Here’s the scenario: My friend is having a house-warming party, a keg is provided, but like a good friend and knowing my friends, it is also recommended to bring alcohol. This alcohol serves two purposes - first, to avoid a beer-run after the keg gets tapped, and secondly, excess beer for when you come over in the next couple of weeks to watch football/baseball playoffs. Customarily, I bring my case of Miller Lite.
The party is going well, flip cup, beer pong, general drunken debauchery, which means the keg is slowly reaching its end. I start to see Miller Lite in people’s hands. By the time I get to the fridge, my stash is gone and what’s left… Hamm’s! Fuck Hamm’s and fuck the horse it rode in on (read: the son of a bitch who brought Hamm’s). There are two types of people who bring Hamm’s to a party: A cheap bastard and someone who hates everyone else at the party. You can usually tell who this person is upon entry, as their case of beer is likely concealed by a paper bag or a desperate attempt to cause a distraction. Example: “I think I just saw your neighbor walking around naked in her front lawn! (Sneaks case of shit-beer into fridge) Or she could have just been wear a flesh-toned night shirt, it’s really dark outside.”
As I look around the party, squeezing my can of Hamm’s with disgust, I try to find the most likely Hamm’s purchaser. There are many reasons why Hamm’s sucks, here are just some:
- It’s not purchased with great frequency. Therefore the can I am drinking was probably brewed before I was born.
- The can screams cheap. Now that I’m stuck drinking this shit, I look more like a tool. I must immediately find a cup.
- It’s not Miller Lite.
- The after-taste is what I imagine a rusty nail would taste like.
Seriously, no matter how poor you are, you should be smart enough not to make poor decisions when it comes to beer. Pony up an extra couple bucks for anything else, trust me, because if I come to a party and you bring Hamm’s, you’ll never hear the end of it!
