check out this story

Yeah it really desensitizes you to the whole “handling human feces” thing.

Of course to be fair the teacher should have at least given him a garbage bag to use as arm protection. That’s just common courtesy.

Hank Yerzimbeck toMitch Martin, Mike Honcho
Sent 5/14/08 3:37 p.m.
Subject: Re: Check out this story

agrizzled

To be fair Lexington also shared this life experience with us but I forgot to include him on the email thread. I know, I’m the asshole.

The police in North Platte, Nebraska aren’t fucking around when it comes to wedgies. You might be able to get away with wedgies in the big cities but they aren’t going to stand for those kind of shenanigins in their town.

The police spokesman said they are ever vigilant and on the lookout for wedgies here. “You might get away with that in Lincoln or Omaha,” the spokesman said. “But we’re not going to allow wedgies in North Platte.”

Police were called by a boy’s father after the boy returned home and reported to his Dad that a neighbor kid had given him a wedgie. Police responded and reportedly “calmed” the situation without arresting or citing anyone. There must not be a whole shit ton going on in North Platte if police officers are rolling out to wedgie calls. What ever happened to letting boys be boys or even a talk between adults after the incident? This kid is going to get made fun for this all the way through high school.

In case you never made it through middle school the article gave a great explanation of exactly what a wedgie is.

A wedgie is the condition of having one’s underwear or other garmets “wedged” between the buttocks. This can occur, due to tight garments or physical activity, or performed as a prank by another person by yanking the undergarments upward, thus “giving a wedgie.”

Original Story: North Platte Bulletin

That is the kind of mullet that would generally win a Douche Bag of the Week title but the kid is only 3 so I am going to give him a pass. Let’s be honest that hair is the parents’ fault. No 3 year old understands the social consequences of rolling around town with a hairdo that says, “Business up front, party in rear.”

Frankly I don’t know what is more suprising.

1) Three-year-old Brady Arneson rocking one of the finest mullets I have ever seen.
2) Minnesota has a statewide mullet contest.
3) Brady won first place in said Minnesota Mullet Contest.
4) Brady’s older brother won first place in the mullet contest back in 2005.

The Arneson house is just a championship mullet machine. I bet they have to trim and brush their mullets nightly to keep in prime contest condition. Sure this little bastard is sitting on top of the world right now but he is going to be in a world of hurt when Mama Arneson busts out these photos to show his college girlfriend.

Original Story: Post-Bulletin