Believe it or not I have been in the workforce for several years now. And one thing remains constant. People half-ass it on Friday’s no matter what they do or where they work. Hence me currently writing this post and not working. Why are we continuing this facade? Why not work our asses off for half the day on Friday and then just leave? I guarantee the majority of people would get as much, if not more, done with that system.
There is one problem of course. If we only had a half-day on Friday’s, we would probably half-ass it for the second half of Thursday. Or we would go out Thursday night and be worthless on Friday because we know we only have to “get through a half-day” hungover. So I guess I don’t have a solution. But I do know it takes more energy to “fake” work for a day than it does to actually work. Whether it’s always having to be ready to do a quick alt-tab when the boss walks by or having to control my laughter when watching a video of a guy trying to walk with his sandals glued to the floor, fake working takes a lot of effort. But, continue it I will….
I don’t know how this lucky bastard manages to play Halo all day but I feel his pain because I deal with this kind of shit day in and day out. My favorite part is when the IT guy is getting bitched out by his boss for rebooting the web server. He quickly accesses his bosses email account on the Exchange server and deletes the email his boss had sent him telling him not to reboot the web server. When the boss can’t find the email in his sent items his whole argument falls apart. Pure evil genius.
Baba Ganoush is chilling in the Denver airport and tried to access Tasty Booze through the free Wi-Fi provided at the airport but as you can see from the screenshot below the web filter run by TrustedSite.org blocked the site calling it pornography.
This isn’t the first time that Tasty Booze has fallen victim to some bullshit internet filtering software. I have had several friends report to me that Tasty Booze has been categorized as tasteless by the Internet filter at their office. However, this is the first time I have ever seen the site categorized as pornography. Sure we post pictures of ladies that are scantily clad or only using something like an iPod to cover their naughty bits but these pictures wouldn’t even make it into Playboy which is barely porn anyway.
So I declare shenanigans on TrustedSite.org and I have already submitted a request to have the site re-categorized under something more appropriate like entertainment or humor.
Yuri Lyalin, a Russian electrician, was out drinking vodka with some co-workers when an argument broke out. One of his co-workers, a watchman, ended up stabbing him in the back with a six inch kitchen knife. Yuri was so goddamn drunk he failed to notice the wound and passed out in the watchman’s office. When he awoke in the morning Yuri took the bus home and then had some leftover sausage before hitting the sack for a little more shut eye. A couple of hours into his nap his wife noticed the knife handle still sticking out of his back and called the ambulance.
Doctors removed the knife which had missed Yuri’s vital organs. Apparently Yuri has no hard feelings towards his co-worker and had this to say.
“We were drinking and what doesn’t happen when you’re drunk?”
Goddamn, Yuri is obviously a wise man. Sage like if you will.
We are looking for someone that would be willing to spend a couple of hours a week maintaining and updating the Tasty Booze MySpace page. We have had the MySpace profile for almost a year but we haven’t had the time to keep it up-to-date. We would like someone that can create a kick ass presence on MySpace for Tasty Booze while also generating friends numbers that will rival Tila Tequila.
Candidates should be readers of Tasty Booze, have MySpace skills and most importantly get along with the other Tasty Boozers and have a similar sense of humor. Living in the greater Seattle area would be a definite bonus but is not a requirement. If things go well with the MySpace page, the ideal candidate could transition into writing for Tasty Booze.
If you are interested, send us an email at tastybooze@gmail.com with the subject line “MySpace Skills” that includes a link to your MySpace Profile, one of your favorite Tasty Booze posts and a sample post written by you that you think would be popular on Tasty Booze.
I was sitting at work today, and this thought crossed my mind, “You know what this place needs? A gatt or two!” Well, if I lived in Florida, that could happen!
Backed by the NRA, the so-called “take-your-guns-to-work” measure was passed by the Florida Senate Wednesday and would prohibit business owners from banning guns kept in locked motor vehicles on their private property.
First off, I didn’t know I could legally be fired for this. If I want to keep my sawed-off locked in my Caprice and come out and stroke it during my lunch break, that’s none of my boss’ fucking business. Yes, I might accidentally shoot somebody on company property. Yes, my boss/company might be sued. Yes, I might be tempted to bring it inside if Chip from Accounting is asking too many questions. But that’s my god Florida-given right.
Dickhead bosses in Florida are not sleeping well tonight.
“It wasn’t the kind of smack on the butt that replaces a high five or you give your teammate during a baseball game. It reminded me of a porn movie. That’s the kind of butt slap it was.”
Francisco Hernandez is the deputy that should win the award for quote of the year for the above words. What kind of porn is Hernandez watching? I have been involved in some man-on-man ass slaps in my day but none that I would characterize as “porn”. I don’t even know what a man-on-man “porn” style ass slap would look like. Is there anyone that has been watching some dude porn lately and can fill me in? Is there lifting, cupping or do they just say something like “Yeah, you like that”?
Honestly if you read the story it sounds like there had to be something else going one here. You don’t just up and quit a job over one man-on-man ass slap. I think Hernandez was the butt of jokes (pun intended) for a while and the ass slap was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.
Really!? Gisele Bündchen ass polisher!? Why didn’t somebody tell me this was a job possibility back in college? I wouldn’t have wasted my time with an IT degree if I had known the position of Gisele Bündchen ass polisher was available. How good would it be to have the following conversation?
Person 1: “Hi, what do you do for a living?” Person 2: “I make sure that Gisele’s ass has just the right amount of shine during photo shoots. No big deal”
Tomorrow is the big prank day and most of us are stuck in some kind of an office environment which means you have to get creative. For those of you that are tech savvy MaximumPC has instructions for a great prank using Skype and $10. Using the conference call feature in Skype you can make 24 phones in your office ring simaltanously from your computer. The best part is that the caller ID on the office phones will show Unknown Caller so as long as you can keep a straight face no one will know it is you. If you really want to mess with your coworkers ring their cell phones and desk phones at the same time.
CNN has also posted their list of the top ten office pranks which range from kind of lame to just flat out mean. Number 7 on their list was by far my favorite.
7. Placed a sign on the restroom door that read, “The company ran out of toilet tissue; please use your own resources.”
That is just a little slice of genius. Here is one of the meaner pranks.
4. Called the electric company, used a co-worker’s name and told them he was moving so the electricity got turned off at the co-worker’s house.
While I would love to pull the Skype prank the people at my company are spread across three different buildings so it would be hard for me to really enjoy the full effect. However, I think the door to the bathroom out in the maintenance shop is screening for a “The company ran out of toilet tissue; please use your own resources.” sign. On the other hand I could use Group Policy to set the wallpaper on every computer to something funny. The key will be to find a picture that won’t land me in HR.
Need to take a piss while in a meeting? Rub your leg. Uncontrollable coughing? Stick a finger in your ear. The Economic Times has complied a list of solutions to awkward work situations ranging from coughing to crying (look up). While the list is practical, it offers no help for more particular awkward situations like getting caught masturbating in your cubicle (tell them you have cancer, so it really doesn’t matter), or drunk driving into your office building (hey, I got here on time didn’t I?).
Careerbuilder.com, the number one provider of spam to my inbox, conducted a survey of 3,061 hiring managers in the U.S. and asked them about the biggest mistakes they had seen an interviewee make. They compiled a top 10 list that contains some real gems. Here are a few of my favorite:
Candidate said she could not provide a writing sample because all of her writing had been for the CIA and it was “classified.”
Candidate told the interviewer he was fired for beating up his last boss.
Candidate flushed the toilet while talking to interviewer during phone interview.
And my favorite:
When an applicant was offered food before the interview, he declined saying he didn’t want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.
I thought the toilet flusher had my number 1 spot until I read about the above booze hound. I understand his concern. You have to keep your priorities straight in life and a stomach full of grease can really jam up a night of boozing with the boys.
You have got a drug test at work today and you know your shit ain’t clean. What are you going to do?
A) Call in sick.
B) Drink a shit ton of cranberry juice and roll the dice.
C) Have your buddy shoot you in the shoulder.
Daniel Kuch of Pasco, WA went ahead and took option C. He first reported to the deputies that he was the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was out jogging. After further questioning (I am guessing under the hot lights) Daniel admitted he had his friend shoot him so that he could take some time off work and avoid an upcoming drug test.
The only thing that proves you are on drugs more than a positive drug test is having your friend bust a cap in your shoulder so that you can avoid aforementioned drug test.
Ever wonder what’s up with your neighbors? Or more importantly, what is the demographic composition of my pseudo defined neighborhood in relation to my state and the US? A newly discovered, by me, website complies information from the census and the current population survey and produces a series of interesting demographic tables searchable by zip code. Well organized, and simply awesome, zipskinny.com provides answers to questions like: Are people stupid in my zip code? No, 40% have a bachelors degree or higher. Where the ladies at? Not in my neighborhood, with our 65% male sex composition. So, go waste some time at work, and get a handle on the demographics of your neighbors.
The Four Points Hotel chain has found their new CBO (chief beer officer). I wish somebody would have notified me that the position was open so I could have joined the pool of 7,000 candidates. Where the fuck were you on that on that CareerBuilder.com?
Reposiblities of the CBO include “visiting breweries, beer festivals and bars, and selecting beers for hotel menus” and most importantly drinking copious amounts of delicious beer.
Let’s be honest even if I had gotten the job I probably wouldn’t have lasted six months. I can’t see myself getting a whole lot accomplished when I would be spending everyday getting drunk.
December 26 not only marks the beginning of Kwanzaa, but is also Boxing Day. “What is Boxing Day?” you may ask. Well, if you are a resident of the United States, you probably don’t give a shit. But if your country was at one time under British-rule (that’s right, I wrote it), you probably have heard of Boxing Day or it at least shows up on your calendar as a possible holiday.
Does Boxing Day have something to do with the sport of boxing? A holiday in honor of the vagina? Possibly associated with moving or relocating? A day to trash/recycle/burn all the boxes from Christmas? All wrong. Enough of the historical inaccuracies, time to quote Wikipedia:
Boxing Day is a public holiday celebrated in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand and Australia and many other members of the Commonwealth of Nations on December 26, the day after Christmas Day. Boxing Day is a traditional celebration, dating back to the Middle Ages, and consisted of the practice of giving out gifts to employees, the poor, or to people in a lower social class. The name has numerous folk etymologies; the Oxford English Dictionary attributes it to the Christmas box; the verb box meaning: “To give a Christmas-box; whence boxing-day.”
Effing sweet! Although this holiday may seem inferior because it’s celebrated by America’s hat, I think this is something the U.S. definitely needs to adopt (like Elian Gonzalez). Maybe I’m saying this out of frustration as one of five people in the office today (bullshit!), and agree that Christmas should be surrounded by days off before and after, but also because the “practice of giving out gifts to employees” has a nice ring to it. The least my boss could do is throw me a gift card or a free lunch for holding down the fort while she sleeps-in, shops, goes ice-skating, gets hammered, etc.
In honor of Boxing Day, I’m leaving work right now! Happy Boxing Day to all!
Believe it or not I have been in the workforce for several years now. And one thing remains constant. People half-ass it on Friday’s no matter what they do or where they work. Hence me currently writing this post and not working. Why are we continuing this facade? Why not work our asses off for half the day on Friday and then just leave? I guarantee the majority of people would get as much, if not more, done with that system.
Ever wonder what’s up with your neighbors? Or more importantly, what is the demographic composition of my pseudo defined neighborhood in relation to my state and the US? A newly discovered, by me, website complies information from the census and the current population survey and produces a series of interesting demographic tables searchable by zip code. Well organized, and simply awesome, 
