After John McCain called out Paris Hilton in a recent ad targeting Barack Obama, the socialite felt it was appropriate to respond. Luckily she chose to partner with Funny Or Die to make this video, so you know it’s going to be good. Although Hilton’s ability to act still sucks, this is her best comedic performance since her sex tape.

Is that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie? Jesus, I’ve never seen a couple of bigger bitches…
Hey, I might not buy cookies from those little fuckers everytime I see them at the store, but I’ve never once contemplated taking their money. That’s like walking up to the guy in the Santa outfit, ringing the bell, and sticking your hand in his bucket and taking the change he’s collected over the last few hours, standing in the fucking cold. Assholes.

6 inches? No wait, they’re talking about time, aren’t they?

It turns out that the average length of time for sex is 7.3 minutes. That doesn’t include foreplay, or buying drinks, just the actual intercourse. Among other findings mentioned in the following article, which cites various surveys of sex therapists and laypeople (get it?), is the notion that lengthy sexual episodes may not actually be better. In other words, the goal should not simply be to last longer in order to be “better” in the sack. In fact, the “optimal” amount of time for intercourse was found to be between 3 and 13 minutes.

Eric Corty, an associate professor of psychology at Penn St., says,

“People who read this will say, ‘I last five minutes or my partner lasts eight minutes,’ and say, ‘That’s OK,’ ” he said. “They will relax a little bit.”

I think the problem would be if you last 5 minutes AND your partner lasts 8 minutes. That means they’re shaking their own etch-a-sketch for the last 3 minutes.

Read more at cnn.com

Once thought to be the progeny of less selective sorority houses, dirty vadges have become quite common in US high schools. A recent report by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention finds that 1 in 4 high school girls have at least one sexually transmitted disease. While some say this epidemic of STI’s is the result of the weak moral fiber of US parents, others argue that bullshit programs like abstinence only sex education course are to blame. When asked to comment on this startling report, Blake Rodriguez age 17 said “Dude, I am not the father. Stacy is such a fucking liar.”

[Insert your own seamen joke here]

Oh, wait…it’s just a sex tape spoof…..DAMMIT. Poor Paris Hilton just can’t seem to get away from people making fun of her. I guess that’s what happens when you are obscenely rich, think you are better than every one else, and look like one of those Cloner Aliens from Star Wars Episode III.