A 41-year-old man in Hong Kong found himself lonely and disturbed in a park late one night, alcohol could have possibly been involved too. The man thought it would be a good idea to have sex with a metal park bench. After becoming aroused, the man was stuck in/on the bench and unable free himself due to swelling. The man called the police for help…they had to take the entire park bench with the man still laying on top of it to the hospital. Four hours later, he was finally free. Doctors say an hour longer, and … well, let’s just say it wouldn’t have been good.

If alcohol was involved, this might be the worst case of beer goggles EVER!

Original Post: Weird Asian News

Let’s recap. Tasty Booze readers would rather:

- Be allergic to beer over having their penis shrink an inch
- Go without their cell phone for a year over having to use dial-up internet
- Have to go on all 1st dates with their 8th grade hair style over 8th grade clothing

I like where this is going. But clearly we have strayed from the penis jokes for too long. So here we go. Remember to vote and comment if you have any clarification questions.

“Would you rather go without sex for an entire year or go without tending (shaving/trimming/plucking) any of the hair on your body for an entire year?”

Mitch Martin: “Are we talking just sex sex, or all hooking up activities?”
J Diggles: “Just sex sex.”

Baba Ganoush: “Can you just seep yourself in Nair and do away with it all?”
J Diggles: “Don’t try to cheat me. No.”

Mr Wonka: “Can you shave everything completely before day one?”
J Diggles: “Sure.”

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It was only a matter of time before someone ruined the Wii’s squeaky clean kid/old person friendly image. If this shady website oioo.de is to be believed they are going to be the ones to do it with his and hers Wii dildos. The site only has pictures, a 9/9/08 release date and the following statement, “we search man and woman for a commercial”. I guess that means they need someone to demonstrate their fine product.

There is no mention of what game these accessories might work with but I am willing to guess that it would make steering a Mario Kart a little more interesting.

via Gizmodo

If you have never seen the Fritz Lang classic film, Metropolis, I would normally tell you that you had to see it immediately. It is that important and influential. But now it looks like you might be okay waiting a little longer.

Seems that a huge amount of footage from the film, lost for 80 years, has been discovered in Buenos Aries. The original film was 210 minutes long (that’s Lord of the Rings length, kids), but it was only screened at that length for a short while in Germany. For international distribution, it was cut considerably, and the longest length it has been seen since is about 118 minutes. That’s a LOT of footage that no one has seen for 80 years!

Apparently many scenes are much more dramatic and the pace and arc of the story are quite different. I should hope so with almost 100 minutes more footage!

Read more from the German magazine ZietOnline, that got the original story. (Don’t worry, it’s in English)

So in their most recent issues, Entertainment Weekly has named the Top 100 New Classic Films of the last 25 years.

Ignoring the numerous films that clearly do not belong on there (Casino Royale and Clueless, anyone?), let me list you a few movies that did not even make the list. Remember, this is a list of 100 classic films from the last 25 years…

The Usual Suspects
A Christmas Story
American Beauty
Braveheart
Bull Durham
Forrest Gump
Hoosiers
Return of the Jedi
A Few Good Men
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off

And to top it off (and I’m honestly not joking), THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION is not on the list!! The movie that is consistently ranked #1 or #2 of all time by IMDB, rated in the top 100 of all time by dozens of lists, including AFI, does not even make the TOP 100 OF THE LAST 25 YEARS.

Entertainment Weekly, you and the mentally handicapped rhesus monkeys that you had compile this list are officially irrelevant.

Yesterday we posted an article about men getting drugs to satisfy women. Well, I found a post from Jezebel that is only going to add fuel to the fire.

The post includes a chart entitled, “The Authentic Women’s Penis Size Preference Chart.” Although not explicit, we’ll just assume this chart refers to their preference for sex, not just in general or for one act or another (read: blowjob). The chart has five categories: Ideal (Perfect), Very Satisfying, Satisfying, Enjoyable and Not Satisfying. The “Ideal” range is pretty much any pecker between 7″ and 8″ long, with a circumference of 6.25″ to 6.5″. Surprisingly there are some women out there that find a circumference of 7.5″ to be enjoyable. In comparison, the beer bottle at my desk (don’t ask) has a circumference of about 7.5″.

In discussions with Bill Brasky, we came to these conclusions:

1. Women might have a hard time (literally) measuring circumference correctly.
2. Women probably don’t know what circumference means.
3. The average women’s wrist is 7″ in circumference, so…

The best part about this article is the discussion that takes place in the comments section. It’s definitely worth a read.

Original Post: Jezebel

Men are pointing the finger at “Sex And The City” again, and this time, it isn’t the middle finger. In a story today from CBS News, therapists are reporting that men aged 18-30 are turning to Viagra and other meds to please women. The reasoning is that women are mirroring their demanding and powerful slut counterparts from “Sex And The City,” which in turn is seen as intimidating and threatening to their men.

Here’s what the article had to say:

The men say today’s empowered women are very vocal about what they want in terms of intimacy, creating pressure that’s leading to problems in the boudoir. … And, the therapists report, the overexposure of perfectly-proportioned and functioning male models in advertising, Web porn and elsewhere, which can create unrealistic fantasies, isn’t helping any, either — making men feel even more insecure.

I watch “The Early Show” on CBS and judging by that sample group, I would agree; none of those guys are giving it to any of the girls. Julie Chen is hot too. Whereas, I’m sure there’s a good reason why Harry Smith has a radio segment called “Just A Minute.”

Original Story: CBS News

The deeply penetrated folks at Good Vibrations sex toy company in San Francisco have declared today National Masturbation Day. This occasion marks the climax of National Masturbation Month, which is apparently May.

My personal jerk-month is generally in the depths of winter when I am depressed and full of self loathing and there is nothing to do except watch the Matrix, eat Taquitos, and violate my person.

On Sunday, Good Vibes held a Masturbate-A-Thon where about 100 people from all over the country assembled and pleasured themselves for charity. Each participant asked for donations based on how long they were able to ying their yang. Before you rush to the Greyhound station and buy a one way ticket to next year’s wankfest, realize this:

Not one attractive female will be in attendance. Hot women never go to things like this. Remember watching Real Sex on HBO as a kid and they’d feature some orgy in the forest? What kind of chick showed up to those? Saggy, old, fucking married hippies! Yes, please let me watch 50 flower children touch themselves while they get fondled by their ponytailed and equally saggy-titted dudes.

I suggest you save yourself some time and Usher your Lil Jon in the privacy of your own home on this most deserved of holidays. You actually have an excuse this time.