Here are the ten shows that every guy will claim to hate when surrounded by a bunch of dicks but secretly enjoys watching either alone or with a girl.
Gilmore Girls - I mean, their just like us! Emotions, gossip and fast talking, who could for anything more? Ok, really, Lauren Graham is hot, and the show actually has interesting dialogue and good one-liners.
The Hills - The dialogue is terrible. Their lives, storylines and jobs are as fake as Heidi Montage’s breasts and personality. Spencer is the default Douchebag of the Week. But the girls are hot and we can’t help but laugh (on the inside, of course) at the cattiness as our ladyfriends get worked up about the poor fashion and life decisions of LC, Audrina, Whitney and Lo.
Award Shows - One of the very few times that you are actually allowed to stare at cleavage for 3 hours in front of your girlfriend. Add funny hosts and the possibility of A-listers tripping on live TV and this can be a fun night.
Project Runway -Fierce! Yep, I caught every episode of last season. Who doesnt like seeing gay dudes, at least one emo dude and a bunch of annoying chicks duke it out? Plus you’ve got at least two guaranteed appearances by Heidi Klum per episode and more tattoos than Miami Ink.
America’s Next Top Model - “What? That skinny bitch just beat the girl with big tits.” This visible anger makes your girlfriend want to sleep with you more because you think the “fat” one is hotter
Dancing With The Stars - Jerry Rice, Emmit Smith, Floyd Mayweather, Jerry Springer, Adam Carolla….that sounds manly enough. Plus if you let your girlfriend get just a hint of an idea that you might be willing to take ballroom dancing lessons with her you will get ultra-laid that night.
The Girls Next Door - This one is kind of a no brainer. Three ridiculously hot girls and the 82 year old man that is banging all three. I am always hoping that a boob will slip by the E! censors but those assholes run a tight ship. This would be the single greatest show on television if it was on HBO.
Olympic Trials - I may not have the patriotism to stop myself from fleeing to Canada if the Army called, but I sure as hell want to beat the shit out of China/Uzbekistan/and Sweden in the gold medal count. Besides it’s one of the few times you can watch generally underage girls in ridiculous small/tight outfits and not be called a pervert.
America’s Best Dance Crew - I will talk some shit when the lady friend puts this on but I have to admit the kids on this show have some pretty kick ass moves. Throw in Mario Lopez and Lil Mama’s sequined hats and I can suffer through it. Sidenote: If you pay attention Lil Mama never actually judges anybody despite the fact that it’s her job.
Sex And The City - Being able to throw out some Sex and the City references during casual conversation will always score you brownie points with the ladies. Plus it’s on HBO which means there is a 73% you will see some boobie in any given episode.
Recently we posted a tattoo that was dubbed the Ultimate Chick Repeller. Well, as the most tattooed TastyBoozer, I felt compelled to bring you yet another example of a tattoo that, while not as bad as the first, is simply not going to help with the ladies.
I guess the reasoning here is that this tat would make the ladies go, “Boy, I really want this guy to go for me, I better work hard not to be a bitch so he’ll trust me!” Well played, jackass.
He always wore a cricket box, because you can tell a child 100 jokes but there is none as funny as punching a clown in the nuts.
Goddamnit, isn’t that truth. For anyone that is confused I am pretty sure a “cricket box” is a sport cup.
Let’s be honest it isn’t just kids that find nut shots funny. America’s Funniest Home Videos hasn’t been on for 19 seasons because people like to see dogs and cats do silly things; it is because everyone is waiting to see a Dad take a wiffle ball bat in the ball sack.
The article is about an upcoming documentary being shown in Britain about how shitty being a clown for a living actually is.
Everyone needs a movie of, well, virtually everything they do, right? These two people are marketing geniuses, and have realized the vast, untapped (read: completely tapped) market of “video movie”-making.
I defy you not to fall under the spell of their sales pitch!
In shocking news to everyone, Canada is no longer safe for young women. A newly published survey finds “one half of female high school students are subjected to sexual comments or gestures, and one-third are touched, grabbed or pinched in a sexual way.”
I simply cannot believe this. In my high school women were always treated with respect and dignity. No one ever said anything mean spirited or degrading about our female classmates. In fact, girls were celebrated as pure beings of intelligence and niceness, with the ability to heal wounds and mend broken bones.
Now I hear that “one-third of the girls in grade 11 felt pressured into taking part in unwanted sexual activity, and 15 per cent have oral sex just to avoid having sex.” Unbelievable! Next you are going to tell me that overweight children are made to feel uncomfortable during lunch time or gym class. Or that black children sometimes hear degrading remarks about their skin color. I think it’s time to close the border and activate the missile shield between Canada and the US. Let’s keep the sexual harassers up in the North where they belong.
This is hilarious. It’s safe for work if you have headphones, and there’s really only one bad word in the whole thing (it rhymes with wussy).
This guy has compiled a few clips of movie scenes that are truly so bad, they have to be seen to be believed. Be sure to watch for the entry, “Most Random Line Ever” at 1:30.
This is some seriously crazy shit. A pair of twins were separated at birth and adopted by different families. Neither twin was ever told that they had a sibling let alone that they had a twin somewhere. Fast forward a few decades and the twins meet, fall in love and then end up getting married before someone puts two and two together and realizes they are brother and sister. The article doesn’t explain exactly how they found out but it does say that they recently had the marriage annulled. Big surprise there.
We are all adults here so let’s be honest, in this day and age not a lot of couples wait until after marriage to start having sex. So, what would be worse?
A)Marrying your twin.
B)Realizing you spent the last year and a half banging your twin?
I think I have to go with B on this one. You can almost laugh off the marriage, honest mistake, but realizing that you spent the last 18 months doing dirty ass shit to your sister would have to seriously bottle your mind.
It is here. The moment we have been waiting for for 364 days, since we woke up extraordinarily hungover January 1st, 2007. Can you feel it?
New Years Eve has to be one of the most, if not the most, anticipated holidays of the year for the 20-somethings of this country. Planning begins weeks earlier. What bar should we rent? Who is going to throw the next greatest party? What beautiful girl am I going to find to kiss at midnight? Hours upon hours of thought build up to the night.
Expectations:
So you and your friends decided to spend the night out on the town. Seems smart right? There are going to be tons of people out. Everyone having a great time. Immense amounts of alcohol on every corner. The perfect bar has been chosen: part DJ, part dance floor, part friends, part…WOMEN! You arrive at the bar at 9:30 sharp. Fashionably late, but still plenty of time to catch a buzz and mingle with friends prior to the midnight festivities. Everything is great. The perfect combo of hip-hop and that typo of techno you can actually stand is playing. You are amped. The women are all dancing with you. Your friends are buying shots. The bartender is giving out high-5’s. Life is good.
It is 11:30 and for the last 20 minutes you have been talking to that one friend of a friend that you have always had an eye on - after all she is a legit 10. She is in your circle of friends, but also not in your circle of friends, so a New Years kiss is seeming like a better and better idea. The guys come over with more shots in hand, the ball drops, everybody screams, you get your kiss, 2008 is sure to be a great year!
Reality:
8pm roles around. People are getting ready to go to the bar. Excitement is high. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Shit. “Well, 2 people out of this awesome group of 10 are just going to have to drive us to the bar. Volunteers anyone?” 45 minutes later, you realize that literally everyone in the city is driving at the exact same time. You didn’t know this many cars existed. They do. And when you are trying to park next to the bar, they exist there as well. Its OK, a 1 mile walk in the freezing December air is just what you wanted before the party. Oops, you forgot to bring a jacket because you didn’t want it to ruin the perfect style of the vertically-striped button down you are wearing. Fashion before comfort on New Years, always. Oh there’s a little rain, awesome!
Finally, there’s the bar across the street. You have made it. Fun is about to start! “Hello, we are with the XX party, here for our reservation.” The bouncer responds, “oh sure, just get in line and you will be right in.” “But wait, we have a reservation. Do you understand the meaning of a reservation?” (am I in a Seinfeld episode?) His death look appears to understand the meaning of a reservation, but apparently it only applied to you if we were at the bar before 8pm. Another setback. Its ok, a 17 person line is nothing compared to the walk you just made. You are almost home free. What’s that you say Mr. End Of The Line Person? It is one in, one out?? Great, cause that’s what people do on New Years - come to a bar and leave pre-midnight. Well, as long as 17 people had that plan in mind you should be in in no time.
11:30 roles around. You are first in line! All the women you brought gave up an hour ago and went to the dive bar down the street. But you are men. You have been to Vegas and know the meaning of a line to get into a bar. You will make it! 11:45, just in time, lets get shots. Well at least the line at the bar is inside and warm. “HEY, six touchdowns please….hello? Six bud lights too. Pay attention to me, I will tip…PLEASE!” Midnight. The ball drops. Screams everywhere. You look around for the mysterious midnight kisser and realize you are surrounded by your friends…your guy friends. “What was that you wanted?” “Oh, uh, six touchdowns and six beers, thanks.” It might be past midnight, but you are drinking, you are in a bar, it is New Years, its fun time. So why is everyone leaving? Maybe the night peaked for them at midnight, but don’t they realize that 6 fun guys just got in and want to party? Shit. Well at least you have easy access to the bar now. Lets get drunk.
2am. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. Cabs are called. Phone busy. hmmmmmm
Seems that some overzealous churchgoers in Texas have decided that Interstate 35 (I-35) is holy. This is because in the Bible, Isaiah Chapter 35 Verse 8, it says, “A highway shall be there, and a road, and it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.” They are praying at the highway for 35 days in order to…well…who knows.
First off, ‘highway’ is a pretty liberal translation, but it’s in the King James bible, so we’ll go with it. I thought this was downright stupid since it’s obviously just a coincidence, but then I started seeing some eerie similarities with other Biblical/Highway connections.
(Note: these are all correct quotations from the Bible, from the correct locations)
For our beloved Interstate 5 (I-5) we go to Isaiah, Chapter 5, Verse 6: “I will make it a wasteland, neither pruned nor cultivated, and briers and thorns will grow there.” Sounds about right to me. Ever driven from Seattle to Portland?
For Route 61, that goes from New Orleans up through Memphis all the way to Wyoming, we got Romans Chapter 6 Verse 1, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?” Hello? Memphis? Graceland?
For California’s State Route 1 (the Pacific Coast Highway) we go to Song of Solomon Chapter 1 Verse 2, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” Um, kissing, wine…Cali-frickin-fornia?
Obviously this is divinely inspired. Or else it just goes to show you that you can find coincidental connections anywhere, if you look for them.
And just incidently…the most logical choice for inspiration for I-35, would really have been Isaish Chapter 3 Verse 5, wouldn’t it? That’s the closest match…they probably tried it on for size but weren’t too thrilled:
“People will oppress each other—
man against man, neighbor against neighbor.
The young will rise up against the old,
the base against the honorable.”
This came around as an inter-office forward this morning and I have to admit that this is a pretty good list of rules. I am not really sure how many female readers we have and this list may bring the total down to zero but I am going to risk it. There are about 25 total but these are a few of my favorites.
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
It doesn’t take a genius like JoeyPorsche911 to know that Boggs is the supreme nectar of the gods. And although the Boggs is a most delicious treat to enjoy at any time, it is not exactly appropriate to pour a puddle of Boggs on a plate and spin a piece of corn on the cob through, or to shake up and spray over a plate of veggies (actually haven’t tried either before, will tonight, and will get back to you). No, those situations call for the delicious accutrament I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, which by chance happens to sit directly across the isle from the Boggs at my neighborhood grocery store. I perfer the spray bottle variety. I literally get more joy out of one squirt of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray than 10 shirtless boner rubbers get from each other on the dance floor at Neighbors. Seriously, it’s that good.
high school students are subjected to sexual comments or gestures, and one-third are touched, grabbed or pinched in a sexual way.”
