Lofa Tatupu made a poor decision when he decided to drink and drive. He made a worse decision when he was deciding what to drive. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

This guy! Thats right readers, if you remember last week I made some bold 1st round NBA playoff predictions in my It’s Time for Obvious Playoff Predictions post. I predicted the 8 winners to be Boston, Detroit, Cleveland, Orlando, LA, New Orleans, San Antonio and Utah - all of whom won. The only real nail biter was Boston over Atlanta, primarily because Ray Allen is shooting 2 for 78 in the playoffs to date (way to represent Seattle). But right is right. So if any gambling websites allow you to bet on a series after it is approximately halfway through, let me be your guide to wealth. Here are Round 2’s Obvious Playoff Predictions:

Boston vs Cleveland: Boston stopped Joe Johnson in their first round series and made the other guys score. Unfortunately for Boston, Joe Johnson is about a third of the man LeBron James is. Unfortunately for The LeBrons, the King himself was horrific from the field shooting 2 for 18 in game 1. Unfortunately for Boston, despite LeBrons misery the Celts still only won by FOUR. These teams make me want to vomit. If this keeps up the West is going to sweep whatever pathetic excuse for a team the East sends to the finals. I hated watching this game. And I hate writing about it even more. Boston moves on.

Detroit vs Orlando: More boring East teams. God I hate the east. Blah. Detroit moves on because I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

San Antonio vs New Orleans: I love Chris Paul. My ACC brother. What’s up SON! And Julian Wright is my new favorite rookie. Can you imagine a Kansas squad with him still on it? I don’t know who those other guys on their team are, but I don’t think it matters. San Antonio looks crazy slow and my 1st and 2nd least favorite ball players (Bruce Bowen because he’s a bitch-ass and Manu Ginobli because he is so ugly and has that bald spot) are on the team, so we know they ain’t gonna win. New Orleans moves on.

Utah vs LA Lakers: I think Utah is just joking with us that they are even playing in this series. I don’t particularly like the LA personalities, but Utah just sucks. If Karl Malone and John Stockton couldn’t get it done, their is no way Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are going to. Boozer is from Alaska for shits sake and he went to college at the albatross of atrocious professional basketball players known as Duke (their best two ever, Grant Hill and Elton Brand both needed crutches to make it past their 6th NBA season). LA moves on.

See you in round 3.

That’s right folks, get excited for ANOTHER election day! Just like all the others, today’s is the most important of them all. That’s right, the national powerhouses known as Indiana and North Carolina are holding their primaries - 187 delegates are at stake. You may have thought that America’s biggest fan Reverend Wright would have done in Obama by now, or you might have assumed the mathematical impossibility of Hillary winning would have sent her packing. But no, we get more! At least it gives Stewart and Colbert plenty of material. Let’s review the possible outcomes:

Hillary Wins Them Both: They split the delegates close enough to 50/50 to not make a difference due the the Democrats proportional system

Barack Wins Them Both: They split the delegates close enough to 50/50 to not make a difference due the the Democrats proportional system

Barack and Hillary Each Win One: They split the delegates close enough to 50/50 to not make a difference due the the Democrats proportional system

Wow, I am sensing a trend. Maybe someone should step in and tell these people to stop spending $20mm a month. Of course, if that happened we wouldn’t get these awesome videos of Hillary downing a shot of whiskey and double fisting amongst the common folk and Barack playing hoops in my dad’s sweatpants.

Today marks the beginning of the 3rd round of the Bigger Dance. Ol’ Dirty still leads the Tasty Booze pack with 63 points while the shit-talkin’ Baba Ganoush trails by eight with 55. The hopeless bunch is Mitch Martin at 52, J Diggles at 51, and Frank the Tank at 49. Ol’ Dirty’s lead continues to widen despite the loss of Heigl in the 2nd round. Even my other, shittier bracket is beating the hopeless crew. I just know women, what can I say.

Today brought few surprises with Angelina Jolie demolishing the what-the-fuck-is-she-still-doing-here Molly Sims. The ancient Eva Longoria somehow continues to win and took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights of Carrie Underwood. The fine-as-humanly-possible Marisa Miller ousted Hayden Panettiere, and Scarlett Johansson out-boobified Eva Mendes.

Tomorrow’s match-ups should be similar:

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A few interesting events played out last week in the sports world among the very top athletes. Let’s do a run down.

Roger Clemens is officially a basketcase
We all know that steriods thing was going down, but that is old news and nothing abnormal anymore in baseball. Unfortunately for Clemens , he has so adamantly denied the Mitchell Report and his former trainer that the media has decided to “have their way” with him. First, apparently he was hooking it with Country Singer Mindy McCready when she was 15 (and for the decade that followed). Now, it turns out he was also tagging large and in charge golfer John Daly’s ex-wife. When asked about this Ms. Daly said: “You know what, I’m really uncomfortable talking about this….I know Roger. I consider him a good friend. That’s all I’m comfortable saying.” Can you say GUILTY??? Given that Roger’s wife can probably whoop his ass this is especially surprising.

Marvin Harrison shoots someone
So if you had to pick one and only one person in the entire NFL that would make you say to yourself, “man, I bet that guy would never shoot anybody”, i bet most people would pick Marvin Harrison. Well, pick again folks. According to ESPN, “the alleged victim came into (Marvin’s) bar, Playmakers, around 5 p.m. and engaged in an argument with Harrison, who was at the bar. The victim then left the bar, heading to his car, with Harrison following. Gunfire broke out, the victim was hit in the hand”. Time to trade him to the Cincinnati Bengals….

Ronaldo hangs out with transvestites
While resting his injured knee quietly at home, the AC Milan star decided to contract the services of three transvestites and take them to a motel. Rumor has it he thought they were females, but who am I to judge. The police’s response, “(Ronaldo) just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment, there is no crime at all….he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this”. Yes, I would suspect that he wouldn’t want the press to be informed of his hooker escapades whether or not they were actually men. Hope that knee is feeling better!

This is good ol’ John Daly knocking the ball around his course, Murder Rock Golf and Country Club. As you can tell, this isn’t a normal country club, with their uptight dress codes; big John likes to let his titties hang out when he’s golfing. Looks like he’s in prime tourney shape. Wonder when Phil “Piggy Tits” Mickelson is gonna let it all hang out?

Thats right, its the playoffs. No, not the NHL, because who cares about that (although pretty funny last night in the Penguins-Rangers game when Marc-Andre Fleury gave Sean Avery a completely unnecessary cup check). Its the NBA, and now that we are over halfway through with the first round, it is time for me to safely make my first round winner predictions without possibly being wrong. All those people who make predictions before the series starts need to rethink their strategy. For example, these guys (Front Row Sports) picked Phoenix to win in all. Should have waited a few games guys. Let’s quickly run through the match-ups.

Atlanta - Boston: I know you can’t name two players in the Atlanta starting five without cheating, so that can’t be a good sign. Boston moves on.

Philadelphia - Detriot: Remember that Dave Chappelle skit when he is emulating different NBA stars for their off-court actions as opposed to on-court ability. Scene: window rolls down, weed smoke pours out, “Rasheeeeed Wallace”. Pistons move on.

Washington - Cleveland: Lebron.

Toronto - Orlando: Dwight Howard actually eats other forwards for dinner. Seriously, he’s the next Shaq. Orlando moves on.

Denver - LA Lakers: Kobe loves Denver hotel rooms (remember the incident a few years back). No doubt his wife joined him this time. Lakers move on.

Dallas - New Orleans: After blowing it in the finals in 2006 and then getting ousted by an 8 seed in the first round in 2007, the Mavs are done. So done. And trading for Jason Kidd has actually made them worse. I never liked J Kidd because he is a whiny bitch, but now he is just a dirty player too. Check out the clip of him flipping Jannero Pargo around by his head. Chris Paul New Orleans moves on.

Phoenix - San Antonio: I gotta feel a little bad for Shaq on this one. He is just old and Pheonix runs to much for the big man. Although, I don’t think they would have done any better with Marion (proving he is nothing without Nash in Miami). San Antonio moves on.

Utah - Houston: Houston is one of those teams (even through their 22 game winning streak) that you just feel like is going to lose every night. I don’t know why, but every time they make a bucket I am surprised. Watching Utah play on the other hand is less fun than sticking forks in my eyes. Utah moves on.

Look for more 100% accurate predictions once the second round is well underway.

The Chicago Bulls’ mascots have been getting into some shit lately. He’s been busted for slangin’ weed out of his car, charged with socking an off-duty police officer, accused of shooting t-shirts at Kevin Garnett, and now a lawsuit has been filed against Benny the Bull for tossing a dentist to the floor and tearing his bicep.

Benny was running down the aisles of the United Center about two months ago, slapping high fives with Bull’s fans when he tripped and grabbed Dr. Don Kalant’s arm to brace himself. Well, the dentist, being the 2nd-row pussy that he is, couldn’t handle the weight and fell, hyper-extending his arm and rupturing his bicep. Kalant stayed for the rest of the game and then went to the doctor. The impending surgery is said to have forced Kalant to miss 4 months of work as well as $80,000 in lost income.

Benny should have kicked this guy’s ass. Apparently he has the track record to show he’s capable. You know the dentist was PUMPED to be giving Benny a high five, and Benny was happy to do it. Now the bastard is threatening Benny’s livelihood.

I hate fucking dentists.

Actually, if someone were to cause me to rupture my bicep, they wouldn’t be around anymore to sue. My guns would rupture them first!

The NFL draft is coming up in a just a couple of days, and it’s time to think about how your team will fuck it up again. I usually watch the draft alone on a cold concrete floor surrounded by lithium, vodka, and kerosene. This way I don’t have to be slowly killed by poor drafting; I can do the job myself if the Seahawks make Bill Bavasi like decisions.

While the actual draft can be rather painful, preparations for the draft are exciting as all get out. You have Mel Kiper doing some weird Elvis shit with his hair. Grown men drool and discuss young men in spandex. Plus, you have the awesome prognosticators who suggest your team take running back A over running back B, because running back A clearly has muscles that are more twitchy than B.

The king off all prognosticators, and the English language, is our loveable Emmitt Smith. Emmitt’s mind is powerful, but his speech is show stopping. For example, when describing a quarterback, or possibly, cornerback, or, well actually, anyone on the field Emmitt has been known to say “He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can.” Wow. Never before have I understood the value of the their third read. I always thought my second read was most important.
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Your last chance to rank some skanks females is NOW!

The games begin tomorrow at 6:50am. The first battle is Victoria’s Secret supermodel Alessandra Ambrosia vs ESPN Sportscaster Erin Andrews.

My Pick: Ambrosia all the way. She is one of the highest paid models in the world for a reason. There is no way she loses this. Consider this a gimme and go fill out your bracket at KJR.

Join our league by clicking on the Office Pools tab and enter:

Pool Name: TastyBooze.com
Password: tastybooze

Other brawls tomorrow include:

7:50am Rihanna vs Allison Stokke
My Pick: Stokke. Rihanna will probably win, but I can’t dis my girl.

8:50am Kate Hudson vs Kate Beckinsdale
My Pick: This is one of the harder ones in the game, I went with Hudson because Beckinsdale seems like a cold fish.

9:50am Elin Nordegren vs Gabriell Union
My Pick: Another gimme. Nordegren (AKA Tiger Wood’s wife) is hot as shit and going at least to the final four. She once was nanny, has a twin sister, and likes golf. Hello honey.

As Baba mentioned yesterday, Seattle’s own 950 KJR-AM is hosting their annual Bigger Dance. 64 of the hottest women are pitted against each other to fight it out in a Final Four-type bracket system. Everyone from Gisele Bundchen to Eliot Spitzer’s Hooker is in this thing.

Time to get your picks in! If you have the best bracket in the competition you win a trip to any sporting event in the world. Personally, I would go to either the Swedish Oil Wrestling Championships or the 40 oz. Olympics in Rangoon.

We at Tasty Booze have our own Bigger Dance league and we want you to join.

What to do:
Go to KJR, and fill out your bracket.

After you’ve made your picks, click the OFFICE POOL tab.

Enter:
Pool Name: TastyBooze.com
Password: tastybooze

The showdowns begin next Thursday, April 17. We’ll be doing regular updates to let you know who won. Bracketing opened yesterday at 10 a.m. so get on it.

FYI, I have Scarlett Johansson going all the way. I wish I could say that in another context. Mmmm yes please!

Congratulations to the Kansas Jayhawks. Rock chalk Jayhawk baby, just like I said. Truly an exciting game last night and overall a great tournament. But now that the Big Dance is over, it’s time for the Bigger Dance.

The Bigger Dance is an NCAA-style tournament of hot women, put on by KJR 950 AM, the sports radio station of the greater Seattle-area. This morning was the selection show and now you can go online and fill out your bracket. The 64 contestants are seeded and include a nice gallery to help make your selections.

Go here to enter: Bigger Dance Home Page.

Once the tournament is underway, match-ups are decided by listener’s votes. Every hour of the Mitch In The Morning Show, between 6 a.m. - 10 a.m. starting next Thursday, two women will face off for 3.5 minutes, as callers will vote for one or the other, most votes at the final buzzer wins (duh!). Fill out your bracket for a chance at winning some cool sports related prizes, trips and tickets. The site is also equipped with a “Boss Button” and “Wife Button” if you’re caught filling out your brackets at work or home. We’ll be doing some more analysis and predictions, so stay tuned for more Bigger Dance coverage.

One week of regular season baseball down, an ass-load to go.

Ol Dirty’s thoughts on the way things are going can be summed up with one word. That is if ‘What the shit?’ were one word.

Things are crazy in the Majors right now. Baltimore is 5-1 after a 4 game SWEEP of the Mariners. Detroit is 0-6 with the 2nd highest payroll in baseball. A-Rod is earning more this year than all of the Florida Marlins, combined! Barry Bonds has no team. Dontrelle Willis sucks. And who the hell is Jeff Keppinger?

Players you want:

Jeff Keppinger - Cin SS He’s filling in for starter Alex Gonzalez (knee) but he’s also leading the league batting .435 . After his first week performance many are saying Keppinger will remain at the starting spot even after Gonzalez’s return. Ouch.

Brandon Inge - Det Util The most productive member of the Tigers’ offense, Inge is also filling the holes for the injured. Inge (AKA the bane of my existence last year) is hitting .316 with 2hr and 4RBI’s. While he stays playing, he’ll continue to do well.

Xavier Nady - Pit RF Named the NL player of the week with a league leading 9 RBI’s and 3HR’s Nady is gold. He will likely suck soon because he is on my team.

Ben Broussard - Tex 1B, RF This former Mariner has a God-awful batting average (.190) with only 4 hits. However, 3 of those hits are homeruns, one of which a Grand Slam. When he makes contact he crushes the shit. One of my favorite players, Broussard will rebound with more consistency. (Don’t quote me on this)

Micah Owings - Ari SP Get him now. Owings led the D-Backs to an 8-1 victory in a 2-hit, 6 2/3 inning performance, striking out 9 and walking 2. Cha-ching!

Next Ol’ Dirty Fantasy installment; Players you want less than Whitney Houston.

Earlier this year, TastyBooze proved our sports knowledge by predicting the Super Bowl. Of course, only myself and J Diggles went out on a limb and picked the New York Giants, but I think we’ve all learned from our mistakes.

So, here we are, March Madness is coming to a close with the Final Four this Saturday and the Championship Game on Monday night. All No. 1 seeds, a front runners’ dream! Below are the TastyBooze Staff predictions. Some of us will be watching and betting on these games, or on a beach in Mexico not giving a fuck. Don’t worry, we know even less about college basketball (well, at least men’s college basketball). But we don’t give a shit, all of our brackets are busted, so take these predictions with a grain of salt. I on the other hand will be betting my life savings on Kansas!

J Diggles: As much as I want to see the excitement that is Kevin Love vs. Tyler Hansbrough, Memphis is going to rain on this parade and keep raining all the way to the championship. Joey Dorsey eats rookie Love for dinner in game one and then Derrick Rose says “Bye Lawson” in the final. Memphis 82, UNC 77

Baba Ganoush: Memphis shoots worse from the free-throw line than I do, UCLA rolls. Kansas finally gets their revenge on Roy Williams and all white people at UNC. In the championship, it’s Rock Chalk Jayhawk, baby! Kansas all around offense and maturity prevail against the bitch-ass Bruins. Kansas 71, UCLA 63

Mitch Martin: I know jack shit about college basketball so it is hard to write anything here that will sound smart or well informed. However I will be in the sweet land that is Las Vegas this weekend and I definitely will be dropping some coin in the sports book. I think UCLA is going all the way (Pac-10 represent!) so I have to pick them over Memphis. For Kansas vs. UNC I am going to take Kansas for the Roy Williams revenge factor mentioned by Baba and the fact that UNC beat WSU so I want to see them go down (I might as well pick this based on uniform design). UCLA 75, Kansas 67

Mr. Wonka: Memphis is stacked with tall, lanky, athletic players, I hear that is good for basketball. Free throws won’t matter when they are dunking over UCLA’s fat-boy Kevin Love. UNC has more fire power than Kansas and Roy Williams sticks it to the Jayhawks yet again. In the final, UNC continues to roll, giving Memphis only their second loss of the season, but it’s costly, “He Loved It.” UNC 80, Memphis 75

Mike Honcho: I don’t know shit about NCAA basketball. I do know that the MLB season started this week and that’s what I’ll be concentrating on this weekend. But, since I’m a Coug, and UCLA is in the PAC-10, go UCLA! If they win, WSU gets money. Plus, they have this cat on their squad named Kevin Love, who the announcers want to bend over and “What, what, do it in the butt” (thanks, Butters). Go Dr. Love! UCLA 81, UNC 74

Ol’ Dirty Curty: Really, who the fuck knows? But, Memphis has a bigger (total) package than UCLA. The Bruins tend to stay out of foul trouble so Memphis’ crap shoot at the line shouldn’t come into play. Dorsey gives Love a reach around in compensation for violation. One more missed/made shot and Kansas isn’t even in the Final Fuckin’ Four. Davidson is not UNC, and Kansas is not consistent. Their mission for revenge will fail. Championship = great game. UNC 72, Memphis 70

Bill Brasky: There is only one Final Four and it already happened. The Ohio State University is the National Champion!

Our friends at Yard Barker did some research on the Japanese exchange baseball player Hideki Matsui, who currently plays for the New York Yankees. Apparently, the slugger, known as Godzilla, has quite the collection of porn. Who doesn’t, right?

My favorite part is the way the media highlight this little hobby of Matsui’s. It’s always in the form of, “Oh, and by the way, Matsui is a porn fiend.” The Daily News recently ran an article about how Matsui was getting married soon:

“Matsui, also known back home for his large collection of porn films, said he and his wife have been planning their wedding for a year.”

Then, back in 2003, the Asian version of Time Magazine wrote an article on Matsui, here’s a little excerpt:

“Indeed, his only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even nonfans have taken to him so much.”

If only people could learn to accept porn. I just feel bad for whoever has to share a room with him when they’re on road trips.

Original Story: Yard Barker.