Long live beer goggles
Tomorrow doesn’t exist
Her moustache is cute

To read more Booze Haikus, click here.

I saw this while shopping on Sunday. I won’t say which cell phone company had this moronic thing displayed, but let’s say it rhymes with KG&G Tireless…

Well done. Since it’s illegal and patently stupid to text while riding a scooter, let’s put some Abercrombie models in an ad doing just that! OK, maybe you could argue they might not be moving, but if that were the case, they could have made it a little clearer. Or (wait for it) they could have them doing something else.

I’m sure many of you out there are perfectly well- behaved when you go out to eat. However, many of you jerks are not, so here is a list of what you’re doing to piss off the person serving you.

1. You ask stupid questions.
If you can’t be bothered to read the goddamn menu before you ask inane questions that could easily be answered by a 3 second glance at that big card in front of your face, your server is not going to be happy with you.

2. You take too long.
Instead of immediately commencing the yappity-yap with the same people you’re going to be sitting with for the next hour, take a moment to figure out what the hell you want to eat. And once you’re done, and you’ve paid your bill, if you sit at your table for another hour, guess what you’ve become? A big fat farting roadblock for new customers to get into your server’s section. You eat, you pay, you leave. You can always talk about goddamn American Idol in the parking lot.

3. You get drunk and act like a jerk.
Servers don’t really care that much if you’re a little drunk, but you have to remember this simple equation. How nice you are to your server (and how much you tip) needs to increase at a rate that is directly proportionate to how drunk you are. If you’re getting sloshed, be nice and tip well, and you’ll be okay.

4. You need to modify everything you order.
Listen Meg Ryan, unless you have like 15 different allergies, there is no need to make a bunch of changes to the item you order. You want a salad instead of fries with your burger? OK princess, we can make that happen. But that’s it. You get one modification per meal. And if you even think about asking for a little taste of each dessert instead of one, you’re going to get brained with a pepper mill.

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Many give credit to RZA as being the production brains behind the Wu-Tang’s success, he’s produced many of the clan’s solo projects and now has higher aspirations to move to the silver screen (read: movies). According to Ain’t It Cool News, the RZA is going to make his writing-directing debut with a film called “The Man With The Iron Fist.” With the infatuation of kung-fu, it’s no surprise that RZA is going to tackle this genre. And you know it’s going to be effing awesome!

The RZA or Bobby Digital - his Wu-Tang alter ego - was rumored to be working on an upcoming movie based on his other persona, and even some recent videos on YouTube suggest he’s working on something. In the meantime, you can enjoy the RZA’s recently released single “You Can’t Stop Me Now”:

Check out these Chinese S.W.A.T. officers rolling in heavy on their Segways. One, that can’t be good for your lower back. Two, what happens when this guy starts popping off caps and his weight shift causes the Segway to start rolling backwards? I am not familar with S.W.A.T. tactics but apparently these guys never face a situation that calls for speeds greater than 5 MPH and they never need to move left or right.

Hit the link for more pictures of the Chinese S.W.A.T team in action. I am not positive but I am pretty sure there is a ninja in the last picture.

Xinhuanet via Engadget

So in their most recent issues, Entertainment Weekly has named the Top 100 New Classic Films of the last 25 years.

Ignoring the numerous films that clearly do not belong on there (Casino Royale and Clueless, anyone?), let me list you a few movies that did not even make the list. Remember, this is a list of 100 classic films from the last 25 years…

The Usual Suspects
A Christmas Story
American Beauty
Braveheart
Bull Durham
Forrest Gump
Hoosiers
Return of the Jedi
A Few Good Men
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off

And to top it off (and I’m honestly not joking), THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION is not on the list!! The movie that is consistently ranked #1 or #2 of all time by IMDB, rated in the top 100 of all time by dozens of lists, including AFI, does not even make the TOP 100 OF THE LAST 25 YEARS.

Entertainment Weekly, you and the mentally handicapped rhesus monkeys that you had compile this list are officially irrelevant.

I think the idea here was to do a front flip after planting on the wall mat. Keep at it, kid. It’s hard to become a ninja..

The excitement of Memorial Day Weekend must have trumped this story, as it totally missed my radar at the end of May. Luckily, I was catching up on my search for Asian lesbian porn and happened upon this story today from CNN Asia.

A 58-year-old homeless woman was found living in the closet of a man in Japan, she had apparently been living undetected in the house for about a year. The man became suspicious when he realized food came up missing from his house, so he installed cameras throughout his home that would send photos to his cell phone to monitor. Busted! Although the man did give the woman props for being “neat and clean” during her stay.

As a precaution, I’m planning on doing a thorough once-over at my condo tonight; looks like the roommate drink-off followed by the $1 wells at the Dubliner are going to have to wait!

Original story: CNN.com/Asia

If you ever used to watch the People’s Court, you know that some of the best shit went down at the very end. Well, this is one of the best…

Two German air force sergeants were suspended recently for doing some business on the side of their military careers. And what was this unacceptable business venture? Nothing more than selling sausages based on an old family recipe. What’s the problem there, right? Oh yeah, the recipe required human blood.

Seems that they started off using their own blood, but they were so damn successful, eventually they couldn’t keep up. So they started asking their friends and colleagues for a few pints, and it was all downhill from there. Nice move, boys.

I’m reminded of a great scene from Groundhog Day:

Rita: I think it’s a nice story. He comes out, and he looks around. He wrinkles up his little nose. He sees his shadow or he doesn’t see it. It’s nice. People like it.

Phil: You are new, aren’t you? People like blood sausage too. People are morons.

Rita: Nice attitude.

Read the original story at the Daily Telegraph.

This hilarious blog is called The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotations and it consists of reader-sent-in pics of signs containing (you guessed it) unnecessary quotation marks. They’re not all necessarily grammatically incorrect, though almost all are, but they are all ridiculous, and many change the intended meaning of the sign with great results. When people think the quotation marks add emphasis, when really they do the opposite, hilarity ensues.

The examples below are some good ones, but there are hundreds more. Seriously, check it out.

6 inches? No wait, they’re talking about time, aren’t they?

It turns out that the average length of time for sex is 7.3 minutes. That doesn’t include foreplay, or buying drinks, just the actual intercourse. Among other findings mentioned in the following article, which cites various surveys of sex therapists and laypeople (get it?), is the notion that lengthy sexual episodes may not actually be better. In other words, the goal should not simply be to last longer in order to be “better” in the sack. In fact, the “optimal” amount of time for intercourse was found to be between 3 and 13 minutes.

Eric Corty, an associate professor of psychology at Penn St., says,

“People who read this will say, ‘I last five minutes or my partner lasts eight minutes,’ and say, ‘That’s OK,’ ” he said. “They will relax a little bit.”

I think the problem would be if you last 5 minutes AND your partner lasts 8 minutes. That means they’re shaking their own etch-a-sketch for the last 3 minutes.

Read more at cnn.com

Typography + film audio = awesome. Mr Diggles collected his favorites here and they’re worth seeing.

Perhaps all we need is audio and the text, with some genius typographer leading us along. The same way John Williams knew what the shark was doing…Maybe image is dead. Bad news for filmmakers like me, but hey, I accept the inevitable future. Either way, it’s fun as hell.

See all you might want here.

By the bye, Mr. Diggles is an old friend of mine, and one that may not remember that we were ever friends. But he’s smart and internet savvy enough to figure it out. So add him to your daily reads and thank me later. Really…it’s good stuff.

I just started a new job, and I have never seen so much terrible parking than I have witnessed in my new work area. Look at the brain donor in the pic on the right. Can you even see the curb from there? Jesus christ.

And the very next day, in the parking garage, someone parked so badly, I could not even get into my driver’s side door! I had to crawl through the passenger door! Take a look…

Admittedly, I was a little towards the left in the spot, since a huge van was parked on my right, but come on! If you can’t fit in there without trapping me, go to another goddamn spot.

I’d really like to see one of those phony inspirational poster things that people have online, using that first pic, and with a caption saying, “Parallel parking. If you can’t do it, you’re stupid.”

If anyone out there makes one (read: has photoshop and 4 minutes to spare), we’ll post it, and I’ll buy you a beer.