Forbes magazine is finally getting around to hard-hitting and revelant news stories, they’ve even brought themselves to the point of doing these stories in list form. We love lists here at TastyBooze, and this one is right up our alley. It’s Forbes’ Hardest Drinking Cities in the U.S. Half the article talks about how this list came about, it sounds all very scientific, but it came down to a survey of consumers in 33 cities with these questions:

Whether they had at least one drink of alcohol within the past 30 days; whether men had more than two drinks per day or women one drink per day; and whether they had five or more drinks on one occasion. In each case, higher-ranking cities reported larger percentages of their population answering in the affirmative.

And the results:

• 1. Austin, TX
• 2. Milwaukee, WI
• 3. San Francisco, CA
• 4. Providence, RI
• 5. Chicago, IL
• 6. Seattle, WA, Cleveland, OH, St. Louis, MO (3-way tie)
• 9. Boston, MA
• 10. Cincinnati, OH
• 11. Pittsburgh,PA
• 12. Virginia Beach, VA
• 13. Portland, OR
• 14. Jacksonville, FL
• 15. Detroit, MI

Yes! Representing for Seattle! We had 64.2% of our residents drinking in the past month, and 16.4% of residents who had five of more drinks on one occasion!

Kind of surprised we beat out Boston…and no New York or Las Vegas. Maybe it’s just the tourists from these 15 cities doing all the drinking at those destination cities.

Full list and article: Forbes.com

We’ve all done the fist bump. Maybe your team just scored, maybe you just bowled a strike, maybe you just won a rap battle. These are all acceptable times to bump fists with a friend. The picture on the right, however, illustrates a time where it is definitely NOT okay to bump fists.

In case you’re wondering, these guys were celebrating the completion of a deal that brought a 42-mile rail corridor into public ownership.

Yeah, I know. That’s fucking boring. Look, if the fist bump is brought into areas where it clearly does not belong, where does it end? Will Obama get a fist bump from Bill Clinton right after he’s sworn in? Will we, someday soon, see a surgeon give a tearful wife a bump after successfully removing her husband’s brain tumor? Are you gonna fist bump your buddy after he sucks the rattlesnake venom out of your inner thigh?

So in an effort to help you out, we here at TastyBooze have devised a simple set of rules to aid you in appropriate fist bumping.

1. If sports are involved, fist bumping is always acceptable.
2. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Or if you have just wrapped part of your suit around your forehead.
3. You may not fist bump under any circumstances, in a hospital. Unless Rule #1 (or Rule #2) applies.
4. Do not fist bump someone else’s misfortune, even if it helps you. Just look down, furrow your brow, and nod sternly.
5. No fist bumping between the hours of 7am and 10am. And if you’re watching sports at this time, it’s probably soccer or NASCAR, and then you should really not be fist bumping. High fives will suffice for both.
6. Do not fist bump in a meeting. Even if you are drunk.
7. Do not fist bump your children. Unless you’re drunk, then it’s OK.
8. Girls can fist bump anytime they want. And yes, guys think it’s cute.
9. Do not refuse a fist bump. If you, as a bumpee, believe the bumper is violating a rule, speak to him afterwards. Refusing his bump is not going to help anything.
10. Do not fist bump yourself.

Happy fist bumping, kids! And if any of you have any photographic examples of bad fist bumps, send them to us, and we will make it known!

Fantasy football owners around the country are trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with Shaun Alexander. A few hypotheses have been suggested.

1. He has a nagging or severe injury that we don’t know about? Unlikely. He avoids all contact and is the “most” Christian person in the NFL. God does not allow his children to suffer as Shaun will readily tell you.

2. Has he lost his touch? Possibly, money can do that.

3. He doesn’t care after earning his big contract with MVP numbers? Plausible, the drop off effect is a consistently observed in all professional sport leagues.

4. Shaun Alexander is a mole? Seems unlikely, but let’s look at the evidence.

Body:

Mole: small, rounded body, pointy snout and soft, fluffy brown or grey fur.

Shaun: 5-11/228 balding with large teeth.

Match: yes

Lifestyle:

Mole: Moles are active animals, working both day and night to feed themselves and construct burrows, where they live. The burrow of the mole is an elaborate unit, made of many chambers and entrances Moles travel through the soil in a method that looks similar to the breast stroke. Mole burrows often show themselves above ground as ridges, slightly elevated trails, or mounds of fresh dirt.

Shaun: Shaun is an active animal that eat, sleeps, prays, and runs for less than one yard quite often. Like a mole, while running, Shaun shies away from open holes or cutting it outside, instead preferring to burrow under the offensive line or simply take a knee. A run by Shaun is easily observed by the lack of effort once contact is initiated, or by the look of disgust that emerges on the face of a fantasy owner who drafted Shaun in the first round.

Match: yes

Interaction with people:

Mole: Moles endure a love-hate relationship with people. Often responsible for heavy crop, garden and lawn damage, moles are very often trapped or eradicated. However, the mole population is also responsible for aerating soil and fertilizing many crops. Trapping methods have proved largely unsuccessful in North America, where the mole lives in abundance.

Shaun: Shaun endures a hate-hate relationship with fantasy owners and Hawks fans. Often responsible for terrible Sundays, failing fantasy teams and lawn damage, Shaun will soon be trapped and released to the wild.

Match: yes

Conclusion: Shaun Alexander is a mole.

The MacArthur Foundation has announced their grant winners today, and they are both: a) awesome, and b) from Seattle.

Yoky Matsuoka is combining robotics with neurology to create some pioneering work in the area of human prosthetic limbs, controlled by thoughts alone. Pretty soon you too can be Luke Skywalker!

Mark Roth is a biologist best known for discovering new ways of preserving laboratory mice in a state of suspended animation, without killing them. The mice are brought into a state of metabolic torpor where their breathing, metabolism and core temperature are reduced to what is more or less a standstill. The mice can then be revived with absolutely no ill effects. The potential application for humans, treatment of disease, surgery, etc. is endless. But who cares? It’s FUCKING ZOMBIE MICE!! That’s awesome.

They each get $500,000, no strings whatsoever attached. Play on, geniuses!

Full Article: Seattle Times

News came out today that my favorite hometown team the Seattle (Super) Sonics never intended to stay in Seattle under the new ownership group.  I know, I know, this is old news and everyone has already assumed this for months.  However, I always held out some hope that a sane ownership team would be looking to make money (i.e. stay is the large Seattle market) vs bring the team to tiny Oklahoma City.  I mean, the state had to subsidize ticket prices when the New Orleans Hornets played their home games their for 2 seasons - so obviously it wasn’t going to be a profitable environment.  But the new OK City group doesnt care about making money and instead would prefer to a sports icon in their own state.  And for that I cannot blame them, because I would want to do the same thing.  And if you are rich enough to own your own team, then you can probably handle a little red ink.

But I do feel I have to blame someone, and that someone is going to be Starbucks Chairman Howard Shultz.  This guy has $500 million of stock in Starbucks, another $500 million in Starbucks options, interests in eBay, Drugstore.com, DreamWorks, a major Seattle Venture Capital firm and god knows what else.  He owes his existence to Seattle and its love for coffee and the Seattle Starbucks chain he created.  He bought the team from another local multi-millionaire Barry Ackerly, who had taken care to sell the team to someone who would keep it in Seattle.  And then every year after that Schultz whines about how much money he is losing because of the lease agreement, blah, blah, blah.  All I know is he bought the team for $200 million and five years later sold it for $350 million - which seems like a pretty good return.  And on top of the that, you don’t buy a sports franchise to make money, you buy one if you have a lot of money and want to prove to everyone in your community that you are a big swinging dick.  If he wanted to sell, fine, but do not sell to a group out of Oklahoma City who had just gotten their first taste of an NBA franchise on loan and were obviously looking for another.  I have no doubt that Schultz new the team would likely be moved.  He is obviously a smart business man and there is no way he was oblivious to this one.

I am therefore banning Starbucks and make the call for all of you to do the same.  Maybe if we band together we can eat into the value of those stock options.  Go Tully’s…

Late last week at the Changes karaoke establishment in Wallingford an unsuspecting man was attacked by a 21-year-old patron while singing the Coldplay song ‘Yellow’. I mean, I know the song is a few years old, but does it warrant an attack?

Witnesses said her distaste for Coldplay quickly took a violent turn, and she leaped at the would-be crooner, shouting expletives and telling him that his singing “sucked,” while expressing the same opinion of the song. She pushed the man and punched him, all in an effort to stop his singing.

According to the police report, the woman’s rage only grew when the uniformed officers arrived. The officers took the woman, whom Willmette described as “a little hippie girl,” to the ground, but she was still able to head butt the off-duty officer several times before she was handcuffed.

Well, there you have it. Seattle is falling off the deep end.

Original Article

Pop quiz hotshot: After spending the night having sex and smoking pot with a prostitute you leave her in your apartment while you go on a beer run. What happens?

A. She jacks all your stuff.
B. She throws a party.
C. She dies.
D. She moves with all her worldly possessions.

If you are a 39 year old man from Lake City, WA then the answer is C.

According to the police report, the woman stayed behind at the man’s apartment to take a bath while the man walked to a nearby 7-Eleven, returning home 20 minutes later. The man noticed his bathroom door was still closed. He waited another 15 minutes before venturing in. Upon entering the bathroom, the man found the lifeless body of the 47-year-old prostitute. In a panic, he shook her and slapped her but got no response. Then he really freaked out.

By “freaked out” they mean the guy filled the tub with cold water and drank beer for three days while trying to decide exactly what he should do with the body. Then in a second move of brilliance the guy called his boss for advice on what to do. Luckily his boss who must be a level headed chap recommended they call the police and report the death.

Lucky for this guy the police believe his story and no charges have been pressed at this time.

The Stranger: Original Article

I don’t know what it is like around the rest of the country but about 95% of drivers here in the greater Seattle area need to go back to driving school and learn how to merge into traffic. I swear to Christ that as soon as these idiots turn on their blinker they loose all common sense. There are a few different offenders in the merging game.

Slow Merger
These pricks somehow think it is safe to merge onto a road with a 60+ MPH speed limit at 30 – 40 MPH. How is that safe? I can’t even comprehend how your brain would think that pulling in front of someone going 30 MPH slower then they are is a good idea. What really makes me mad about this is that I get stuck behind one of these idiots almost everyday. So instead of their poorly functioning brain only putting their own life in danger they are now putting my life in danger and that is when I get irate.

The Force Merge
We have all dealt with these a-holes. They drive to the very end of their soon to be non-existent lane and then just start coming over most of the time without even activating their blinker. What!? You are trying to enter my lane, my space. Just because your lane is ending you don’t have the right to just come over and invade my space. If you had used your brain 50 ft ago you could have merged into my lane like all of the other people with common sense. These are the same pricks that try to board the airplane with seating group 1 despite the fact that seating group 6 is printed in bold on their boarding pass.

The 90 Degree Merge
Oh you douches are some of my favorites. These jackholes generally appear in a stop and go traffic situation usually known as rush hour. Normal people roll along side the crawling traffic at 3 – 4 MPH with their blinker on and then find a nice gap to smoothly merge into. These douches come to a dead stop in the merge lane and then crank their wheel 90 degrees and force a small corner of their bumper into the gap between two stopped cars. Now the entire on-ramp / merge lane is blocked while these guys complete the equivalent of a 10 point turn trying to straighten their car out

I know this blog is designed for things that are funny. But i think things that save a sports franchise can be deemed appropriate as well. The Sonics just got the second pick in the draft - say hello to Kevin Durant bball fans. Suck it Oklahoma City….

Looking to kill those early afternoon shakes and not spend a lot doing it? Your search is over. Sevennites.com is a website devoted to keeping young professional alcoholics all over Seattle up to date on where the best booze deals are across the city. Go ahead give it a try. For instance, right now you can head to Vito’s and get $2 Boggs’ and $2 appetizers. I’d probably shy away from appetizers, but you can’t drink for cheaper!

Don’t forget to bookmark this!

Do you think the “snow storms” that have shut down Seattle in recent weeks have been weak? By comparison, it would take approximately twenty years of Seattle snowfall to equate to the amount of snow Pullman, WA gets in a single year. Meet Izzle Pfaff. He shares your sentiments.

“I, however, am a fucking ninja for snow driving. I grew up in Idaho, motherfucker! I took driver’s ed in eight inches of snow. How do I know it was eight inches of snow? I measured it with my dick. RAR!”

Read more of Izzle Pfaff at http://www.izzlepfaff.com/