Whenever I watch “The Girls Next Door” - the E! show about Hef’s girlfriends who live in the Playboy Mansion - it always reminds me of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy. You know, the scene where is mocks his girlfriend for cheating on him with grandpa and gets grossed out his loose skin and old balls. Well, there are rumors that Holly Madison - Hef’s No. 1 girlfriend - has decided to move on…to Criss Angel.
Listen, maybe Hef is over the hill and only able to get upright (if you know what I mean) thanks to drugs, but Criss Angel?!?! That’s like trading in a classic Ford Mustang for a new Hyundai. Sure, the Hyundai is a nice, reliable and shiny new car, but you’re going to look like a fucking tool with it. If you don’t know who Criss Angel is, imagine the offspring produced if David Blaine and Marilyn Manson got together. Yes, we’re talking about the Mindfreak magician Criss Angel. And yes, that’s how he spells “Chris.”
The rumors go back and forth, first she was leaving, now it sounds like she’s staying. If Holly gets the boot from the Playboy Mansion, I guess this means more of Kendra. Yes! Wait…probably more of Kendra talking too. Noooo!!!!!
A couple months ago we highlighted the worst bachelor party ever, it involved a group of guys being robbed by their stripper and her bodyguards, then locked in their basement. Well, Australia is currently going through a court case regarding a bachelor party from last year, but the verdict is already in - we plead “No Contest” as the new Worst Bachelor Party Ever.
The reason why there is a court case, is that the best man has claimed that a stripper (pictured) raped him with a sex toy during part of her “act” at the bachelor party. It was supposed to be the groom-to-be on the stage, but after having nothing to do with the show, the best man stepped up to the plate. Here’s what happened next:
One witness said the best man had looked uncomfortable throughout the performance and was forced on to all fours by Naggs who was naked and wearing a sex toy.
“She went behind him and pulsated to push him to the ground,” he said.
The witness said he heard the man scream and get to his feet.
“‘Why did you do that for … you didn’t have to do that,’” he said the man yelled.
If you ask me, this is probably the last thing I want to see at a bachelor party. There is no reason why a guy should be naked at a bachelor party… Let this be a warning, if you are at a bachelor party with a naked guy, something bad is probably about to happen.
You know you want a steak right now. No matter what you’re doing, part of you wants to be grilling up a steak, and then eating it in front of the TV. It’s science.
Here’s a quick video that lets you live out your fantasy, in a mere 14 seconds. Delicious!
InTouch Weekly has a lot to learn about putting together top 10 lists. We’ve done our fair shareof lists here at TastyBooze and they are never easy to compile. You know you have a good list if while creating the list there is yelling, personal call-outs, threats to one’s sexuality or genitalia, and at least one physical altercation (thumb war, arm wrestling, sprint, MMA fight, etc.) to decide a list placement.
InTouch Weekly’s Best Celebrity Breasts looks like it was compiled by a blind female intern. Here’s their list:
1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé Knowles
Here are my issues:
2. Tyra Banks - Maybe if your sole judging criteria was the 1997 SI Swimsuit Issue. 4. Carmen Electra - This is like when Milli Vanilli won that Grammy… fake! 8. Jennifer Aniston - Old and tired, like reruns of “Friends.” 10. Beyoncé Knowles - Nothing special…maybe they meant to put Harry Knowles.
What about Jennifer Love Hewitt? Salma Hayek? Angelina Jolie? Christina Aguilera? Hell, even Phil Mickelson and James Gandolfini have better breasts than Jennifer Aniston (and reruns of “Sopranos” are better too!). Maybe this list is all celebrity focused with only actresses and singers, but it’s hard to make a “Best Breasts” list and leave off MarissaMiller…her breasts sure do act nice.
If you still have $600 of government money burning a hole in your pocket you might want to consider a trip to the great state of Nevada. Gas prices have started to put a pinch on brothel owners some of whom rely on truckers to provide almost 60% of their business. With diesel at almost $5 a gallon truckers apparently aren’t willing to make the drive out to the brothels which has caused a 45% decline in revenue. People have always said the sex industry was “recession proof” but it looks like it isn’t “$5 a gallon proof”.
One brothel in Nevada is offering a swinging deal where they will double your stimulus check. You bring in your $600 of government funds and they will set you up with the $1,200 George Bush package. The George Bush package comes with three girls and a bottle of champagne. I am guessing that it is a BYOV (bring your own Viagra) party. I am not in the market for the services of a brothel but I think we can all agree that that’s a pretty smokin’ deal.
In case you are wondering why all the brothels are located out in the boonies (I know I was) it’s because Nevada state law says that a brothel can only operate in a county with fewer than 400,000 residents. Look at that, you came for the sex story but you still learned something new.
Wait….what!? I really don’t see how this is a problem. Less of the bullshit that everyone puts up with and more of the naked time that everyone showed up to see in the first place.
Before you let your dreams of glitter and lucite heels run wild I should mention that these strippers are dudes. That’s right, the boys from The Thunder From Down Under (link possibly NSFW) had their van containing all of their make-up, equipment and costumes stolen while they were in Annapolis, MD last Friday night.
Who the fuck wants a van full of tear-away pants and banana hammocks?
The group is offering a $5k reward for the return of the van. So if you have a buddy that coincidentally just came into a bunch of banana hammocks that “fell off the back of a truck” you might stand to make a little dough.
For what is probably the first time in the history of the world a construction worker’s wolf whistle worked. An Israeli tourist in a small New Zealand town was waiting to use the ATM machine when construction workers across the street began making cat calls. The lady decided she had had enough of their male chauvinistic behavior and she decided she would teach them a lesson. By lesson I mean that she stripped naked, used the ATM machine and then got dressed again.
“She said she had thought ‘bugger them, I’ll show them what I’ve got’,” Police Sergeant Peter Masters told NZPA. “She gave the explanation that she had been … pestered by New Zealand men. She’s not an unattractive looking lady,” Masters said.
Just when you ladies thought the days of the wolf whistle / cat call where numbered this lady comes along and gives every construction worker on the planet hope.
NOTE: That isn’t her in the picture. I just figured a chick in underwear would be good for the story.
It looks like Zombie Strippers is going to be the first smash hit of the spring when it drops on April 18th. From the trailer it looks like they took different things from every kind of movie a guy would like and sandwiched them all into one. You’ve got secret government experiments, guns, strippers, zombies, and Jenna Jameson. Really, what else do you need?
I a) can’t wait to see what Mr. Wonka (movie connoisseur) has to say about this and b) can’t wait to read Ol’ Dirty Curty’s review (don’t worry you can expense the $9.75 but you have buy your own large popcorn).
Thanks to Steamy Willy for the tip on the trailer.
Once thought to be the progeny of less selective sorority houses, dirty vadges have become quite common in US high schools. A recent report by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention finds that 1 in 4 high school girls have at least one sexually transmitted disease. While some say this epidemic of STI’s is the result of the weak moral fiber of US parents, others argue that bullshit programs like abstinence only sex education course are to blame. When asked to comment on this startling report, Blake Rodriguez age 17 said “Dude, I am not the father. Stacy is such a fucking liar.”
There are definitely some good things and bad things about working in an office full of women. Besides celebrity gossip, the other most common hallway chatter is about fashion. Every once in a while I do a little eavesdropping, just to make sure I’m “in the know.” Sometimes I’ve entered into the “in the know too much,” if you know what I mean. However, this morning, was an especially interesting conversation on Strapless G String Panties. I love Fridays…
After some quick investigation, I found SHIBUE Couture. They sell a variety of Strapless G Strings or “SGS”, and recommend them for use while sunbathing, getting a massage, tanning, etc. SHIBUE also suggests that their product is perfect for strippers women who love to dance:
For women who love to dance, the SHIBUE couture-Strapless G String adds an exciting, unexpected layer of coverage during pole dancing or a strip tease. It is comfortable for dancing and it stays in place until physically removed.
After doing some more “investigation,” apparently the SGS also requires some sort of adhesive tape… that sounds dangerous. Also hilarious are the shots of some girl’s ass with her regular thong and then wearing the SGS - much improved, I’m sold! There are a handful of varieties, running between $32-$38. That seems a lot for a little SGS, but what do I know. I can’t wait for the men’s version!
Meet 74 year old Lena. She doesn’t hold the record for best chocolate chip cookie but she does own the record for the oldest working stripper in the U.K. Lena has 7 kids and 9 grand kids and she was been strutting her stuff for the last 25 years.
Fed up with busty young blonde girls hogging the limelight, Lena is one of several grannies who are putting the sex back into 60 plus. “People want something a bit more real,” says Lena, from Hornchurch, Essex.“For 25 years I’ve loved strutting out in my favourite little French maid outfit, and my popularity hasn’t gone downhill as I’ve got older.” As a mum of seven, with nine grandkids, Lena’s body is more Judy Finnegan than J-Lo. But her raunchy routines drive the crowds wild.
What the fuck is going on in the U.K.? Have they seen so much hot chick porn that they are actually sick of it so they are moving over the this? I understand that not every guy likes peroxide blondes with fake boobs but this is a fucking ridiculous alternative. What is the progression of porn that you have to get sick of before you make it to grandmothers?
Hit the link for pictures of Lena and some of her friends in their lingerie.
I am not sure if this would have made an episode of MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen but this is a pretty kick ass birthday gift to receive from Mom and Dad.
But - thanks to what has been put down as a booking error - a female stripper turned up in place of the gorilla-suited man the unnamed mother had apparently asked for.
“The teacher suddenly announced: ‘Something is about to happen’. Then a woman in a very short skirt walked in dressed as a copper. “She asked the lad to stand up, which he did, and told him he had been a very naughty boy because he hadn’t been doing his homework. “Then she put on some Britney Spears music and got out a collar and lead from her bag and told him to put them on.
“No one could believe it. Next she ordered him to get on all fours, led him around the classroom and hit him 16 times - one for each year - on the bottom with her whip. “Then she took off some clothes until she was down to her bra and pants, pulled out some cream, put it on her buttocks and told him to rub it in.
Here is my favorite part “and even asked the teacher to film it so the family could see the boy’s reaction.” That drama teacher must have been shitting a brick but I bet he captured a pretty good reaction from the son.
I hope they let the kid rub the cream in. I mean it’s not going to rub itself in and the entertainer can’t just put her skirt back on with a bunch of cream on her ass.
Once you hit college Halloween becomes the one night a year where girls can dress in next to nothing and nobody says shit. Even the girls seem to call a truce amongst themselves. A girl can show up in lingerie and you won’t hear one other girl drop a “she is dressed so slutty”. I can’t explain why this happens but I will say that it is awesome.
Double Viking has a great post about the hottest and yet most creative Halloween costumes that you won’t be seeing at whatever party you are attending this year. The top five are listed below but you will have to hit the link at the bottom for the full set of pictures.
1. Miss Video Game - What guy can resist the combination of video games and a hot chick? 2. Gold Digger - This is really just a tight dress that is gold in color until you add the hard hat. 3. Border Patrol - You may actually have a chance of seeing this one on a girl at a party you attend. 4. Sexy Ghostbuster - Definitely second to Miss Video Game. Every guy has a soft spot for Ghostbusters. 5. Stripper CEO - This one is just kind of ridiculous. I think it is probably Vegas only.
Here it is, photographic proof that insects aren’t the only ones to go through metamorphosis…
1. Vince Vaughn
2. Che Guevara
3. Jean Claude Van Damme
4. Dennis Franz
5. Barbara Bush
Kinda ridiculous, huh? Vince Vaughn had a jheri curl mullet, Che Guevara was a clean cut medical student, Van Damme was a fatty, Dennis Franz had thick, lustrous hair, and George Washington Barbara Bush was a hottie?
Whenever I watch “The Girls Next Door” - the E! show about Hef’s girlfriends who live in the Playboy Mansion - it always reminds me of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy. You know, the scene where is mocks his girlfriend for cheating on him with grandpa and gets grossed out his loose skin and old balls. Well, there are rumors that Holly Madison - Hef’s No. 1 girlfriend - has decided to move on…to Criss Angel.
