It’s like Legends of the Fall all over again. Everyone knows that sailing the high seas back in the day wasn’t all swashbuckling and wenches but I think we can all agree this is a little extreme. I don’t exactly know what the PR department at the Portsmouth Dockyard was thinking but this picture looks like that grizzled old captain is bending this young deck hand over a cannon.

The Register

Since Dubai currently has approximately 800 million billion trillion dollars to toss around (I’m rounding up), they decided to build the world’s longest arch bridge. Set to begin construction next month, it will be completed in 2012. It also looks awesome…

Read more, and see more great pictures, here.

Another local story from the great state of Washington. Check out this genius dressed as a pirate trying to break into a coffee shop. The owner of the coffee shop posted the surveillance video on YouTube with his own Jack Sparrow narration of the attempted break-in. Apparently this chucklehead of a Jack Sparrow doesn’t have much training in the flying kick department. At about the 2 minute mark he takes a running jump kick at the door which results in him hobbling around on the pavement in pain.

A girlfriend recognized the dumbass when the surveillance video was played on local news and called to tell him about it. The thief turned himself into police with the excuse that he was blacked out at the time and doesn’t remember anything about the attempted robbery.

Original Story: KIRO.com

Tomorrow September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Time to strap on the peg leg and drop an “Arrrrrr!” into every other sentence. Click the banner below to head over to the official Talk Like a Pirate Day website and see what is going on.

I expect everyone that stops by the site tomorrow to drop on “Arrrrr!” in the shoutbox to celebrate this glorious day.

I really hate it when somebody puts together a kick ass argument and then just cops out at the end. This cat put together a great PowerPoint presentation with a point by point analysis of who would win the battle between a pirate and a ninja. The presentation is 39 slides long and covers every aspect of the debate. Then instead of strapping a pair of balls on and choosing a winner he throws a curveball in and just declares “Robots Win!”

It’s like watching one of those shows on the History Channel where they declare they are going to find some lost city. They spend a week showing kick ass commercials that always sucker me in about how they are going to find a lost city. Then I invest an hour of my life into the show and at the end they point at a pile of rocks and say, “Is this the lost city? We will never know for sure but you should decide for yourself.”

No I should not decide for myself. I spent an hour watching your bullshit show so you could tell me if said pile of rocks was the lost city or not. Sure I bitch but the bastards drag me in each and every time.

Despite the bullshit ending it is still a pretty good presentation. Check it out.

Pirates vs. Ninjas - The Great Debate of Our Time

Well, this isn’t the only reason, but it sure does help…

Pirates and Gangsta Rappers have the following in common:

-Fixation on gold and jewelry
-Injuries and harm to one’s body sustained in conflict translate directly into status.
-Strong aversion to the authorities.
-Love of booty
-Song and lyric that glorify past exploits.
-Use of the word “yo” and “ho” (as in ‘yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum’ and ‘yo ho, get me a beer’)
-Insistence on use of nickname and aliases.
-Healthy affinity for eye-patches
-Intense interest in boats
-High tolerance for promiscuous women.
-Healthy respect for individuals wielding hooks in lieu of hand
-Love of drink, especially rum (with or without the accompaniment of coke)
-Always travel with a crew

People live their lives by all kinds of different rules. Some people have a motto, some people have a creed and there is a select set that use a creedo. I myself perfer to live by Pirate Law. Seventy easy to remember laws that govern all decisions I make in life.

5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

26. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

40. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn’t been searching hard enough.

Pirate Laws

I took three years of German in High School and I still can’t read this product page to save my life. Luckly I think I can put together a loose translation based on the pictures provided.

“This kick ass pirate toaster will fit perfectly into any ships galley or kitchen. It will also let any breakfast guest know that you are not to be fucked with based on your pirate status. This message will be conveyed by the skull and cross bones branded into their toast.”

Totenkopf Toaster SKULL-Toast