Everyone makes jokes about not wanting to go to prison in a foreign country. I always think of Martin Lawrence’s quote from Blue Streak, “…nobody wants to go to jail in Mexico. They put all kinds of burritos in your ass.”
Well our own great state of Texas is taking a run at the title. A recent anonymous survey conducted by the Justice Department found that Texas prisons have the highest rates of rape in the country. In one prison 27.8% of the inmates reported being victims of “non-consensual sex acts”. Since we are talking about a prison full of dudes it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to figure out what they are talking about. We have all made jokes about federal-pound-me-in-the-ass penitentiaries but that number blew my mind.
The situation is so bad that the Justice Department just finished a TWO DAY hearing devoted to rape in Texas prisons. Normally, most people would want to get a prison rape talk knocked out in thirty minutes or less. You know the situation is bad when they devote 960 minutes to it.
So if you are heading somewhere in Texas like South Padre Island and you have a tendency to have a little too much fun and possible run-ins with the law, lock it up. One official was quoted as saying, “…victims tend to be younger, of slighter build and first-time offenders.” If you can’t lock it up you better contact Sean Connery about one of those anal bum covers he mentioned trying to invent on the below episode of Celebrity Jeopardy.
Ann Mendoza, 42, was arrested by police after they were called to her home and found her twin 2 year old daughters partially clothed and sitting among feces and broken glass. When officers arrived at 10:30 a.m. they noticed the smell of alcohol and Ann admitted that she had recently crushed 8 beers. Did I already mention that Ann is also pregnant? Who called the coppers you ask? Actually it was Ann. Apparently in her buzzed up state she couldn’t find her wallet so she called in the fuzz to help her track it down.
Now to be fair the broken glass could have come from Mainway Toys Bag O’ Glass one of many products in their “Bag O” line such as Bag O’ Nails, Bag O’ Bugs and Bag O’ Sulfric Acid. Check out the video for the full line of Mainway Toys. My personal favorite is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk.
From recent posts, there is no secret about how much I love Mariah Carey. I’ve highlighted her impressive figure and given her kudos for her first single, “Touch My Body,” from the upcoming album E=MC2. So, when I heard that Mariah would be replacing an ill Janet Jackson on Saturday Night Live this week, I was excited (probably an understatement).
Unfortunately, her performance on SNL last night was slightly disappointing. Mariah performed two songs, “Touch My Body” and “Migrate” - probably her next single with T-Pain - on the show hosted by Superbad and Knocked Up star Jonah Hill. During the two performances, Mariah seemed to be going back-and-forth between lip-syncing and actually singing. Then there was her “performance,” which consisted of Mariah pretty much standing in one place and moving her arms almost like a robot.
Visually however, during the first performance, Mariah sported a ridiculously short mini-skirt. With the stage slightly elevated from some floor cameras, there was definitely a couple of upskirt shots. While watching SNL at first, it was hard to tell if it was just weird lighting or if Mariah was showing off her unmentionables. The photo here should squash any debate and you can see more here.
If you want to see both performances, check out DListed. I’ve already bookmarked this page.
I miss the days of Will Ferrell on SNL. That being said it has been a while since I posted a classic Ferrell skit from back in the day. Dissing Your Dog is definitely one of my all time favorite parody commericials / Will Ferrell sketches. I still can’t figure out how he is able to deliver those lines while keeping a straight face.
Here is an audio/visual double whammy. It starts out with a great SNL commercial for Homocil and then finishs up with my all-time favorite Tracey Morgan sketch.
I don’t really know what our friend Mitch Martin does for a living except that he has a pancake phone and does high tech stuff. I think this is probably about right…
This is one of my all time favorite Will Ferrell sketches from his SNL days. I have been looking for a yoga studio myself for the last couple of weeks. I am going to have to remember to ask if they teach the “forward plow” next time I am checking one out.
If the Dodge Stratus jokes from the “What does Jack Bauer get paid?” post were a little to inside for you, check out this classic Will Ferrell sketch from SNL. Once you watch it everything will become clear.
