What the fuck is with the guy that clips his nails at his desk or in his cubicle? Can anyone explain this to me? I am not talking about some guy that clips off a single hang nail I am talking about the guy that pulls over the garbage can and goes through a full ten nail session. I am on my fifth office / company since college and there has been one of these bastards at every location. Generally it is an older guy, something like 40+ and the clipping always happens at some completely random time like 10:15 a.m. on a Wednesday. Like all of a sudden the guy has an epiphany that his nails are too long and the fuckers must be cut now. Waiting the seven hours until he is in the comfort of his own home is not option. He has long nails and they must be dealt with. If at this point he would look up from his nails and yell a Jack Bauer like “Dammit!” I might cut him some slack.
Sometimes at 2.17 p.m. on Thursdays I realize my pubes have reached ungodly lengths. Guess what, I fucking deal with it. I don’t bust out out my Norelco trimmer from my desk drawer and go to town. Sure I would love to take care of the trim right then but I have a couple things called decency and respect for my fellow coworkers.
It isn’t the nails themselves that bother me. It is the fact that this guy has brought bathroom hardware into the office to perform a job that should be done in the bathroom, or at a bare minimum at least over a goddamn sink. If people thought it was a good idea and acceptable to clip your nails at the office then you would be able to pick up a nice sharp pair of clippers in the office supply section next to the fucking highlighters.
I know it’s not a Monday, but today feels almost as brutal. This is a great video! There are a few F-bombs dropped in this gem, so I’m labeling it NSFW (fuck you, Fark, deal with it). Anything with Nick Swardson ( Grandma’s Boy, Blades of Glory) and David Spade has to be good.
I’m not usually a fan of ranting, but sometimes it just feels good to get stuff off your chest (right, Jenna Jameson?). With the New Year comes everyone’s New Year’s resolutions, the majority of which have something to do with eating better, losing weight, being healthier, exercising/working out more, not being such a whore, etc.
The result from this is a packed gym with people taking these New Year resolutions seriously. Maybe you got some new workout clothes, a cool gym bag, custom fit running shoes for Christmas… you at least look the part. And every gym has some kind of deal to capitalize on people thinking that this is actually going to be the year! Well, news flash, it isn’t.
So, I’m forced to deal with four-to-six weeks of a bunch of gym-going newbies, as they monopolize the cardio machines and take five minutes just to figure out how to work the simple leg curl weight station. Luckily one of my New Year’s resolutions is patience, otherwise I would have started choking people out with resistance bands. Only a couple more weeks and I can go back to my normal routine, with the gym regulars who know how things work and you have that unspoken bond with.
It is here. The moment we have been waiting for for 364 days, since we woke up extraordinarily hungover January 1st, 2007. Can you feel it?
New Years Eve has to be one of the most, if not the most, anticipated holidays of the year for the 20-somethings of this country. Planning begins weeks earlier. What bar should we rent? Who is going to throw the next greatest party? What beautiful girl am I going to find to kiss at midnight? Hours upon hours of thought build up to the night.
Expectations:
So you and your friends decided to spend the night out on the town. Seems smart right? There are going to be tons of people out. Everyone having a great time. Immense amounts of alcohol on every corner. The perfect bar has been chosen: part DJ, part dance floor, part friends, part…WOMEN! You arrive at the bar at 9:30 sharp. Fashionably late, but still plenty of time to catch a buzz and mingle with friends prior to the midnight festivities. Everything is great. The perfect combo of hip-hop and that typo of techno you can actually stand is playing. You are amped. The women are all dancing with you. Your friends are buying shots. The bartender is giving out high-5’s. Life is good.
It is 11:30 and for the last 20 minutes you have been talking to that one friend of a friend that you have always had an eye on - after all she is a legit 10. She is in your circle of friends, but also not in your circle of friends, so a New Years kiss is seeming like a better and better idea. The guys come over with more shots in hand, the ball drops, everybody screams, you get your kiss, 2008 is sure to be a great year!
Reality:
8pm roles around. People are getting ready to go to the bar. Excitement is high. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Shit. “Well, 2 people out of this awesome group of 10 are just going to have to drive us to the bar. Volunteers anyone?” 45 minutes later, you realize that literally everyone in the city is driving at the exact same time. You didn’t know this many cars existed. They do. And when you are trying to park next to the bar, they exist there as well. Its OK, a 1 mile walk in the freezing December air is just what you wanted before the party. Oops, you forgot to bring a jacket because you didn’t want it to ruin the perfect style of the vertically-striped button down you are wearing. Fashion before comfort on New Years, always. Oh there’s a little rain, awesome!
Finally, there’s the bar across the street. You have made it. Fun is about to start! “Hello, we are with the XX party, here for our reservation.” The bouncer responds, “oh sure, just get in line and you will be right in.” “But wait, we have a reservation. Do you understand the meaning of a reservation?” (am I in a Seinfeld episode?) His death look appears to understand the meaning of a reservation, but apparently it only applied to you if we were at the bar before 8pm. Another setback. Its ok, a 17 person line is nothing compared to the walk you just made. You are almost home free. What’s that you say Mr. End Of The Line Person? It is one in, one out?? Great, cause that’s what people do on New Years - come to a bar and leave pre-midnight. Well, as long as 17 people had that plan in mind you should be in in no time.
11:30 roles around. You are first in line! All the women you brought gave up an hour ago and went to the dive bar down the street. But you are men. You have been to Vegas and know the meaning of a line to get into a bar. You will make it! 11:45, just in time, lets get shots. Well at least the line at the bar is inside and warm. “HEY, six touchdowns please….hello? Six bud lights too. Pay attention to me, I will tip…PLEASE!” Midnight. The ball drops. Screams everywhere. You look around for the mysterious midnight kisser and realize you are surrounded by your friends…your guy friends. “What was that you wanted?” “Oh, uh, six touchdowns and six beers, thanks.” It might be past midnight, but you are drinking, you are in a bar, it is New Years, its fun time. So why is everyone leaving? Maybe the night peaked for them at midnight, but don’t they realize that 6 fun guys just got in and want to party? Shit. Well at least you have easy access to the bar now. Lets get drunk.
2am. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. hmmmmmm
This country is going to hell in a hand basket. Why is it I can’t step off a goddamn elevator without some ass clown dodging past me to get in? I didn’t learn a whole lot of etiquette growing up but one thing I did learn was that you always let people off the elevator before you step on. It is just a common fucking courtesy. I can remember my Mom grabbing me by the shirt collar and holding me back so that other people could exit. Don’t get me wrong I understand that little kids are excited to get on something that moves and push some buttons. I have no problem with the little kids. They can push those buttons all day long because soon they will grow up and realize it is not that awesome, so let the little bastards live it up.
My beef is with the grown ass people, most of whom look older than me, wedging their way on before I have a chance to step out. The doors just fucking opened, hang back for 10 seconds and let me get off. It is still going to take the doors 45 seconds to close whether you step on 1 second after they open or 10. These are the same pricks that constantly press the door close button. Newsflash asshole, that button doesn’t do anything. They just put it there to make impatient pricks like you feel better. If you are in such a hurry do yourself a favor and take the stairs. Then the rest of the patient people on the elevator don’t have to listen to you huff and puff each time the elevator stops on a floor other than your own.
I can’t change all you old assholes that have developed this bad habit so I am going to make it my mission to piss you off instead. If I am on an elevator and you try to walk on before I get off I am going to stand in front of you. You dodge left, I am going to dodge left. That’s right asshole, I am going to jam you up until you step back and let me off the elevator. Merry Christmas!
What the hell is going on at Quiznos? Why are these SOB’s getting rid of mustard. Mustard is the goddamn cornerstone of any good sandwich shop. I first noticed this trend a few months ago at a Quiznos in Bellevue, WA. Whenever I went to Quiznos I would always ask them to put mustard on the sandwich instead of the bullshit sauce listed on the menu. So one day the guy says, “I don’t have mustard, but we have honey mustard.” I figure they just ran out. No big deal, right? So, I go with the honey mustard. I went to that same Quiznos once a week for about the next month and it was always the same. No mustard. That is when it finally dawned on me that these ass clowns just don’t carry mustard any more. A couple of weeks later I went into a different Quiznos in Bellevue. No Mustard. Couple weeks after that I went into a Quiznos in Yakima, WA. No mustard. At this point I realized this isn’t some jackass move by a couple of franchise owners, this must be a corporate move.
I challenge anyone to find another sandwich shop that doesn’t have some kind of mustard, whether it is yellow, dijon, or even fucking stone ground. Don’t even try to tell me that honey mustard counts. That shit is fucking salad dressing. I honestly quit going to Quiznos because of this, but to be honest, I never really thought it was that good anyway. Ooooohhhhh, you have a fancy toaster. I could give a rat’s ass. Even from a nutritional standpoint it is bullshit. A single packet of yellow mustard has 3 calories and 0.2 grams of fat. So even if the guy goes buck ass wild on your sandwich you are looking at about 15 calories and 1.0 gram of fat. On the flip side that honey mustard sauce the chuckleheads at Quiznos recommend has 330 calories and 33 grams of fat on one of their regular size sandwiches. So, it is bullshit in principal and it is bullshit nutritionally. In the end it just boils down to the fact that next time I am hungry I don’t care if I pass 15 Quiznos, I am heading to a sandwich shop that has some goddamn mustard.
Everyone knows about the jerk off I am talking about. He is the guy in the car marked ‘A’ and you are the soon to be poor sap behind him. The scenario usually plays out something like this.
You are cruising down the street in the right hand lane on the way to the intersection where you see one guy in the left lane and several people in the right lane all with their right turn signals on. You make what appears to be the smart move and change into the left hand lane so that when the light turns green you can blow past all those humps in the right hand lane who end up waiting for Aunt Edna to make it through the crosswalk with her walker so they can make their right. Then the light turns green and as soon as your brain registers that the light is green the douche nozzle in front of you turns on his left turn signal and rolls three feet forward. You are now officially fucked. There are inevitably twenty cars lined up on the opposite side of the intersection and you are going to be lucky if the ass clown with the left blinker on is going to be able to turn before the yellow light. So you end up pinned in as Aunt Edna sets a personal best for “time across the crosswalk” and everyone in the right hand lane makes their turns and the other twenty people stacked behind them cruise through the intersection.
Goddamn it, this pisses me off! This happens to me at least once a week usually while I am trying to either negotiate my way down Madison or my way across Broadway. I don’t have a problem with people making left hand turns but do the courteous thing and turn your blinker on before the fucking light turns green. Let everyone behind you know that you plan on wasting the entire green light sitting there waiting to make a left. Then we can all plan accordingly so that we don’t end up stuck behind your left turning ass. It’s like going into a public restroom where everything looks normal and using the toilet. Then right as you press the handle to flush the toilet a sign drops down that says “Caution: Water May Hit You In The Face” and before you have a chance to react, water sprays you in the face. Had the sign been displayed before you pressed the handle you would have chosen a different course of action.
The lawsuit filed on behalf of 21-year-old Korie Hoke of Mesa contends her drunken-driving accident and resulting injuries, said to include brain trauma, could have been prevented if not for police negligence for leaving her unattended.
Officer Lateef Hampton found Hoke hysterical and sitting in her car, according to a taped March interview that Hampton gave to an attorney for Hoke. Hampton said he eventually persuaded Hoke to open the car door after she initially refused to do so for him and people whom he found surrounding the car.
Hampton said Hoke acknowledged drinking and that he cited her for underage drinking because she was 20 at the time. He said he did not conduct field sobriety tests because both Hoke and her boyfriend told him that the boyfriend had taken her keys. Hampton to tried to make sure Hoke didn’t have any keys, having her empty her purse and searching parts of the car.
She called her parents to pick her up, and Hampton said he spoke to her parents, who assured him they would be right there. Hampton said he decided to leave her to wait for her parents because she was an adult. Hoke’s parents arrived minutes later, but she was already gone, having used keys she hid from Hampton.
This is the kind of story that drives me crazy. How can Karen Hoke take absolutely no personel responsibility in this case? The officer did everything short of strapping her to a lie detector to verify she did not have car keys. While a police officer’s oath generally includes “to protect and to serve” I don’t think the word babysitter is included anywhere.
This is how you know the whole thing is bullshit. Replace the cop with her boyfriend. If the boyfriend had taken her keys and she lied to him saying she didn’t have any other keys but then got in a wreck would she be sueing her boyfriend? I highly doubt it. But because both her and her lawyer think they can get some money out of the city they bring up this lawsuit.
Nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions anymore. There is always somebody else they try to blame it on. Did the officer put a gun to her head and force her to drink? Did he force her to lie about her car keys? Did he force her to drive off? I think the answer to all of those questions is no. Everyone knows that driving drunk is against the law no matter what the circumstance. Be honorable and take responsibility for your actions. If you need lessons on honor ask Hank Yerzimbeck, he’s the most honorable man I know.
October 17th, 2007by Lexington Steele · 5 Comments
What you say? Boggs strike? That is correct. I am taking a stand against Miller and letting them know their latest attempt at marketing has rubbed me the wrong way.
If you don’t live in Seattle, then you don’t know about Miller’s sponsorship of UW Husky football. I for one refuse to drink a beer that is packaged in purple and gold, but it hurts to have go pick out an 18 pack of the competition, especially after so many great times with Miller Delites. So, in attempt to get things back on track for Miller up here in the Pacific NW, I wrote them a little feedback. Below are my comments, followed by their response (or lack thereof):
This may seem a little petty, but I like Miller Lite and I want you to succeed, so I thought I should give a piece of advice from a consumer. I recently have heard advertisements for Miller Lite as the official beer of the University of Washington Huskies. I have also seen 18 packs with Husky logos on them. I understand the thinking, but you should know that there is a large contingent of Washington State Cougars living in the Seattle area. Cougars and Huskies don’t get along very well. So when a Cougar sees/hears Miller Lite as the official beer of UW Football, the first reaction is to stop drinking Miller Lite. Whereas, a Husky probably wouldn’t change his/her preference due to any sort of sponsorship. And the reality is, Cougars drink a lot more than Huskies (this is fact, it has been statistically proven). My reason for writing this is not to have you jump ships and sponser Cougar Football (although that would be glorious). I only wish you to stop promoting Husky Football so that I can get back to drinking Miller Lites (aka Miller Delites, aka Boggs’). If you want to see some dedication to your brand, check out http://tastybooze.com/2007/04/the-origin-of-boggs/. This one article has logged over 100,000 hits and is linked through wikipedia and espn. Go on, read it. About two years ago we made the switch from the site stating “Where the Anheuser’s are Always Cold.” Search Boggs or Miller Lite on the search side, you will see the dedication. So, all that being said, why don’t you go ahead and drop this campaign so that you don’t have to divide Miller Lite drinkers. Thanks for listening and let me know when I can go back to my normal drinking habits.
And the response for Miller?
Thank you for contacting the Miller Brewing Company. We are glad to hear you enjoy our product Miller Lite. Consumers like yourself have helped to make us one of America’s leading breweries. We always appreciate receiving both positive and negative feedback from our consumers. Please rest assured all of your comments will be forwarded to the appropriate department.
We appreciate your interest in our company. Cheers!
Sincerely,
Miller Brewing Company Consumer Affairs Department
Ref: Case#N20063671
Weak. You appreciate my interest in your company?!?! How bout my thousands of dollars I have spent on you. Not to mention some serious viral marketing that has been happening for a couple years. This is more than just an interest brother, it is a way of life. So I say get with the program Miller. Know your target audience and thank your faithful drinkers. I think my loyalty deserves more than a Dear John response.
So for now, I am on a Boggs strike. I encourage others of you disturbed by this new packaging with a strange looking dog on it to stray to the Anheuser. Who’s coming with me?!?!
Can anyone explain Truck Nutz to me? I am no genius but I did manage to make it through college and yet somehow the whole concept of hanging plastic balls off of a truck is beyond me. What message other than “I’m a douche bag” are you hoping to convey to your fellow drivers on the road. “My truck is so bad ass it has it’s own balls!” or “My balls are so big I had to hang a plastic set off of my truck!” Maybe you just want everyone to know that you love balls in general. Honestly I am baffled. Do they impress the ladies?
8″ Flesh Nutz - Best sellers! Hang ‘em if you got a pair! Full-sized truck nuts that stand about 8″ tall, 2.5″ thick, and about 5″ wide. These are probably the most popular type of truck nut on the market today. They have veins and wrinkles, and one nut hangs just a little lower. They’re made of solid polypropylene and weigh about a pound.
My favorite part has to be “They have veins and wrinkles,” because if you are going to hang some fake balls off of your truck they goddamn better be realistic looking. Don’t even come around here with those no wrinkle fake plastic balls of yours.
Seriously if you have a set of these on your truck leave a comment and explain why.
This is the kind of shit that drives me crazy. We are in the middle of a war, the economy is sliding, our education system is in shambles and yet the douche bags we elect to office are holding congressional hearings about rap lyrics. Someone has got to be fucking joking me. They want to ban three words. Does that even make sense? First of all three words aren’t going to change anything not to mention once you ban words you have censored an artists thoughts and expressions. Isn’t freedom of expression one of the principles this country is founded on? If an artist feels the word “bitch” (that is one of the three words discussed in the ban) is the best word to describe his thoughts and feelings then he should be able to use it. If I find the word “bitch” offensive then it my responsibility to myself to not listen to that song. That is why there is a big ass warning label right on the CD. I don’t need to take on a personal crusade (Tipper Gore) to take my old, stuffy, outdated, Christian sensibilities and push them on 300 million other people.
Just because a bunch of rich old white men/women find these words offensive doesn’t mean that I do. Who are they to decide what I can and cannot hear? This is a slippery slope. If the words are banned from music can an artist still use them in a poem that they read in public?
Can we all just agree to move on from this whole Patriots filming the other sideline scandle? I am so sick of hearing about “tapegate” or “spygate”. Why the fuck do they have to append “gate” to everything? I know it is because of Nixon and Watergate but that was 35 years ago. Considering that the San Diego Chargers were supposed to be one of the elite teams in the NFL this year and the Pats completely dismantled them yesterday it doesn’t look like this cheating thing had any effect on their game. They are just flat out good.
Every team in the NFL is doing whatever they can to gain a competitive advantage. Coaches on the sideline don’t constantly cover their face because they are insecure and need to check their breath. They know that no matter what the rules say there is probably some SOB on the other sideline trying to read their lips. Now every talking head on every pre/post game show has to voice their two cents about this whole thing and they cover the whole spectrum. Sean Salisbury said “Fine Belichick and move on” while Cris Collinsworth acted like this was the biggest disgrace ever commited against the NFL and Belichick should be banned from the game. I even had to hear Jerome Bettis call in to question the two AFC Championship wins that the Patriots had over the Steelers in 2001 and 2004. Bettis actually said that had people known this cheating was going on the games might have turn out differently. First, no one other then Belichick will ever know when or where this began. Second, the final score of the 2004 game was 41 - 27 which is just a flat out ass whooping Bettis so deal with it.
Q: I bet Belichick is the type of guy who peeks at your controller as you’re selecting a play in Madden.
– Mike T., Fairport N.Y.
SG: How dare you! Now that’s just uncalled for! By the way, Belichick doesn’t play video games — it’s too difficult to hold the controller while he’s wearing his five Super Bowl rings.
So I have already ranted and raved about cell phones on belts. So let’s move on to another phenomena that drives me crazy. The old USB flash drive hanging around someone’s neck like a diamond pendant. Just because they put a $0.02 lanyard in the package doesn’t mean you should hang the thing around your neck. Honestly why do you need your Word files and Excel spreadsheets hanging around your neck? Now if the thing is carrying some kind of vital data like your complete medical history and blood type then I could see wearing it around your neck like a big ass medicaid bracelet. But the thing is tiny. That is why they are called thumb drives. So put it in your pocket with one of your thumbs. The real bitch of this whole thing is that the same douches that have their cell phones on their belts have their thumb drives hanging around their necks.
That is it, cold turkey I am off it. No more beans in a Starbucks bag to grind at home or grande drips from a retail store. I am so tired of “grande” I could punch a barista in the face. Climb off your high horse, accept the fact you are an American company, and let’s get back to small, medium and large. I hate it when some poor schmuck in front of me asks for a medium coffee. The reply is always “You mean a grande?” The person behind the counter knows goddamn well what the customer wants so why do they have to ask that ridiculous ass question? Grab the middle size cup i.e. Medium and fill the thing with coffee. That is like the kid at Subway asking “You mean Oven Roasted Chicken Breast?” after I ask him for a foot long chicken breast. There is only one kind of chicken breast in the Subway just like there is only one medium size goddamn cup in Starbucks. Maybe the fancy term makes people feel better that they are paying $4 for something they could make for less than $0.25 at home.
Here is a rant about what really is a shit list of the best 50 TV shows from friend and reader WB.
This is supposedly a list of the 50 best TV shows of all time, but it is so
completely and pathetically retarded, I can barely stand to look at it.
Not only is SAVED BY THE BELL on it, it’s above SEINFELD!
West Wing? Scrubs? The Dick van Dyke show? The Daily Show? I Love Lucy? THE
LARRY SANDERS SHOW?!? All completely absent. #1 is fucking Buffy the vampire
slayer? Jesus christ! Babylon 5 is on here, but no original Star Trek? Suck
my cock.
And there are shows I’ve never even heard of! what in the holy hell is
COWBOY BEBOP?!?!
I honestly think this list is so terrible and laughably incorrect, it must
be a brilliant publicity move for this website. they know that a traditional
list gets barely any press. but a list like this, which looks like it was
arranged randomly by a blind anteater’s tongue, will get them attention.
But still. it is so ridiculous, I thought you guys should be aware of it. If
you post it, please feel free to share any of my thoughts that you see fit.
Mostly I’m upset that Saved by the Bell is on this list and the West Wing is
not. Choke me with a lava lamp!!
